Published April 24, 2009
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Your rhythm and rhyme are perfect and this flows beautifully. I don't think that it needs to be any longer.
However, I would suggest redrafting this. I'd take your original concept and see if you can describe it in more detail, seeing if you can remove some of the more bland/cliche lines, such as;
" burning
deep within."
In this new draft, rather than telling the reader outright that the fire is burning, I would describe how it feels,what it looks like:try to really see and feel it, and don't go for the first image that comes to you. I would do the same for the ice, and descibe briefly why both are there. For example, say I'm writing about how my room is infested with evil tomatoes because of my granda:
"The tomatoes bounce, their juices oozing.
My granda's smiling in his chair."
That kind of thing.
Hope this helps, and feel free to p.m me if yoy have any questions.
IT IS TOO SHORT FOR ME. YOU NEED TO MAKE IT LONGER AND MAKE A POINT OF A POEM, THERE IS NO POINT. YOU ARE JUST TELLING ABOUT FIRE FIGHTING WITH SNOW. YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN MORE. FOR EXAMPLE IS THERE A GOOD REASON THAT THE FIRE IS FIGHTING WITH THE SNOW?
I like the profundity of the poem, and how you gave meaning to mundane things. Although i agree with ash, the manifestation of what these elements actually represent would help us understand what you're really trying to say. Well, what i take of it is the concept of "Yin & Yang" and the balance of good and evil... something like that?
Well anyway, i like it! :]
~bailecielo
Ooh, I really liked this! It was really neat
anyways, it flowed really well and everything, but something you might add is what the fire and ice represent? It would give more depth to the poem and might make it a little bit more interesting. What are they fighting about? Just a suggestion though
Well, that's really all I have, since you did such a splendid job haha
-ash