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​The Cry of the Fallen Angel Pt. 1

by Enthusiast132


I remember that day-

I remember the hills shadowed by the glow of the brilliant morning sun behind it- Anna was always amazing at raising the sun. That day was no different, and yet it was different...

I remember Alkasis sitting beside me; she was sharpening her knife. Occasionally glancing up to see our sister’s progress. Alkasis’ brick red hair would continue blowing across her tanned face, and my hair was doing the same- but there was no wind that day.

I remember looking back with Alkasis; Eremiel and Phanuel, called to Alkasis. Father needed her. Alkasis stood and joined the two angels. Her wings fanned out in their blood red glory. She disappeared with a small flash of light and Eremiel followed suit, giving me a miniscule smile. I turned back to the hill, continuing to gaze at the sunrise- unaware of Phanuel’s unwavering presence. The sun had just peeked over the hill, throwing its blinding, fiery rays across the meadows.

I remember seeing Anna appearing on the hill in front of the sun. I couldn’t see her face, only her silhouette. She waved, and I waved back. I climbed to my feet, preparing to meet Anna at the top of the hill.

I remember unfurling my wings and stepping forward...

Time seemed to slow down.

My wings pushed back and begin to pull forward with a swish, lifting me from the grassy floor.

My wings catch on something just out of view… I try once more, forcefully this time. 

Nothing-

I turned my head back; in search of what was stopping me.

Phanuel held onto my left wing with one hand. In the angel's right hand- a knife reflected the rays of the sunrise. Concern encased my being, but I could not seem to speak. My mouth was filled with a sour taste, I could hear the blood pounding in my ears.

I tried to free my wing from his grasp, to no avail.

I finally managed to form a sentence. It came out small, almost pitiful, “Phanuel… what are you doing?” My voice quivered, my eyes never once looked away from the dagger; the bringer of death. It seemed to be calling my name, as if I would be its next sheath.

I was incorrect. The knife sliced through the air.

Pain; I no longer felt fearful, nor was I concerned for my safety. I shut my eyes, the blood that roared in my ears had become deafening. There was an agonizing pain, radiating from my left shoulder- a warm liquid was forming, soaking into my silvery dress.

… Pain… 

Phanuel was no longer standing near me… he was a few yards away, close to where he and Eremiel had first appeared. He held my wing in his grasp… Red stained the tan feathers- my tan feathers. The angel let the knife fall from his grasp, then he too was gone. As was my wing. I never understood why he only took the one.

I remember turning back to look at Anna on the hill… She seemed to be making her way towards me. I could hear the faint call of my name from her. 

I didn't know that the meadows would be the last I seen of my home for some time. I couldn't seem to find my voice anymore, so I looked at the sun... the grassy meadows... my sister. I wish I could have hugged her. 

I wasn't aware that I was crying at first. Not until the tears began blurring my vision. I must have understood what would become of me. That this would be the last time I see my home.

I remember feeling blank. I couldn't feel anger, or fear. The excruciating pain I felt only moments before was gone. I wasn't worried or sad. It was all gray.

Just before the small tug at my feet…

 And I fell… 


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7 Reviews


Points: 87
Reviews: 7

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Thu Nov 05, 2020 11:51 am
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CyberGenji wrote a review...



Hi, i'm CyberGenji aka (Daddy Moriarty, you know who i be) and i'll be reviewing your work today.

So lemme just start off by saying, Holy Sh*t boy was that good. I felt what each character was feeling as the story progressed and the way you conveyed each dialogue was simply *chef's kiss* el perfecto. i loved the creativity behind the name Alkasis, it fits in perfectly with the other Angelarium names and doesn't feel out of place and it also rolls off the tongue easily.
The ending of this chapter was a really strong one and i feel it'll leave readers wondering what happens next and expecting for more.
All in all, a really strong start, i hope to see more of your writing.




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Points: 246
Reviews: 2

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Sat Oct 31, 2020 9:25 am
Altari wrote a review...



Hi Enthusiast132! This is an interesting writing! I think it's good that you chose 1st person point of view because it adds to the blurriness of the style. What I mean is, the way you wrote it seems kind of "under water", or blurry, which in this case is a good thing I think because as a kind of prologue (that's what this strikes me as) it makes you more unaware, yet also more interested in what is going on and what is going to happen next. For critism, in one place you switch from writing it as if it had already happened, and that it is happening write now. For example, here:
"Phanuel is no longer standing near me… he is a few yards away, close to where he and Eremiel first appeared. He holds my wing in his grasp… Red stained my tan feathers. The angel let the knife fall from his grasp, then he was gone too. As was my wing. I never could understand why he took it..."
You switch from past ( in the witing before what I pasted) to present back to past.
Also probably just an accident:
"That this would be the last time I seen my home."
seen is incorrect. Instead maybe you should put "see" .
Lastly, I would maybe change this: "...And I fell..."
To :
And I fell...
Because it just doesn't really work the other way especially since there is already an elipsis at the end of the last sentence/line. I know it is kind of structured like a poem, but this doesn't really work:
"Just before the small tug at my feet(…)

(… )And I fell(… )"
Atleast in my opinion.
Overall I think this is a really cool work! I will look out for part two! Good luck!






Hey there, Altari! Thank you so much for reviewing my work!! You are absolutely right, I originally created this piece as a prologue for a novel I hope(d) to eventually write. It was altered quite a bit while I was in creative writing at school, to meet the criteria for our unit in poetry.

I am so happy that you caught what I was trying to do with the POV and style. I was hoping to give off a blurred/past memory sort of thing.

Again, thank you so much. I'll begin editing right away!

-Enthusiast



Altari says...


Sure! It's a great prologue, I wish you success with the story! :)




"The adventures I enjoy are usually of a literary nature."
— Henry Winchester