Yeah, try to be more subtle. Also, your similes and images are more like cliches.
Her eyes, blue so bright
Her hair is brown, soft as silk
Her clothes shimmer in the light
That could be anyone. You need to give more original images which really form a picture in the reader's mind.
You have a really good concept. It's solid and interesting, but the delivery needs a bit of work. Try the old tip "show, don't tell". Like the others say, you leave nothing to the imagination.
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