z

Young Writers Society



I'd like to know you, or at least your thighs.

by Eraqio


Who are you who are you?

Please tell me cuz I'm dying to know!

The one with the sweet smile always turns out to be the slyest kid in town,
Pick your pocket and steal your V, never give it back and bargain again for it all.

who are you who are you?

Dont tell me yet, this is gettin good!

A master of contrived explanations, your sure to let us all in one day.
Keep the door shut because we're all christian women now adays!

Sweep me, off my feet, and at least catch my hand,
A moment of romance can go a long way,
so why no go all or nothing?

Who are you who are you?

I pulled the lace and off came the mask!

just another frightened boy wanting some attention but shrinking when the lights are on,
Keep your head, keep your tongue, I know your a screw up but hey no ones perfect.
Dont explain to me why you need to keep it up,
Just know that your having crab tonight.

In almost obligated recognition you handed me back a key,
it was wrapped in a satin bow and shined with the finest polish you could give,
turns out I dont want it back.

Who are you who are you?

I always wondered to tell you the truth...

But I guess the answers not what you'd expect it to be,
A doughboy has the decency to die the next day instead of never calling.

who are you who are you?

I'm just a fucked up illusion.

Goodnight, said the Watchman and GOODBYE said the Bombardier.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
18 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 18

Donate
Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:05 pm
West wrote a review...



Hiya!

First things first, long titles are offputting. You need a shorter one.

I like the structure of this, or rather lack of it. Usually not a good idea, but it works well. The witty comments are quite funny too. 'Who are you who are you,' is an interesting repitition, but it needs a commar right in the middle.

Now for the improvements.

'Tell me cuz,' right there on the second line. Cuz is a big nono in any form of writing. If you've purposely used it for technique, it would be better to use ' 'cos '.

'Pick your pocket and steal your V' - More slang. In general conversation slang words avoid surrounding awkwardness. In writing it doesn't work. That, and to anyone unfamiliar with your slang, in the context V sounds like some kind of gameboy.

I'm not getting the point behind the 'I'm just an illusion,' though.

The humour in this is good, I'd suggest if you revise this you play on that a little more.





Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau