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On the rise

by EoghanMcHugh

On the Rise -  Eoghan McDermott

The gaudiness of her plastic face
Highlighted her ignorance like a phosphorous light
In some seedy back alley in Amsterdam highlights
The shamelessness of a pitiful slug

All the Versace and Chanel in the world
Cannot hide the fact that her intellect was founded
Off the profundity of the Disney channel

And yet she prances around with the same hubris as a Wall Street banker

Funny how money and popularity can rot the urge to stimulate
The mind with reason and logic

I digress though from this rant
Dedicated to the Sahara minded dolls
Borne out of Hollywood and high society

Their epitaphs will list shoe size, a vacuous designer label and a sugary cocktail

Their loss I say.


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2631 Reviews

Points: 5735
Reviews: 2631

Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:00 pm
Rydia wrote a review...

Perhaps you'll never see this as I notice you made very few posts around the site and are very new but on the off chance you do, I felt I had to comment. I very almost skipped this over but you drew me in a few lines down and then I simply had to see it through. And I was pleasantly surprised. I review a lot around here and it's both a great and awful experience because some works are just so bad you despair at being able to say anything without putting them off writing for life. Just occasionally you find something that, while isn't perfect, has a certain soul to it.

Anyway, I'm not here to ramble, I'm supposed to review ;)

Stanza One: This was my least favourite stanza and the reason you very almost lost me. 'Plastic face' and 'Amsterdam highlights' are phrases I've heard before and this first stanza feels like it's preaching and lecturing and I just get this red light going off in my head. Oh no. It's going to be one of those poems that tells us how to live our lives. What you need is more of the humour and the vivaciousness you have later, some kind of strong visual observation, less judging and more observing.

Stanza Two: This is where you hooked me in. I love the idea of someone's intellect being founded on the Disney Channel. I love everything about this stanza. The way it's structured, the choice of words. It has a dry wit about it that just sort of snuck up on me and made me smile.

Stanza Three: I'm grouping the long line with the next two, it's just easier that way. Anyway, the long line was beautiful but I felt could have flowed across two because visually it's a little out of place. And I don't know if you meant this poem to be ironic but honestly, this is what I love about those girls. I mean sometimes I see them and I find myself judging and wondering what is wrong with the world but then it's that sense of life and their sense of purpose. Either way, I love the cynical tone here becuse it got my mind to questioning and that can never be a bad thing. The next two lines I didn't like as much. You're back to judging instead of letting the reader make their own minds up. Sometimes it's more fun to push the reader gently this way, that way, give them all the evidence and leave them searching for its meaning.

The rest: I like it. I particularly love the idea of shoe sizes on their epitaph. You very almost made me laugh out loud because yes, that's just so right and there's something so very other worldy about it and them. And I don't know if you meant the last line to be ironic, or this whole poem as I've said, but here is where I half want to turn around and if you are being entirely serious (which I kind of feel you're not?) I want to say to you: or is it ours? Are we missing something there that they see in these clothes and this high society? I don't understand it myself but it rather facinates me.

Anyway, I love this sort of teetering between the two worlds of the speaker and the girls in question and I've not much more to say. It isn't perfect but it has a lot of potential and there's something here I can really connect with. Good work!

Heather xxx

"Come quickly, I am drinking the stars!"
— Dom PĂ©rignon