Published January 15, 2013
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141,257 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Hello there, EricJ9609! ^^
I want to start off with saying: Welcome to YWS! ^^ We are happy to have you here and I hope you'll have a great time on this lovely site.
Alright, it is reviewday today and even though I should be making homework right now, I wanted to push out another review! I'll try my best to give you a good review and hopefully it will be helpful. Okay, let's get to it then! =D
I like the imagery in this poem. It's very descriptive and it kept me interested throughout the poem. I also like the rhythm and rhyme in this. It's very pleasant to read, so congratulations on that! =D
I think this poem would look better if you removed the quotation marks, though. It doesn't add anything and is...well useless. =P It'll look better without them.
Okay, here are a few nitpicks:
There should be a period behind this sentence.
You need to either add punctuation between "is yours" and "is ours", or change the sentence up a little bit because it kind of broke the flow for me while reading it.
You need to add a period behind this sentence. =)
Alright, that was it for the nitpicks! ^^ I absolutely love how you ended this poem. Gave me this "woot, that sounds so epic" feeling. ^^
I hope this was a bit helpful and if you have any questions, just shoot me a message! =D Keep up the good work!
qaralynn
Welcome to YWS. I hope you don't mind me reviewing your poem. It showed up in the green room, as everything does when it is posted, and I like reviewing poetry so here it goes.
This is a really pretty poem. I like how it winds away from scuba diving, or being fish or whatever it might have been at the beginning, (it's not completely clear), to something about giving up to the thought that there is nothing just one person owns. I like how you have that line attach to the stars as if to say that the universe belongs to all of us. I do not like the use of the word attrition because I am not sure what it means completely. This is the first time I have run across it and I almost wonder if you mean attraction, but hey, I am not a walking dictionary so really it is up to you which one you want to use.
I would suggest delving deeper into this and seeing exactly what else you can pull out of this idea. Try to put more in that will catch the reader's emotions and see if you can really make them cry or laugh.
I hope to see more of you. Keep Writing and if you really hated my review, review my work. ^^
Attrition means to whiter away gradually or to slowly wear piece by piece and i thought that it was used best for the central theme of the poem but thank your for your review. I would like to review some of your work the next time i come across it.
Dear sir, you forgot to remove the quotation marks.