Published December 3, 2006
Flapping,breathing cold crisp air.
A rider on my back,
Hearing him laugh in sheer delight ,and knowing he to enjoys the flight,
Is music to my ear.
Reluctantly I come down wishing I could still feel the joy of flight.
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Got it!!
This was a bit short. It lacked detail. I would suggest adding more actions and emotions into it.
I have !!!!
-Lanna
Hello again!
A few things here:
1. Layout. I would recommend that you put this into some kind of poetic structure (any kind of structure, actually) because as it is it just doesnt read like poetry. Something like this:
Flapping,breathing cold crisp air.
A rider on my back,
Hearing him laugh in sheer delight ,
and knowing he to loves the flight,
is joy to my ear.
Reluctantly I come down wishing I could still enjoy
the joy of flight.
2. Purpose. Is there a point here? Are you trying to capture a moment, like a snapshot poem, or are you trying to describe a feeling? Because either way it's kind of repetitive and confused at this stage. Try to think of what you want to say first, then build your imagery and language around that. It'll sound much better, and it will be much more direct.
3. Repetition. You're probably tired of hearing me say this, but you're repeating yourself here. "Knowing he loves the flight" and "the joy of flight" make the poem seem clunky and amateurish. If I were you, I'd polish it a bit by changing the words. That way it's smoother and the reader isnt being drawn back to the same images and feelings all the time.
4. Perspective (aka Point Of View). Am I right in guessing you're going for an animals' POV here? If so, you might want to make it clearer to the reader that the narrator is not human. This is difficult to pull off at the best of times, so you may want to think about changing to the third person.
Anyway, that's all for the moment. Oh, and in case Incan is a bit confusing (he gets like that sometimes) what he means is that we'd like to see some critiques of other writers' work from you too -- telling us what you think, and so on -- as well as just your contributions. I think there's something in the rules about a post/critique ratio, but **coughs** I dont usually pay much attention so I'm not sure. But you might want to think about that anyway.
See ya around!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Alanna--
The YWS does not yet possess the technology to autonomously produce critiques without a user to write them. Until such time, we would all appreciate if you would review other works in the poetry section. While your contributions to fiction are certainly acknowledged, they have no bearing here.
Thanks,
Brad