Sherwood Oh, Sherwood is Robin Hood awake? For his daughter Rowan is waiting at the lake. A daughter of outlaws is uncommon except in Sherwood. Come father to the glade, calls Rowan.They gather, she with her small band and he with his merry lads.
Clad in Lincoln green they stand facing one as a united band. Robin and Rowan tall in an archer’s stance nod. Rowan screams Charge while unleashing a volley of arrows. Swords clang, battle cries fill the air, blood runs for a battle has begun. Volley after volley of arrows fell both enemy and band alike; a haze fills the air.
The battle dies down the haze lifts. Rowan heals both bad and band alike. All the while feast preparations have begun. The smell of roasting meat fills the air,bread made ,fire stoked. Rowan calls Lionel lets go the feast,please hurry. Rowan enters glade looking like her fair mother Celandine. Her band enters behind her each looking like who they are: a giant minstrel, a princess, a wild boy, and a trickster. On Rowans hand gleams a strand of silver,a small token from her mother. Robin and his lads smile for each knows this ring is what brought the band together. Lionel starts to complain of his aches and pains from the battle. Then he begins to sing of Arthur and his Lady Guinevere.Then he sings of Robin and Rowan each in turn. Father and daughter both legends uncommon except in Sherwood. A archer with a healers hand,a father unknown. They are Robin and Rowan Hood. A family is among outlaws is impossible except in Sherwood.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay....well that's an interesting tone here to start on. There's a very songlike almost poetic quality to that opening which instantly reminds me of something along the lines of a legend or a fairy tale here. Well this is certainly off to a pretty intriguing start by the looks of things here, I can't wait to see where this manages to take us.
Hmm I was not expecting this to be diving straight into a sequence of this particular nature, but it definitely makes things quite interesting here. I think you've done a decent job with this battle. Its a little on the shorter side to fully judge really, but I think you have managed to do a pretty solid job of things here with this particular style and with this shorter format.
Alright, well it seems that's meant to be coming towards a pretty wholesome ending there, it certainly does a decent job of attempting to pull it off and I can see where it is trying to go here, but I do have to say that perhaps you might need to be doing a little bit more with this piece if you plan on actually selling this ending here. Right now these all feel far more like points to note within a plot than it really is a full story, and that does not make for the best situation here. So its a good plan here, but for the style of story you want, you simply need to build on this quite a bit more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very descriptive. Love the way you add color and descriptive content to what you have created. Keep it up
I'm not ont for poetry but I have to admit I was interested in yours. Hearing of Robin in Rowan that way was unqiue and enjoyable. One thing though I thought Marium was Robin's wife? So who is Celandine?
Hello Alanna! I'm rather partial to Robin Hood (and Daughter Hood) stories, and your work caught my eye, so I'm stopping by to review.
First off, I'll start with some general comments on
Flow
I was really enjoying the flow up to this point. But then you switch from the flowing, shorter paragraphs with a sense of meter and rhyme to a more narrative style. It's rather jarring and takes away from what could be a beautiful ending. I'd suggest either revising the lines after the one I stopped the quote with, or rewriting the whole piece as a short story narrative (I actually think the former would be best. Your poetic feel is very unique and one of the reasons this caught my eye
Grammar/Nitpicks!
(My corrections in green)
And this is where you start to get into trouble. The first sentence could imply that they're still gathered in the woods. And then suddenly we're on a battlefield (Old Spice moment anyone?). While this may work for the aforementioned commercials, it doesn't here. We need a few more clues that we've switched locations than suddenly being told Rowan's ordering a charge and loosing arrows.
You reuse the same phrase very close together (the []'ed parts). I suggest exchanging one or the other for a different saying.
Another trouble spot where orientation is concerned. Those last two sentences are a little disorienting because you don't tell us where Rowan is doing this healing, so we assume it's the battlefield. But then in the next sentence you give us an image of a Sherwood-y campsite that implies victory. My mental image of this scene and the "why" behind it aren't matching up, basically; it seems like the "bad" men they fought are in a hospital ward at the Merry Men campsite with the other foresters' wounded at the same time the good guys are celebrating? Doesn’t really make sense.
The part in red needs major revision. As there hasn't been any dialogue previously, I would recommend either replacing it with something like "Rowan calls Lionel to the feast with a spritely laugh" (or whatever emotion she's got) or editing the whole piece to include specific dialogue where it was used/hinted at previously. Primarily so that this change isn't such a shock.
Who is this and where did she come from? As in, you didn't mention her before. This throws the reader a bit--especially as we really can't use that to describe Rowan because we have no idea what this woman, her mother, looks like.
Why wasn't this mentioned before when everyone gathered at the beginning of the story? Also, saying they look just like who they are is so generic. You could describe the comically large bard, the tomboyish princess, the tousle-haired boy, and the dark-eyed, humorous trickster instead of just saying they are them. Because the reader doesn't already know this, so we need images to peg each character. At least a little something similar to what I just gave.
What? Why? And if this ring was what brought the band together, if it's so important, why wasn't it mentioned earlier?
The end of this paragraph is good except for the grammatical errors. But the beginning (highlighted in red)...I'm having a "Whaaaat?" moment. It feels like a list. A very dry, boring list. "He did this. He did something totally irrelevant to the last thing that is even somewhat contradictory. He did this other thing that actually was related to the previous sentence." Either edit for continuity (such as maybe having the band laugh at him complaining because he does it all the time and is really just looking for attention, and he smiles because they're such good friends and know him so well; *then* he can get on with the singing [by the way...Arthur? I can see the vague connection to why they might use that, but...yeah. At first glance, seems to have no relevance. May I suggest exchanging it for something else? Maybe about King Richard, seeing as that's closer to this time period?]), or find something else to put here.
Overall
This piece really has a lot of potential. First thing you should concentrate on to get to that potential is being sure you reread and check for things such as careless grammatical/spelling errors (or, most likely, typos). Then go for another read-through to concentrate on flow. Being sure you keep the same voice in a piece is key, or else you get reviews like what you saw above (plus you run the risk of losing the reader rather quickly). Then I suggest talking to your characters. They will be happy to indulge your questioning about who they are and how the scene you're trying to write *really* goes (which gives you such key details as to *who*, exactly, it is they're fighting, and where).
I really did enjoy this piece, which is why I'm reviewing it. I believe it could take a leap with some polish, and if you really wanted this could turn into one of your best. If you write anything else like this in the future, try keeping some of what I said in mind, and it should make that piece better from the start! (Also. PM me/write on my wall or something. I'd *love* to read another piece like this. ^.^)
~Glad
Yes, I really captured a poetic feeling in this story. Though I was sort of confused at the start, it came together nicely in the end. You write very nice, I encourage you to write more of these! I wouldn't mind reading all of them.
I liked it a lot. You don't have to know Rowan's story to understand the writing, it can stand alone which is good. The best part was the description of the battle. The only problems I have are with the grammar, but they've all been said in other comments. Good job!
This does have a poetic feel, especially the beginning. More story and details would definately be welcome, it's interesting to read.
Perhaps take out the first 'is'? 'A family among outlaws is...'Should be Rowan's, just add the apostrophe. Also, need to add a space after the comma.
I like the style it's written in, but I would strongly recommend putting anything they actually say in quotation marks, even though your style is rather different from the norm. It'll be much easier to read and more grammically correct. Other than that, I liked this piece!
#FF0000 ">RED=Remove
#BF00FF ">Purple= suggestion
#0080FF ">Blue= I like
I love this story it's like reading soemthign from a mythology book. This has amazed me. Please write more stories like this. If you have any questions or wish to discuss anything at all with me feel free to PM me.
Maith adh,
Celtic
Thank you
This does read like a poem, and its original, well done, a good read
Well... It sure has zest.
There certainly is a story, I say you ought to continue, Alanna.
Thank You!!!
I think that's about it...
Add more.
Edit: I missed some things, but you can catch the rest, I'm sure.
It flows much like a poem would, though it is told in a narrative form. It sounds almost like a ballad when you read it aloud to yourself, seeming to be what you'd find in a mythology book.
And it feels original. There is something oncommon about this tale of Robin Hood. Something about it almost indicates that it is much older than our own modern versions of the story.
To put it in a true narrative form would be most spectacular. I have a bit of a fascination with classic heros.
And Robin's daughter...it has been done before but it begs attention. The only daughter of the Prince of Thieves....yes, that is a story to tell.
I almost get the impression that you have read some Tamora Pierce, no? If you have, it certaintly shows through.
As always,
POKE