Illusion - Prologue

This novel is based off upon my short story Head Case (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=103168) which uses the same character and focuses on her background. This was a difficult piece to write and I apologise for any errors in my writing.

And thanks to Adam for helping me to come up with a novel title!

Dedicated to my friends Alannah and Hannah.H for their never ending support and encouragment.

And to Afreen. I hope one day you will be able to read this. I miss you so much.

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It begins with a single dark and guilty thought at the back of your mind. The single dark and guilty thought jabs at you to grab your attention, then multiplies into a hundred, then into a thousand. The dark and guilty thoughts infest your mind, storming through every neurone in your brain and seize control of your emotions, the way you think and even your own actions.

Before you know it, you're having an episode.

You feel helpless and vulnerable, isolated from your loved ones. You run, desperately hoping to protect your friends and family from yourself, knowing that you will only lash out at them and hurt them. Locking yourself in your room without any sharp edged objects usually does the trick. If you have a major episode, although short in length, is deadly in impact and manipulation. You can't think straight and your mind and emotions are all over the place, broken and shattered.

I'm fucking worthless. I don't deserve to live. I should just fucking die...

The urge to self-harm is alarmingly powerful. The longing to grasp a blade in your hand, to feel the hard plastic grip with your fingers, to know that you're wielding so much power that is all focused on a tiny blade, a tiny blade that can end life with a single stroke. The longing to drag that blade across your skin, to feel the sharp pain as your skin is sliced open. To watch your blood slowly well and ooze from the newly made cut as your emotions take control...

Lying on your bed with tears running down your cheeks and twisting the bed covers beneath you with your fingers is the best you can do to prevent yourself from wreaking havoc. The whole world is against you, bearing a massive weight upon your shoulders. Everyone despises you, sees you as nothing. Even your own family. You watched them as they turned their backs on you, one by one, ignoring your frantic pleas for help and forgiveness. Why are they doing this to you? What have you done to deserve this? Looking back at your past, you realise that you've achieved nothing but hurting people, damaging them and lashing out at them when they tried to reach out to you. You're nothing but a monster: someone who deserves this hatred and hurt. You even hate yourself. You are of less value to other people than the dirt off the back of their shoes.

If you have a minor episode, you are more fortunate. Although they tend to last longer in length than a major episode, no violence or thoughts of suicide and self-harm are included. Instead, you are numb to the very core and your body is seemingly paralysed, heavy and pinned down by an unknown alien weight. All colours in this world have been washed away, their precious pigments seemingly lost forever. Shades of grey replace the lost pigments, transforming this once colourful world into a bleak and monotone landscape.

All I see is a world torn by war...

You are emotionless and numb, weighed down by the horrors of this world. You gaze out into this world and all you can see is a world filled with mass destruction and death. The cries of soldiers as they lie dying on the battlefield, the ratting of gunfire and the explosions of grenades.Faces of nameless people come to mind; children, men, women, all bearing the same ragged and torn faces, their eyes black with never ending swallowing depths, and glazed over without a single sign of life. No matter how much you scream and thrash, these faces will not leave your mind. Nor will the lost colours of the world return and bring back their familiar warmth. Remember, this is a war that you were once being trained for.

All around you is a war torn world and genocide. You feel nothing but deep shame and guilt for the war crimes your country has committed. You look back at the Boer Wars, knowing that it was your country that set up the concentration camps. The concentration camps that lead to the deaths of so many innocent young children and thousands of deaths. You feel nothing but deep shame for what your country did to all those people. The slave trade that your country took part in without a single thought for what hell and pain they were about to drag innocent men, women and children through...

What place do you have in this world? Why do you live? You are nothing more than a reminder of the shame, the shameful actions your ancestors committed. It is your responsibility to carry this burden of shame and war guilt for the rest of your life once it is finally passed down to you.

It is then that your episode begins to end. The urge to self-harm and the suicidal thoughts start to dwindle. The hatred and rage towards the world and yourself lessens eventually shatters. Sense floods through your mind and you start to feel disgusted by the very thoughts of self-harming. The flow of the tears stems as the dark thoughts slow their racing through your mind. Then slowly, slowly, they begin to lessen and weaken until they at last dissolve.

The colours of the world slowly and gradually start to return, their seemingly lost pigments filling the shades of grey that were once in the pigments' places. The haunting and torn faces of the nameless dead people fade one by one, blending once more into the horizon. Your emotions come rushing back, flooding into your veins and throughout your body and taking over paralysing numbness. The rush of your once stolen emotions is a sweet and relieving feeling, so relieving that you cry, not with sorrow, but with happiness and solace, knowing that your episode has finally come to an end. The seemingly indestructible bars of the iron cage that ensnared you begin to melt away, giving you the final and true freedom from the episode. The alien weight that once bore down on you lifts and you are no longer trapped in your torment.

You are finally free of the episode and torment. You want to dance and shout with joy, but this freedom is short lived. Sooner or later in a few days' time, this freedom will once again be wrenched from your grasp as you are once again trapped by your dark thoughts and forced to endure another half an hour of pure hell and agony.

Welcome to my world.