Published April 9, 2009
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
It's a cute poem I like it and I want a cat too but that this should be in the lyric poetry section but above all it's actually good i"ll read more of ur poems or stories l8tr 2 also you should've made it a bit longer so i can enjoy it more gudd poem bye
I would add more discription, but the structure i used for this poem is hard to add in with. I used an actuall ode structure, not free verse. It was somethin like ABABACDDC... meaning that the first, third, and fifth lines rhyme, and the second and fourth rhyme, and so on.
I'm not shure if that was it, but it was something like that. Any sugestions that use the same format would be helpful.
Hi Erica! June here!
Haha, this is totally cute. I love it!
I think you did a pretty good job with this. I don't have any nitpicks or anything. If you would add anything to this, I would suggest perhaps adding how the cat feels about it? Like, if it's an indoor cat (which it's seeming so, from the birthday gift), then perhaps the cat will pretend it's a squirrel when it rolls, a bird when it bounces, or anything else. How about unraveling? And chewing? Think of the antics of a little-cute-kitty and write them out artistically, dear!
Nevertheless, brilliant work on this. So cute. ^^ Keep it up!
June
Hero music plays*... Peanut to the rescue!
This stanzas rhythm is off a bit... try finding synonyms for some words that have less syllables. I think that would help a little.
the third line is confusing... you make it sound like the cat hates her birthday! I would fix that... if the cat, in fact, does hate her birthday, then I am sorry for adding this tidbit
I wouldn't start this line with 'except'... it slows down the rhythm that you should definitely keep intact and going strong with rhyming poetry.
I liked this poem! Very, very cute... it made me think of my cat!
[spoiler]6/10... it probably could have been better and more descriptive.[/spoiler]
Hey Erica!
Welcome to YWS!!! (you are kind of new)
Onto the review:
There is no nitpicks. Good job on that.
1. This kinda of sounds like a whole bunch of short sentences. Add some description, imagery, emotion, into the poem and it will sound much better. And more like a poem.
2. A cat's point of view? Quite interesting.
3. When you fix it up, according to 1. PM me and I'll do a better, fuller, review!
Hope this helps!
~Storm