Young Writers Society

Hey, man! How've you been? I saw that you were talking about reviewing works with zero reviews and I saw that your submissions hadn't gotten any reviews since yesterday, so... here I am!

Let's see what I can do.

I. Big Things

Alright, so I read this through once without looking for anything specific, and what I can say is that it's confusing. I realize these are lyrics, not poetry, so they won't stand alone, but even with music behind this piece, I think it needs to be a little smoother. Using specific words like 'masochistic' or 'abrasive' kind of sticks out of the rest of the more palatable words. They just seem to break up the flow.

The ending also seemed out of place. It seemed too direct, speaking to the subject about what's going on. I know that you've been speaking to the subject the whole time, but revealing your intentions seems out of character of the song, and it's not very tasteful.

Those were the major things that unsettled me, but I think there were a few more specific things that I wanted to comment on, so let's move to the next section.

II. Little Things

and please don't shed a tear,

Um, the tone of this line doesn't seem consistent with the rest. Asking 'please' seems like the speaker is less in control than he/she is during the rest of the piece. If it's just put in there to add an extra syllable or sound, then try reworking the line to something else. I don't think that the line even makes sense (about not shedding a tear), unless it's mean to be kind of ironic (like, you can't anyways?).

Its so wonderful.

The pain sending shivers down your spine.

Was it magical?

blood loss making you feel lighter than air.

Wonderful is a weak word. Something sending shivers down your spine is kind of over done. Those first two lines are really bad, and I think the reason that I can notice that so much is because they're followed by four spectacular lines. I like the comparison of blood loss to that light feeling, and I love the way you slip an identifier in by saying 'Glasgow smile', even if I don't know everything about this legend (it's about that one legend that the movie was made about, right? If not, ignore me...). Try fixing that up, because this stanza deserves to be great all the way through.

I guess there's not a lot more to comment on because the ending and the beginning were taken care of in the previous section. I appreciated the first stanza except for the inclusion of the word 'masochistic'. It had lovely imagery.

III. Overall

Overall, I really appreciated the topic that you chose to make these lyrics about. I think in this amount of space, it was pulled off with a pretty good depth, but I think what would make it stellar would be if you could tweak the word usage a little bit, and make a deeper last stanza (oh, sorry I'm calling them stanzas, but you get what I mean). Try wrapping it up in a different way. The way you do it, as I said, isn't consistent with the rest because it seems to shift to a different character and a different tone.

Let me know if you have any questions! This was good work. Now make it great!

-Hannah-