Published April 27, 2009
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I put brick because the first time I went to Deadwood they had some brick streets, the rest are tar and it takes away from the poem. It is shot because I'm talking about the reinactment of Hitchock's death, which occurs in the most unmodernized saloon in town.
Geez, June, leave a little reviewing for the rest of us!
Just kidding!
Anyway, ignore the fact that Juniper has given you a review for the time being. I'm going to give you a review, Claery-style.
That basically says it all, or all I can think of. Hope this helps!
~Claery
Hey there Erica! June here!
.
When I read the title of this, I was totally expecting something like writing deadwood (you know when there's too much excessive words?)
Anyway! This brings to mind the TV series Deadwood, that I think was on HBO or something? Let's get on with this review.
This first bit carries a bit of deadwood (no pun intended). I think that some of this can be left behind, because it's not really adding much substantial information to the poem, dear.
So! Here's why I did this:
• in this new time U.S.A is really not necessary at all in this poem, dear. It is already implied that this Wild West is extinct, so telling us "in this new time" is really confusing us. It's almost sounding like you're telling us to go view a reconstructed old west of some sort.
• In the line that follows that one, I crossed out "Take a" because it's sounding repetitive, seeing that you used "take" at the beginning. Repetition isn't bad! It just sounds as if we can eliminate this part because there is no other spot where such repetition occurs, dear.
• In that same line, I crossed out "the". The wild west had many, many saloons, dearie. I think that "the" can be appropriately changed to "an", this way you're not directing us to a particular one.
• Also! I underlined "shot", because I'm not at all sure if that's supposed to be shot or shoot.
Throw some punctuation in there as well, dear. We can benefit greatly from it.
Moving on!
Now this is raising a bit of confusion, dearie. In the old west, I seldom hear of brick streets? I always imagined and heard it to be dust roads everywhere, no brick at all.
Nevertheless, I'm not too sure that the wording of that first line is working quite nicely with the rest of the poem.
• Second line! This repetition of "walk" also is stumbling the flow of the poem.
Now this is a nitpick!
- * -
I want you to pay attention to your line beginnings and punctuation. In some places, you begin a line with a capital letter, and in other places you don't. Pay attention to that, dear.
As for punctuation, I noticed you used some commas throughout.
All of that to say! This was a wonderful step back in time, dear. Very creative of you. Great job, and keep up the great poetry.
^_^ Juniper