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Young Writers Society



Desire

by Erica


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701 Reviews

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Fri May 01, 2009 2:34 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



I'm afraid this poem kind of fell flat for me. Structurally, you pulled off the rhyming fairly well, and for the most part it did not feel forced, but your rhythm was all over the place. My suggestion would be to read it through and see if you can smooth out your line breaks etc. so that they're more even, which would definitely help with the flow.

As to the content, I agree with Galerius that it brought nothing new to the table. We all know this about desire - what are you telling us that is new? If you're not presenting a new idea, then you'd better be presenting the old idea in a new way, or your poem is going to feel stale and cliche.

You do have some of the basics down - you have a strong ending and you're beginning to use imagery creatively. Next time, though, perhaps you could try moving away from the things that come to mind first, and try to build a picture using your own, more concrete experiences rather than dipping into the communal imagery fund :)

Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles




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Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:10 am
Galerius wrote a review...



Erica wrote:Desire is Power.
Burning brighter than any star,
brining us closer
to who we are.


Stars burn, blah blah. It's an old image, puts nothing new on the table. Give us a fresh image, something that tells us that you care enough about describing such an important picture that you'll think up of ways to make it original and light a spark in the reader's brain. Compare the action of stars to something that we humans do. Sprinting faster than any star. Crying louder than any star.

Brining? Brine shrimp?

Desire brings us hope,
that we can do anything.
Go for it all
and reach our dreams.


The last three lines in the above stanzas are exactly the same. What are you trying to accomplish? If you can't find a satisfactory answer to that question, and I don't think you will, then it's time to trim the excess fat on this poem.

Desire is love
pulling us closer to those we trust.
The pat of our heart
Burning with lust.


I'm having trouble tolerating the "Desire" at the beginning of every stanza. Yes, it's cute at first but gets boring fast. Try mixing it up, putting desire at the beginning of some ideas, embedded in the middle of other ideas.

How does a heart pat? Unique imagery, to be sure, but it's hard coming up with an actual visual connection that unless you delve more deeply into it.

Desire brings us closer
to everything we believe.
Pointing in the direction
of who we are meant to be.


Expand on this last line or throw it out. You imply fate, a motif that is not present anywhere else in the piece, and if it is, it is hidden too far under to be any good. Personally, I suggest not using such cliched and trite phrases like "Who we are meant to be" in the first place.

Desire is power.
Impossible to put out,
it goes on forever.


Again, last two lines are carbon copies of each other. Why repeat yourself and waste so much space that has potential for growth? End with a thought-provoker, something that lets the reader ponder what you are saying without having to think that the entire idea is over with the last period. A poem should never be a closed book - it goes on long after the words end. Your poem lacks that and ends so neatly that it feels cheap.

Hope that helped.





The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin