~Dedicated to Sherri, who not only urged me to pursue my talent for writing lyrics, but also taught me everything she knew about writing poetry. I still don't get the 'rhythm', except for what I hear in my songs, but heaven knows I tried. Also, you were right! Writing short poems is difficult when you pick up a beat that has long-since passed on, and relights itself upon the first meeting of pen to paper. I owe you a rootbeer! XXX Thanks, Ver~
Remember
In the dead of the night
When the moon burned our skin
With nonexistent light
How the dirt was so cold
Compared to drifting sand
How my bones felt brittle and old
Whenever I held your hand
A dance like this, my love
Too raw to be shared with any
When we were blind to hateful flaws
Heaven knows there were too many
I loved the way you flicked your wrists
Hips swaying to the sounds
Each striking beat making you cry out
Rifles firing lovely red rounds
They echoed in the dark
Your feet pounding on the grains
You always loved my music
But it always brought me pains
Ah, Remember
Much too long ago
When my breath grazed yours
Never enough to show
How purely you grasped the beat
Filtering a rough, nasty noise
Drag me down, I beg you
Break this harmonic poise
I let your dark eyes smile
Forging splints of haunted steel
Your elegant waltz reminded me
I'd long-since forgotten how to Feel
Toes and heels left tattoos
On shores of things we'd lost
My music would make you happy
I promise, our paths crossed
Love, Remember
Words formed by tainted breath
"Once and only once
Do you feel the cold of Death"
Hips swaying, arms high
Always filled with righteous grace
I lit a fire for our poor souls
So shadows hid your face
Someone who made sweat beautiful
A goddess lost in broken sound
Stars held no meaning for an essence
That wished never to be found
How I longed to free you
If only for my own sake
Cold, cruel recollections
They always take, they always take
I'd rather see those pale lips smile
Then see the sun again
My music whispered that I loved you
Alas, this is my sin
For once, and once alone
Do you ever dare to Dance
I understand what you meant now
However, I lost my chance
"Death can be found
While you still move, beat, and see"
You were telling me something then, I know
And I beg you come back to me
I've lost my muse from songs that died
And the tears I could never shed
I understand now that you can still breathe
But be horribly, utterly dead
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
So I'm not exactly sure how you'd take to my reviewing this, but Sherri mentioned it so I was looking forward to reading it since she speaks highly of your poems.
This felt like a combination of poetry and song lyrics, and was really beautiful. It was definitely really amazing, and Sherri was right about how good a writer you are. Definitely looking forward to any future poems or writing you do, although I had to glare at one or two lines I'm sure I don't need to say why.
I'm confused about one part though, are you referring to yourself as being death?
Anyways that's all I got, since it's probably just as awkward for you to see me review this as it is for me to review it, if not more awkward in your case.
Cool guy!
Well, it's mostly surprise. Thank you for reading it, of course, but... ah. Ver "mentioned it" or Ver was avoiding commenting on it?
Either way, I'm actually glad you decided to read it and leave a comment!
And thank you; I appreciate the kind words. I'm definitely not as good as she is, but I'll get there. Not sure if I'll write anything like it again, but if I do I'll tell Ver to pass the message along.
Glared? Which lines...
See, I actually toned this down quite a bit. The first draft seemed a bit too... erotic, I suppose? For a website labeled 'Young Writer's Society'.
Goodness no, Death is far more brutal. The capitalization of things like Death and Dance is a tip-of-the-hat to Sherri's poetry and many of her beliefs when it comes to those sorts of things. The stuff in quotations were things she'd said to me in the past that really struck me that I'd only recently begun to understand. She can be quite philosophical when she puts her mind to it, can't she?
Anywho, thanks for stopping by! I really do appreciate the gesture. It isn't too terribly awkward for me, strangely enough. For some reason I'm inexplicably joyful...
No no she wasn't avoiding commenting, she said she needed to take a little time to figure out how to write her review on it.
Here is a line that I had to glare at. "And I beg you come back to me"
I have to be honest, I'm a little curious about the first draft now.
That makes sense actually now that I know why it seemed like death was written as a person or undying spirit of some kind.
You're happy, that's equally surprising to me. I figured given the way things are, my commenting would be REALLY awkward. I took several times longer than normal for that review because normally I could have written it in 2 minutes instead of 10, because I didn't want to be awkward or upset you if I could avoid it.
Ah, I see. Well, I'm a patient person. I can wait to see what she thinks.
That line? Now I'm really glad I toned down my original draft. Sorry if it felt like a come-on--or more, a come-back--but it's what I felt when writing it. One of her first lessons on poetry was "If it seemed important while writing it in the first place, it's your mind's way of telling you it should be there. Leave it be" So I did.
If you'll let me send it to Ver first, I'll ask her to pass it along to you. The first draft, I mean. I made a copy and still have it on my laptop.
I'm glad it makes more sense now.
To be honest, it was awkward. However, it also made me giddy in a way I can't even begin to explain. Sure, I wasn't expecting you to read it, let alone comment on it, but I did post it publicly, so there was always the chance. It took me a while to write a reply, too. Don't worry about upsetting me. If anything, I should've been more considerate as of to how this might upset you, given how hopelessly sensitive and romantic she is about these things. But it's a bit too late for that, I suppose.
Thanks again for commenting! I'm glad you enjoyed it, even if you did have to put the fear of Death into a few phrases.
Yeah, at first I glared. But I trust her too, I know nothing would happen.
That's fine by me, sending it too her to pass along. I admit I have had to tone down a few things I wrote because it felt too erotic. My Isolation Zone story will show how and why once I publish the rest of the drafts I have saved for it.
I actually wasn't upset really, wouldn't say irritated describes it either. Unsure seems better, and excited sort of. Not sure if that properly describes it.
I can probably better describe it in a PM that publicly how I feel. Not sure I would want to say it publicly.
It was good. I never experienced love, but this sounded beautiful. It was very sad though. I couldn't tear my eyes from the computer 'till I was finished. It was very nice, and may I be the first to congratulate you. I also could tell you have experienced something like this. You seemed very familiar with the pain you described. You seem very sad...Let me know if you need anything okay. Anyways I'm rambling, have a good day! And may you find a four-leaf clover (I'm irish).
~Laelle
Thank you!!
I'm sure you'll find it eventually; most good people do.
I'm fine now, but recent events forced those memories to the front of my attention, so I let it out this way. Thank you for the offer! I'd love to chat sometime and get to know you better, if you'd like! 
I haven't heard that saying in so long... I used to have an Irish friend who said that all the time, though she isn't in this realm anymore. It's a wonderful memory 
I love your username, by the way. I noticed you were new, so we can be new-user-buddies. I only recently joined, and haven't been online enough to fully understand the mechanics of everything.
And thank you; take your time with love, though. It's beautiful while it lasts, but it's truly better if you let the bud settle and the roots take hold before allowing it to bloom. Much prettier that way.
I have experienced it XDXD It was a sad time for me, and sort of painful, but it's the price you pay, right?
And thank you! Same to you
Thanks! That's all I can say at the moment, I'm speechless.