deleated

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Points: 6337
Reviews: 39

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Sat May 16, 2009 8:58 am

sugarxsnow wrote a review...

Hi! Katie here, and I'll be your critic for this moment.

Firstly...

With a ring around her neck
she can not, make a sound.

I believe you meant 'cannot', although separately these two words are still grammatically correct. Omit the coma, mind you, because it only causes confusion. All in all, no other nitpicks. Just a bit of a pique about the title. I hope you conjure up a better one soon.

Somehow, this was depressing, but that's okay. I've got a fetish with sad stories. I will be glad to read more of your works. PM me if you need anything else to be critiqued, okay? I'll be more than glad to help, plus, I don't bite. I'm a tame lion!

Well, see you around~

+ Katie

Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

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Fri May 15, 2009 6:54 pm

Sins wrote a review...

I really liked this!

It was rather depressing, obviously, but I still loved it. It was dramatic and it really made me think about what you were saying.

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This poem was great in my opinion. It's full different feelings. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first few lines of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!

I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!

I'm not much of a criticiser so think of this as your compliment review!

Overall, I adored your poem!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing

Meg x-x

Points: 1084
Reviews: 10

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Fri May 15, 2009 5:57 pm

ButterFlyInk says...

I love it even though its a dark theme. I do understand the dangers of depression and this poem was a simplistic way of describing what happens when it takes control of your life. I hope to read more of your work.

Write on,

Butters

Points: 33318
Reviews: 382

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Tue May 12, 2009 10:30 pm

Galerius wrote a review...

Erica wrote:Working title. Let me know if you have any better ideas.

Yes, that's a very bad title considering that by saying "Pure Darkness", you emphasize only one point of your poem and after one run-through, I can see that there is more than one. What about redemption, for starters? The name conveys nothing about anything other than...depression, which, in a word, means nothing.

She had a darkness
she couldn’t control.
She took her life
and let it go.

No matter what reasoning you could come up with to justify putting "she" in the beginning of each line, it doesn't work. It's repetitive, overly simplistic, and boring. Change the words around, don't fall into a rut.

Some say she will never stand
at heavens golden gate,
but I believe
God does not have such hate.

Heaven's golden gate is a cliched idea when presented so bare and without any other poetic addition as you've presented. Delete that and replace it with an original description or even just "Heaven"; anything works better than this.

The last two lines of that stanza make no sense because you put yourself into the poem for some reason. You don't do that anywhere else, so why here? Don't do it.

Wearing a dress of white,
she is buried beneath the ground.
With a ring around her neck
she can not, make a sound.

The last line is useless because you already have told the reader that she is dead in the first stanza. Symbolically, this might have been able to work because of the hopelessness and helplessness theme, but later on, you talk about hope and how it flourishes. That is contradictory to any possible meaning this line could have had, and so you need to take it out and replace it, perhaps with a continued explanation of the above three lines.

She had a darkness
she couldn’t control.
She took her life
and let it go.

Why are you wasting the reader's time by repeating verbatim the first stanza? It isn't cute and it doesn't work.

Now her voice is heard
above them all,
for all of those
about to fall.

Abrupt change in theme; where was the hope in the rest of the poem? Why is the narrator springing this on the reader at the last second? It comes too soon and doesn't let the reader digest the meaning behind it before the poem ends, so mesh the theme in with the rest of the poem or at least hint at it earlier.

Right now, this poem is a skeleton. One can see that it faintly resembles something of depth but there's nothing adding to it nor is there sufficient elaboration of theme, poetic language, and tone. In addition, the line breaks are odd because they seem to have been cut off at random intervals, the true mark of an amateur. Line breaks need to be natural; seperate lines where you truly feel fit and what you have above obviously isn't it because of how forced it looks from the reader's perspective.

Hope that helped.

Points: 890
Reviews: 38

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Tue May 12, 2009 10:09 pm

Erica says...

Poem Breakdown for those who are confused

She had a darkness
she couldn't’t control.
She took her life
and let it go.

She was depressed and killed herself

Some say she will never stand
at heavens golden gate,
but I believe
God does not have such hate.

A lot of very religious people think that suicide leads to hell, but since depression is an actual medical condition cased by a brain dysfunction, I don't think God will punish those who are mentally ill

Wearing a dress of white,
she is buried beneath the ground.
With a ring around her neck
she can not, make a sound.

White is a color that represents purity, and people who hand themselves often have bruises left on their neck from it. She is dead so she literally cannot talk.

She had a darkness
she couldn't’t control.
She took her life
and let it go.

Same as beginning

Now her voice is heard
above them all,
for all of those
about to fall.

Because of what happened to her people are now beginning to understand the full effects of what depression can do to a person, and even though people didn't listen to her cries for help while she was alive she is now heard and now people are trying their best to save those like her and people with the mental condition are trying to get themselves help so they don't even up dead along side her.

Points: 890
Reviews: 2

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Tue May 12, 2009 8:21 am

nizt89 says...

it sounds deep...
but i still dont really get the whole...i dunno sigh.
but i love it (^^)

Points: 740
Reviews: 23

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Fri May 01, 2009 1:44 am

nekros wrote a review...

Personally, I don't really think the idea of punishment for suicide is about hate. It's about a complete lack of faith. That's just my two cents. The poem itself is great, though written in a little too plain a style for my tastes. Though I do wonder what you mean by :

"Now her voice is heard
above them all,
for all of those
about to fall."

Other than that, good job.

Points: 1733
Reviews: 43

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Fri May 01, 2009 12:26 am

chinchillagirl_34 wrote a review...

This was so sad! :cry: I liked it, but it makes you wonder about, which makes me like it even more. I guess because when you left it open like that you just want to know more! It was dark and sinister, and I love it! I didn't get the ring around her neck part thou. . . I hope you write more like this!

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