Hi there, once again. This is the second chapter in my story Enigmus, a tale of a boy and a mysterious penguin (Sounds dumb, doesn't it
) I enjoy critiquing, so I appreciate anyone who gives their time to me in doing so. Anyway, here it is.
Chapter 2
Bayard awoke next to a crackling fire and under the covers of thick blankets, laid out on a cushioned sofa. His awakening seemed to have a ripple effect, for he soon heard footsteps coming into the room. It was his father, followed by Dr. Giat. Giat was an elderly man who served as the main physician of the village; he was a worn man, having traveled far and beyond the realm of the village. He passed Caddis and began to examine Bayard, looking him up and down and pressing occasional points along the way, making sure there were no abnormal lumps or missed bruises. He then took his temperature and pulse, nodded back to Caddis, and they left the room. Bayard soon was overcome with sleep once more, and he soon fell again into a deep stupor. The two men than entered the hallway by the door, and the doctor began to gather his things.
"Caddis, your son has a small fever that should pass soon. His cuts are minor and have been treated with my ointments; he should be back to his youthful self in a few days." Giat said as he was bending down, packing his things into his brown leather bag.
"Thank you for coming so quickly on such short notice. You should have seen my shock when he staggered down the road drenched and practically fell into my arms!" Caddis said, trying to manifest on his face an expression that showed his earlier shock.
"Not a problem at all, my dear man; it is my duty as physician of the village to be the guardian of good health at all times. However, I find it ironic that your son knew nothing of the cavernous cliffs. All children are told of it when they are young!" Giat chuckled as he picked up his brown leather bag.
"Well, my son was never one for the sea. He loved to learn about it, but he didn't want to experience it," Caddis said, " anyway, I meant to ask you a favor."
"A favor, eh? And what might that be?" Giat inquired, putting his bag back down.
"Well, as you know, Bayard will be leaving soon to pursue his education. Right now I have hired a mercenary as protection, but as of yet, I have no medical offi-" Caddis was interrupted by a wide-eyed Giat.
"Surely you do not want to send me off into the wilderness in my tender old age!" Giat said loudly, in a shocked tone. "I'm a frail old man; it is chore for me to simply walk through this forsaken icetown!"
"You didn't let me finish," Caddis replied, with some annoyance in his voice, "I simply wanted to ask you if you by any chance could spare one of your apprentices to go with him." Due to the relatively northern conditions of the village, physicians were hard to come by; thus, the commanding physician would often apprentice children with keen senses, intelligence, and skilled hands.
"You know what? That might just work..." Giat said, stroking his chin and thinking. "I have an apprentice who has been under my wing for some years now; some experience in the field would do her good."
"Wait; her?" Caddis replied, puzzled. Girls were usually not apprenticed in the medical field; or many other fields for that matter.
"Yes, her. My grandniece had sought a career in medicine ever since she was a little girl. So I convinced her parents, and I took her in, and have since taught her much of my own knowledge. She can identify many flora and fauna and their uses, and knows important procedures, such as treating diseases... she makes me so proud." Giat replied, his face bright and gleaming with pride. "Plus, she is around your son's age, so they would both have company."
"Alright then.He shall be leaving in around a week or so; I'll send for her when we are ready." Caddis said.
"Of course sir. But before I leave, I must ask; who is the mercenary you hired? It isn't that haggard Haphaesian that spends his days in the tavern near my abode?" Giat inquired, with a quite highbrowed tone.
"Well... yes. I had a meeting with him a few days ago; he seemed competent, and apparently his earlier customers were happy with their results. I first tried to see if I could get a militiaman, but they are all busy. " Caddis replied.
"Ah yes; it is the time of the year when they patrol the forest paths for the "security" of the merchants... alright then. I shall see you in a few days. Just keep Bayard warm and hydrated and he should be fine." Giat said, as he opened the door. "Good day to you."
Caddis shook his hand and handed him his scarf. Giat wrapped it around his neck and mouth and headed out onto road, giving a final nod of leave to Caddis, which he returned. The fisherman then shut the door and proceeded to the den and sat down beside the fire, opposite of Bayard. The younger one began to stir, and then awoke.
"Ugh... how long have I been out?" Bayard mumbled.
"Around a few hours... you are one damn lucky fool." Caddis informed, in a tone that gave off a harsh, yet sarcastic aura.
"Oh please, we don't need to quarrel; I'm leaving in a few days, can't we make the best of it?" Bayard replied, exasperated with his father relative bluntness, which often led to remarks that were often regretted. "But wait a minute; what happened to that little beast I found?"
"Ah yes, the penguin. The last time I saw it was when you were sleeping; it lay on top of your stomach, and it seemed quite content in my opinion." Caddis reminisced.
There was suddenly a rustling in the kitchen. Caddis went up and investigated the noise, only to find that his suspicions were correct. He saw the little penguin nosing through the shelves of food. Caddis made a sarcastic cough to catch its attention; the little guy turned his head, chirped with curiosity, and waddled its way past Caddis, out of the kitchen and back into the den, and then onto Bayard. It stood on his stomach and began tilting its head from side to side, as if it were analyzing his being with its scrutinizing eyes.
"I just don't understand you, you little enigma." Bayard pondered, wondering what had happened to this penguin. "You know, I thought up a name for you: Enigmus... yes, that'll be your name from now on."
"That sure fits him," Caddis said, walking back into the room, "unfortunately, I doubt you'll ever be able to rename him. When you first came, I brought in a fellow who spent practically all his time in the north for me, fishing for whales and sharks. He was baffled beyond reasoning; he offered me much to be able to take it and bring it to a biologist he knew. Of course, as you can see, I denied him his request."
Enigmus' feathers shone bright in the flickering flames of the fire. Bayard stroked his head, which was unimaginably soft and comforting ;his body was immediately swept with a warm, comforting wave, which was quite therapeutic.
"Wherever he comes from and whatever he is, he saved my life today and I think the least we can do is provide him with shelter and company." Bayard concluded, propping himself against a few pillows.
"Alright then. I want to ask you if you were still up to coming to the council meeting coming up soon, because if you aren-" Caddis said, being interrupted by Bayard half-way through.
"Of course I will attend the meeting! I have been waiting for weeks; plus, I'm pretty sure it will be entertaining." Bayard said, eyes brightening up.
"Then get some sleep; I don't want to bring a sniveling, coughing kid to such an important meeting." Caddis said with a sarcastic grin as he stood up and left the room. Bayard sighed, and quickly fell asleep with Enigmus snug between his chest and arm. For the next few days, he slept on and off and soon regained his strength.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there Penguin, as I promised.
Please do not try to make your writing seem fancy. It just makes it sound awkward and strange. Be honest. Describe it as it is.
Again, you are dumbing information onto the reader. You do not want to do that.
Overall impressions:
Alwaysawriter has pretty much covered my thoughts on this piece. Here, I'm going to reinforce them.
1)Dialogue:
Most of this piece is dialogue based. The problem with that is it doesn't really give a reason as to why the audience should care about the story and characters. Think of it this way: Imagine you are sitting by yourself. Two businessmen arrives and sits next to you and starts talking about their investments. Would you be interested? Probably not, since you will probably have no reason to care. Also, your dialogue is very long-winded which makes it even more difficult for the reader to bear with the writing (I admit, I was bored stiff from reading this). Keep dialogue short and sweet to maintain momentum and to keep the audience entertained.
So how to do you exactly make the reader care? Look below...
2)Show, don't tell
This is your major problem. If you are able to fix this, then I promise you that the quality of your writing will increase ten fold. I want you to read this article: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative/showing.htm
It will give you a much better idea to the whole "show" don't "tell" concept.
OK, that is all I really have to say. You really need to address that "show" don't "tell" issue before I can help you further with your writing.
Good luck.
Andy.
P.S: I think you aren't cut out for writing fantasy at the moment (it's quite a difficult genre to be successful in due to the heavy emphasis on the "show, don't tell" rule.) I personally think you should drop this for now and write about something that's more down to earth. Why not write about your family or friends? Should be a pretty fair topic to write on to master this rule.
Hello Penguin. As I promised.
Wah? Ripple effect? Can you please not try to be fancy here? It's awkward and doesn't make any sense. Be honest and just tell it like it is.
Again, you are dumping information onto us. It is not a good thing to be doing.
I dunno if this allowed, but I am bumping up the thread, just to get some more views.
Please don't apologize for being harsh; I really enjoy the criticism. I'll put your time to good use, I assure you! I'll notify you when I post the edited version.
EDIT: I updated the story!
Hi Enigmatic. I'm here as promised.
Before I get unto the critique, I'm sure you know about the 2:1 rule. You still owe two critiques from posting your last chapter so please write three critiques.
We don't need to know all of this about the doctor; it's just ramble.
I think you meant Pressing, not Pressuring?
Healthful sounds wierd; try Healthy instead.
Show, don't tell us. In other words, don't tell us he's saying it heartily, describe it.
Fragments are bad things in stories; it's better to not use them.
Flora and fauna sound awkward to me but that's probably because I don't know what they are. Flowers, maybe?
There's a space between the period and He.
There's a space between the semi-colon and His.
Dialogue
There was a lot of that in this chapter and that's not really a good thing. Don't think of this like "Well, it's just one chapter; I'll make up for all this dialogue later." Novels have to be balanced. Sure, there may be chapters that have a lot of dialogue but minus one paragraph, that's all this chapter was. Think of this as a separate part of the novel and concentrate on making everything good in this chapter so that the novel in whole will be great. Do you see what I mean? Try to do that with every one of your chapters. In this case, you need more description.
Another thing that bothered me was how some of the words you chose in the dialogue didn't fit the time period. Like how you say "...you were one lucky idiot." I thought this was set in an earlier century, like the 1500's? You wouldn't call someone "one lucky idiot" back then, would you? Look up old-fashioned insults online to find a synoym and go back over your chapter to see the other examples I'm sure you can find. Be careful the words you choose reflect the time period and everything.
Show, don't Tell
I've already lectured you about this but I figure I'd go over it again because I found other examples:
How did he inform harshly? Was his voice stern and grave?
First off, this should be Exasperately (minus the capital letter), and second off all, was he out of breath? Running out of breath?
Anyway, I'm sorry for being harsh, I hope you take my advice, good luck, and PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter