Published March 14, 2005
In a house there is a doll
Who smiles as people pass her by
She whispers to children
Freedom, beauty, hope, and love
Whom all else she believes above
Her skin is pale
Her eyes, blue so bright
Her hair is brown, soft as silk
Her clothes shimmer in the light
But there's also another doll
She's broken from long being used
Her hair is ruff, haunted eyes
She only speak of captivity,
Hate, vengence, lies
But now I show you I was both
One from beginning, two in the end
To your lies, did I bend
One is life, happiness, joy
Other lifeless, broken like a toy
You brought this on us
You made one fall
You used her like a toy, a doll
So now you see, there once was one
Whilst now there's two
One is broken
One is new
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Yeah, try to be more subtle. Also, your similes and images are more like cliches.
That could be anyone. You need to give more original images which really form a picture in the reader's mind.
You have a really good concept. It's solid and interesting, but the delivery needs a bit of work. Try the old tip "show, don't tell". Like the others say, you leave nothing to the imagination.
I don't like how you just said "there is one doll" and "there is another doll" and then you directly stated what they stood for. You need to be more subtle.
I think this could be alot more powerful if you showed us that you were both dolls, rather than telling us. Not exactly sure how you would do that though.