Published April 28, 2009
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I'm afraid this poem kind of fell flat for me. Structurally, you pulled off the rhyming fairly well, and for the most part it did not feel forced, but your rhythm was all over the place. My suggestion would be to read it through and see if you can smooth out your line breaks etc. so that they're more even, which would definitely help with the flow.
As to the content, I agree with Galerius that it brought nothing new to the table. We all know this about desire - what are you telling us that is new? If you're not presenting a new idea, then you'd better be presenting the old idea in a new way, or your poem is going to feel stale and cliche.
You do have some of the basics down - you have a strong ending and you're beginning to use imagery creatively. Next time, though, perhaps you could try moving away from the things that come to mind first, and try to build a picture using your own, more concrete experiences rather than dipping into the communal imagery fund
Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Stars burn, blah blah. It's an old image, puts nothing new on the table. Give us a fresh image, something that tells us that you care enough about describing such an important picture that you'll think up of ways to make it original and light a spark in the reader's brain. Compare the action of stars to something that we humans do. Sprinting faster than any star. Crying louder than any star.
Brining? Brine shrimp?
The last three lines in the above stanzas are exactly the same. What are you trying to accomplish? If you can't find a satisfactory answer to that question, and I don't think you will, then it's time to trim the excess fat on this poem.
I'm having trouble tolerating the "Desire" at the beginning of every stanza. Yes, it's cute at first but gets boring fast. Try mixing it up, putting desire at the beginning of some ideas, embedded in the middle of other ideas.
How does a heart pat? Unique imagery, to be sure, but it's hard coming up with an actual visual connection that unless you delve more deeply into it.
Expand on this last line or throw it out. You imply fate, a motif that is not present anywhere else in the piece, and if it is, it is hidden too far under to be any good. Personally, I suggest not using such cliched and trite phrases like "Who we are meant to be" in the first place.
Again, last two lines are carbon copies of each other. Why repeat yourself and waste so much space that has potential for growth? End with a thought-provoker, something that lets the reader ponder what you are saying without having to think that the entire idea is over with the last period. A poem should never be a closed book - it goes on long after the words end. Your poem lacks that and ends so neatly that it feels cheap.
Hope that helped.