Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this was a really cute little short that you've come up with here. I definitely want to see more of these two and I really hope that somewhere on YWS I will discover more parts of this little romance story. This was a pretty solid start to such a story and I definitely enjoyed reading it as a big fan of such cheesy little stories.

Anyway let's get right to it,

My heart is a strange thing sometimes. One day I will see a friend and the next as someone so beautiful that I want to be with them.

It all started when I was going to school one day. Just a normal day. My mom was getting mad at the traffic as we drove and one of my friends sitting in the back. We gave her a ride, because her mom had to go to work early. Well after a few more yells at crazy drivers, we made it to the safety of school and out of the roller coaster of my mom’s car. Yeah she was kind of an aggressive driver. Me and my friend walked off into separate directions, both heading towards our lockers.

Arms folded, I made it to the safety of my locker. Pulling off my backpack, I got on one knee to open my bottom locker. Man even my locker was like ice, cold and frozen. It was so cold, it made my hands numb.

“I can’t feel my legs,” she said jokingly. As she was finishing up at her locker, I looked back at the building I usually go to, which is the Spanish building. I go there in the morning to get away from coldness. Of course it was stilled locked.

“Mind if I follow you? I got no where to go.” I asked jokingly

“Sure why not,” she replied with a small giggle. We began our walk through the school. We just talked the whole time. It was like we had know each other forever. We talked as if we could tell each other anything. Our first stop was her geometry teacher. She had to drop off her sports bag. Her teacher kept it in her classroom so Jada didn’t have to haul it around school all day.

Of course the evil math building was open but not the one I hang out in. We continued the walk to her leadership class which started before school started. When we got there, I said “See ya later,” and she went off to class. As I was heading back to see if the Spanish building was unlocked, I felt was strange. I no longer felt cold. I don’t know how I felt. It was as if I was in a perfect state. I was no longer so hating. I was joyful. I then realized, that the walk I had with Jada was really nice. It was a lot of fun. I don’t know. All we did was talk yet it was great. My cold feeling of resentment had turned into a warm happiness. I walked back to the Spanish building with a smile on my face. I now had a reason to get to school early.

hey people dont read this one, i made some adjustments and stuff read this one

post331686.html#331686

Hey, I'm your first review!

Okay, now for the nit-picks.

First, I thought you had a generally good start here. I mean, it had all the elements of a good story. Boy likes Girl. Boy asks Girl out. Ect.

But I think you need to really make this story unique. It was kind of the same old thing. What about your story stands out among all the rest? You have to find that extra edge that makes it one-of-a-kind.

On a different note, I advise to space out your paragraphs with a space in-between each one. It gets kind of hard to read when they are smashed together like that. (and I know I bet you get irritated when you hear this. Hey, I understand! Everybody told me that when I posted stuff on here. Now I learned my lesson!)

Overall, I found this entertaining. My advise would to put the rest of it on here and see what everybody says!

Oh, and to answer your question at the very end. I think that creating a gloomy feel at the beginning and then he is happy when Jada shows up is a good idea. I mean, you need that drastic change to occur so it shows he likes her.

Well, that's all the advise I have at the moment! Hopefully it helps.

Also i haven't quite finished this, but in this i want to create a cold, bitter and naggy sort of feeling at the beginning, but at the end to be warm and happy. how do u guys think that will work.