Published December 28, 2010
Been gone , yeah I’ve been gone.
Been gone long enough to forget the words to our favorite song.
I still know the tune.
Damn it’s a catchy tune.
But, I know, the words are the meaning.
You’ve heard other songs, with other words,
I’m sure, I’m sure.
Other guys talking about breathing down your neck.
But our song, that song,
diddnt leave that awful taste.
I’m somber, I’m calm, I’m down to earth,
I still hum while I wait in line.
I hope that spot where we used to lay,
and mouth the words,
and forget the day,
is as cold as my undug grave.
Play it for me, when I’m not around,
play it for me when you forget my sound,
I’m just a sillouette in your doorway,
but to you, honey, I should be different.
been gone, far gone, been gone too long,
but I hope too long is long enough.
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Thanks for the input.
I wrote this when I finished Basic training, something to get the writing juices flowing again.
yeah, I tried a little too hard.
Ah well, no harm in trying hah.
Hello there
As I was reading this, I could not help but picturing someone on stage performing a monologue for a school play. I found this a bot over dramatic and so it was a little hard for me to take it seriously or fully understand what point you were trying to make. That's just my opinion. I would have loved to get more from it; more imagery especially.
Keep writing and good luck!
Hmmm .... If I'm honest it sounds like a country song to me with all the "yeahs" and "honeys". I don't get the message and the repeating of the "been long" phrase is a bit excessive especially in the last part.
It's a funny little piece but not much of a something.
Write more!
I have to say, I can't take this poem seriously when it keeps saying "yeah" and "honey" every other line and says things like "it was a lot less slutty". It's repetitive and a little redundant, not to mention how odd poetry sounds when it seems to come from the mouth of a modern day stereotype rich boy trying to sound otherwise.