Published October 4, 2009
This is my first attempt at poetry. I am open to heavy criticism here because I know i need to improve. Thanks!
Green to white
O summer, where art thou?
Green to white
In this parallel land
Thou hast no fall
And no spring
Green to white
Leaves do not fall
It almost seems
As if life never springs.
Go forth onto ice
Of frigid cold
And feel moist-soft
Beach sand in your toes
Thou hast thy umbrella
And step into the blizzard
Yet wield thy scarves
In climate fit for a lizard
Green to white
Thou feel no breeze
Just the burn of the sun
And the wind on thy knees
Red, yellow, orange
If I had this choice
For the bare trees of autumn
Are what speak thy voice
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I like it, it's very unique! I like your style of writing. Like everyone else said, parts confused me. You spoke of white (which I assume is snow) and frigid temperatures, but then you talk about sand. It's wonderful though overall. You give great images of the seasons. It makes me miss summer! Thanks for the great read.
Well, what i was getting at is that throughout all the seasons, we really only experience two, technically. Please read my explanation to this in the previous post i made. Thanks for your review, and i appreciate your comment!
Tyler
Thanks for your review!
Yeah i can understand your confusion there. What i was getting at is that where i live, we really dont have a spring or a fall. From winter, we go right into summer it seems, we dont experience the beauty of spring. And our summers go right into snow, we dont even notice autumn. Also i kind of experimented with the old-English here.
I certainly liked your style, it was different from what I'm used to reading. Some of the lines confuse me however. Are you going through the seasons? Because I was reading the winter part then it just started talking about the beach and warmth...
I just found the transition difficult, but after reading it over I can understand it more. All in all, I appreciate your originality though.
Hi its IR. Its a pleasure to review your poem. I hope you find it helpful.
Ok. the first thing i saw was the old language. I really made it harder to read through. I know its a style and i guess other people like it. In my case i find it a stumbling block when i read. so its your choice
It also seems to half a lot of things that contradict themselves.
If leaves don't fall doesn't that mean that life does spring?
Your call. Overall it was very original. Keep up the good work!