Young Writers Society

Wow! This is truly a heartfelt piece of writing! I love it! You show intense emotion throughout your writing. Good job!

First off, I'm Yoshi, and welcome to YWS, @EquinoxEternity!

Now, let's get started with the review, shall we?

I hate parties, people will notice me… The fear of others seeing what I see in the mirror.

Now, since this type of writing is special, I won't ask you to correct it, but you have a run-on and a sentence fragment here. "I hate parties, people will notice me" is a run-on. In case you don't know, a Run-on is a sentence that is the incorrect form of two independent clauses put together. In this situation, your comma is misplaced. You can fix this by placing a semicolon instead. However, like I said before, this could be on purpose. Some people like to write like this-- especially in artistic works.

Next, is the fragment. In case you don't know this either, a [b]Sentence Fragment[/s] is a dependent clause enclosed within periods. "The fear of others seeing what I see in the mirror" is a sentence fragment. The subject here is obviously "fear", so what exactly is the "fear" doing? For example, you can fix this by writing, "The fear of others seeing what I see in the mirror rattles me." That's a complete sentence, and a perfectly good one too.

I hate parties… I know people will see me.

I love this line, personally. Why? You have some characteristics in this line that is hard to find. This sentence is so similar to the first sentence that it makes the reader glance back at the front to check. Kudos to you for making such a good connection! This keeps the reader interested and gives a sense of professionalism to your work.

I hate parties, There are too many people who’ll want to talk with me… too many people who expect something from me. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations…

Now this is a bit of a change in the attitude. Originally, the narrator is saying that she doesn't want others to see her skinny appearance. However, you end with the narrator feeling pressured under the expectations of others. I honestly feel there could have been a better twist at the end, but you still did fine!

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review!

Cheers and Eggs!

-y0shi

First off, I want to say that this is a heavy topic and one that is close to my heart, and I'd assume it is close to yours as well. The repetition is beautiful, and I like what you've done in regards to showing both the repetition of these negative intrusive thoughts and the counter-intuitiveness of them, as well as the contradictions. People who have positive body images will not understand that you can look at yourself and find you are both too fat and too skinny at once. I'm in the same position as you. I'm tall and lanky, and look like a walking skeleton, but I also have dysphoria because I am genderfluid. There are days where I look at myself and wish I had a bigger chest, and there are days I wish it wasn't there at all. My small chest makes my stomach look bigger; it makes me look fatter. But there are also the days when I look at my body and I just stand in the bathroom, running my hands up my sides to feel my ribs, visible through my skin.

Secondly, there are only a few minor things that I think, if adjusted, might bring the piece to a whole new level. It is already amazing, but there's always room for improvement with any piece, I would say!

I feel too short I see myself as a skeleton, as a little girl who can't form words properly yet.

There are certain times in poetry when grammar can and must be ignored in order to create the piece that you envision. If the entire piece was as flowy, full of run-on sentences, I might not point it out, but I will in this case because it doesn't match the style of the rest of the piece. This would, grammatically speaking, be "I feel too short. I see myself as a skeleton..." There needs to be a period or at least a comma there for the piece to flow correctly. Otherwise, since they don't lead into each other, it'll throw the reader off. If you're looking for something less jolting and more flowy, I'd suggest the comma!

They can't see me.

They can't see me.

They won't see me.

This is amazing repetition. I would recommend moving the first 'they can't see me' to its own separate line to make the repetition even more apparent and for it to stand out. I would also recommend trying to find a subtle variation for one of the two "they can't see me"'s. I'm not exactly sure what it would be, but changing it a bit so all three phrases are different but similar would make the last one hit harder.

Third-- here are some notes that aren't really specifically for any of the quotes or lines in particular but I'd like to suggest them anyway, and you may do with them what you will!

1) I think you've begun to do a parallelism within your work, where the beginning roughly mirrors the end, just reversed. I love this idea. What I think could add even more to the piece is if you changed one of the paragraphs about the people at parties to how they DON'T see you. How they don't notice you, how none of them care, how they ignore you, because that would further add to the contradictions you've already included in the text of fat vs. skinny. Insecurity for me personally lies both in the fact that I think people are laughing behind my back AND that I think nobody notices me or cares about me. If you chose to edit your piece to where the contradictions were on one side, where the first half has you thinking you're too skinny and that the people at the parties never notice you and the second half has you thinking you're too fat and that the people at the parties always notice you and make fun of you, I think it would add to the contradictions and really showcase how negative and irrational these intrusive thoughts can be.

2) The idea of "I want to be like her" fits, but I feel like it's out of place unless you expand on it a little. You could even have a sequence added to the "I hate my ears, my smile, my weight, my hands... I want to be like her..." and you could add on something like "I wouldn't care what my ears looked like, my weight, my hands... as long as they didn't look like mine." Or you could expand a different way by describing the girl you're referring to. Readers will know you're referring to a presumably attractive girl, but if you're going to include a line like that, I feel like it needs to be expanded just a bit.

3) The last paragraph is a bit jarring. Saying there are too many people who will want to talk to you sounds almost like a good thing. If you decided to go with my first note and change up the second to last paragraph a bit with the contradictions, then this last paragraph could be full of things like "There are too many people who'll want to talk with me and not enough of them who actually care." Or things like that.

Final note: The "Expectations. Expectations. Expectations..." I absolutely LOVE the use of the periods here. It feels final, like each one is a ball being dropped. I felt it in my gut when I read it the first time-- it felt powerful and strong. If you could tie in the expectations theme a little bit earlier by including, along with how you're thinking about yourself, maybe a few things of what others expect from you, then the ending would be a show-stopper.

Alrighty, that is all! Apologies for how long this got, but I got carried away. Amazing job on this piece! I hope to see more from you soon, and I cannot wait to read them ; )

I love the way you expressed body dysmorphia. I think it's represented very well. The way you discuss how they feel is beautiful. There's a few small mistakes that don't really matter but anyway.

to many people who expect something from me

too many people.

Expectations. Expectations. Expectations

I would advise putting commas here, but I guess that would change the meaning. It's up to you really. I really like that line though, it's an excellent way to wrap up the story. Great story!