Young Writers Society

Oh did you i'll check it out

I did it's called Betrayl remixed.
Alanna

I hope i'm not hurting your feelings but

Improve!!!!!

Improve!!!!!

Improve!!!!!

I dont understand a word.

Thank you for reading this crit

Umm...

Not the best. Too repetitive, but that is easily fixed.

Also, since it said 'brothers' I thought Eragon/Murtagh, but at the end it seemed that it was Eragon/Roran. If it's the latter, you could change the word 'brother' to 'cousin.

I agree with ST, though. Good idea, just needs some tweaking.

Thank You ,you saved my poem.

Hey, don't be too harsh you guys. Its very discouraging, reading blighting reviews.
Maybe, Alanna if you rewrote the the poem in a different, more clearer way, but still retaining the actual idea of it. Is is Murtagh or Eragon or who speaking? Make that clearer, and break it up into actual stanzas. The actual idea of it was good. Maybe if you rewrite this, you could devote each stanza to a certain character; like the first one could be Eragon's thoughts about Murtagh's betrayal, the second one could be Nasuada's thoughts, the third Arya's or Saphira's, and then finish up with the last stanza being Murtagh's thoughts, and the turmoil he feels inside about what has happened. Just a rough idea, but try again, and don't get down!

I thought the repetition of

Betrayed
Overwhelmed
disbelief

Welcome, Alanna -


By the standards of even inexperienced readers, this is junk. Sorry, but it's simply not "improvable" through editing. Both the concept and presentation are boorish.

It really is a waste of everyone's time for you to post additional material at this level. Take up reading poetry--maybe you could then produce something which at least satisfies the minimal coordinates of what a "poem" is.


Best,
Brad