z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Murders and the Mysterious Effigy... (1)

by Eros


Chapter 1 :  The City Of Love Angeles

In a rich country of Delmillionare, there was a beautiful city named Love Angeles. Delmillionare was not a very big country but wasn't too small too. The whole country was famous because of the abundance of mines of gold, diamonds and gems like emerald and ruby. It's flag had four slanting strips colored with four different colors. To mention in the order from top to bottom, it was golden yellow, dazzling white with little stars indicating the lust of the diamond, bright green and dark red---obviously indicating the colors of the gems it was so much famous for.

Geographically, the country as a whole had a very placating and pleasing kind of climate with perfect amount of humidity and was neither too hot nor too cold.  It was located in the plains though some states of it being situated over the hills.

Now coming to the area of focus---The City Of Love Angeles.

Eight hundred years ago, the city was having a system of monarchy. The King named Malovever ruled the city. He was called King Love by everyone. He lost his Mother and Father--- The Great Great King and the Great Great Queen as called by the citizens, before his marriage with Queen Angeles. King Love was in deep love and was also in liaison with Angeles and he married Angeles despite of the opposition from her brothers and her Mother and Father.

King Love was kind and sympathetic. Nobody was in poverty or gloom during his rule. If a couple came with tears in eyes saying they were unhappy because they were childless, he would arrange for some holy rituals that would turn out to be fruitful. So, be it any kind of problem, King Love would make some arrangements to bring back anyone's lost happiness.

He also opened an Animal Care centre and a Health is Wealth centre in his kingdom.The Doctors from both the centres would make a regular visit to each and every house of the kingdom and examine every one free of cost. They were paid enough by the King who was very wise and would keep aside a fixed amount of gold coins which he got as tax from the citizens of Love Angeles. the tax was very minimal and everybody could happily afford it. 

But his successful rule caused increased enmity between him and many other rulers from the neighboring cities. 

Act 1-- Scene 1...

King and Queen were sitting on the royal chairs placed high and all the other courtiers were seated in their respected chairs in the court.

Gatekeeper made a hasty entrance in the court.

Gatekeeper : (With heavy breaths and gasps) Your Highness! There's a messenger from Queen                         Angeles' side.

Queen Angeles raised her eyebrows---tensed with worry. She looked at her lover, The Great King Love. King Love looked at her and carefully made gesture not to worry.

King Love   : Call him inside.

Gatekeeper hurriedly moved outside.

Messenger  : Your Highness! I have got a---

King Love    : Read the message. 

Messenger  : Queen Angeles' elder brother, Azeotrope is going to marry a princess from the City Of Endoplasma. The marriage is approved by Mother and Father of both honorable Prince Azeotrope and Princess Charisma. In fact Royal Mother and royal Father themselves arranged this marriage. This is to invite King Love and Queen Angeles to the marriage going to be held in the birthplace of Queen Angeles and of course the birthplace of Azeotrope--- City Of Nucleoplasm in the next week i.e., on 24 th of May. The End.

King Love   : Invitation is accepted.

Queen Angeles again looked at the king. King looked at her, his eyes trying to relieve the worry of Angeles, but Angeles was too worried. 

King Love: The court is dismissed.

With this King Love and Queen Angeles both stood up. The courtiers also stood up and began cheering, "Long Live The King and Queen!"... "Long Live The King and Queen!"

Act 1 --Scene 2...

In the Royal bedroom of the magnificent palace, King And Queen were talking to each other. They were sitting side by side on the Royal Bed covered with a clean white bed sheet. There were beautiful fresh flowers of Red Rose and Jasmine kept in a royal vase studded with Emeralds which was kept by the side of the bed, filling the room with aroma of this natural perfume.

Queen Angeles : Love, I'm afraid. Royal Mother, Royal Father and my brothers didn't approve our marriage. What if anyone tries to harm you or me...?

King Love : No, Angeles! It won't be like what you are saying. This is an invitation of marriage of Azeotrope--- an auspicious event. How could someone do a treacherous deed in a holy ritual like marriage? This must be a way to patch up the worsened relations between your family and us. 

Queen Angeles : But---

King Love held her fair face with his fair hands and locked his aqua blue eyes with her emerald green ones, which were now looking hazy because of the clear water of tears filling them. 

King Love : Nothing will happen. Worry not and waste not, this holy water from your attractive eyes...

Queen blushed and her head hung down with shyness. The King touched the netted cloth which adorned the bun of long black hair of the Queen. The King and the Queen smiled.


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440 Reviews


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:20 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hey Eros! First of all, I love how clever your title for the chapter is - the City of Love Angeles. I actually laughed out loud at that.

Throughout the script portion of this piece, I notice that you write in the past tense. Typically, however, plays and scripts are written in the current tense. Just something to think about!

King Love was kind and sympathetic. Nobody was in poverty or gloom during his rule. If a couple came with tears in eyes saying they were unhappy because they were childless, he would arrange for some holy rituals that would turn out to be fruitful. So, be it any kind of problem, King Love would make some arrangements to bring back anyone's lost happiness.

I would have appreciated at least one more example of how King Love fixed people's problems. I understand that he can give people fertility with holy rituals, but what else? Does he give people money? Does he heal them? Does anyone ever try to take advantage of his kindness because he seems to be so willingly giving?

Hmm... I have a feeling things aren't going to go well at this wedding. If the Queen's family doesn't approve of her marriage with the King, there might be people there that would want to separate them or harm one or both of them.

I like where this is going so far, and I'm looking forward to Scene 3 and onward!

Wolfie




Eros says...


Thank you so much, Wolfical! :D :D

I tried to add another paragraph about the King's nature... Adding more could reveal some secrets...

:D :D Thank you so much for the review!!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 2:42 am
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Sheadun wrote a review...



Hey there Eros! I am here on this fine review day to look over your work! Great start with this novel. I am very interested.

To start off with the positives, this is very interesting! The way it is written is intriguing and contains information in a very blatant way. This helps for the reader to not be confused. King love and queen Angeles seem to be great protagonists for this novel, of that is where you are headed. Romance is always a great aspect of every book, horror or science fiction.

Now for some constructive criticism that I hope you will look over and take into consideration. In the very beginning, your writing comes across as a bit choppy. This might be the style you were looking for, but you could tweak it slightly to make it flow more. In the first paragraph, it strays from Demillionare to Love Angeles, back to demillionare. Try to speak of the country as a whole to begin with, and then stray to the cities. Also, instead of using too twice in the second sentence, try using either. Try combing sentences to help uour sentences flow as well. Also, the act 1 scenes are a bit confusing. The use of royal king, royal queen, great great king, etc. can be a bit confusing. Try using other terms to remedy this.

Great job!
Sheadun




Eros says...


Thank you so much, Sheadun! Hmm... You are correct about the Royal Queen and The Great Great Queen... Hahaha! :D :D

I tried to change it to a simple thing...
:D :D

Thank you so much for the review!!




Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg