z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

A Slightly Special Morning (But not THAT amazing)

by EnderFlash


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

*Okay this has nothing to do with the story, but I must share my pain with SOMEONE. To be put short: 8th grade promotion, and us 7th graders get to perform for them. This means sitting through the entire promotion... in the sun... and electronics aren't allowed! D: Anyways, on to the story...

“Wake up! Wake up, everyone!”

Tarrence rolled over with a groan, snuggling deeper into his thin blanket. “I need to get a new one,” he drowsily noted, probably to forget soon after. “Maybe I can steal Zyxi’s.” He lay in blissful peace for another few minutes, a content half-smile on his lips.

“Tarrence! If you don’t get your lazy ass down here in three minutes, you’ll get the frying pan, not the pancakes!” The new voice was louder, rougher, and all too familiar to Tarrence’s ears.

Tarrence sprang to his feet, flinging his blanket off in a panicked frenzy. “I’m coming, just give me a few minutes!” Deciding not to change out of his slightly dirty, duck-patterned pajamas, he tugged on a pair of white socks and his trademark yellow sweater, and made for the door. Although he would never admit it, Zyxi could be incredibly terrifying.

By the time Tarrence stumbled down the hard wooden stairs, the others were already seated and eating. Much to the brunet’s horror, young Lia was reaching for the last pancake with her fork, her long grey-blue hair brushing the eggs.

“No!” Tarrence lunged forwards, batting away Lia’s fork. He snatched the plate holding the pancake and retreated, tightly gripping the plate. “The last one’s mine!”

Zyxi faced him while still brushing her messy blonde hair into pigtails, annoyance clouding her features. She was around the same age as him- sixteen, with the same lean build. “Jeez, Tarrence, don’t be such a pig. It’s your own fault you didn’t wake up earlier. Just look at her!” Here she waved a free hand at Lia’s dejected expression. “Don’t grab it right under her nose.”

Tarrence stuck out his tongue in a childish manner. “Oh, come on. She’ll get over it, right, Cozart?” He turned to the last person in the room; A tall, purple-haired eighteen year old with an eyepatch on his left ey, and slightly disgruntled look on him.

“Don’t drag me into this,” Cozart said, shrugging and finishing off the scrambled eggs on his plate. “I’m done, I’ll put this into the sink.”

“Cocoa! I thought we had something special!” Tarrence whined, pouting upon seeing Cozart ignoring him. The brunet was used to the casual rejection, though, so he just pulled out the closest chair and plopped down, placing the plate with the pancake as well. Tarrence took a plastic fork and speared the rapidly cooling food, lifting the whole thing to his mouth and biting a piece off.

Zyxi didn’t even bother to reprimand him again, directing her attention to her own breakfast.

Lia, just as Tarrence claimed, was already cheerful again, humming while roughly dismembering her sausages.

Tarrence stuffed his cheeks with some eggs, allowing his mind to stray. Was it a Tuesday or Wednesday? He didn’t keep track. It’d been a couple weeks since they found a new home, this one, and time probably went all over the place in that duration.

“Hey, Cozart. Want to take the morning patrol together?” Tarrence called out, sliding his chair backwards. “I’ll provide the transport if you support me.”

Cozart raised a slender eyebrow, a small smile adorning his lips. “Sure, why not?”

The two headed for the door, Tarrence grabbing a bag of fertilizer off the rack next to the stairs. Cozart pushed the door open, with some difficulty. A blindingly bright light shone through, but the two, used to it, quickly turned away.Even after their eyes adjusted, it looked the same. It, being the outside landscape, if it could even be called that. It was an endless world of white with no visible top or bottom, and even its appearance felt undecided. If you stared too long, the white might suddenly look like black, or maybe a crimson red. The only things consistent were the glass dome-like places lining the area, looking connected but still so separate. This was a space where time was nonexistent, the ultimate hub of all time zones.

“Tarrence,” Cozart prompted, closing his eyes for a while. The nameless outside always made him feel dizzy just by looking at it.

“Yah, yah, gimme a sec,” Tarrence muttered, currently trying to chew through a hard bit of fertilizer. “Damn, this quality sucks. I’ll get a better brand next time.”

“How does it taste? The fertilizer, I mean,” Cozart asked, genuinely curious. He never really questioned it before, but he was bored now.

“Hmm?” Tarrence gulped down another mouthful of fertilizer, using his tongue to dig out wet wads of dirt from between his teeth. “It’s kinda hard to say. It’s got this herbal flavor to it, and it’s really dry and sometimes crunchy, and sorta reminds me of really crumbly, dry… Okay, it tastes like dirt. But good-tasting dirt!”

“I don’t know how that works,” Cozart mumbled, but didn’t ask any further. He shifted his body weight onto his left foot, wishing that they’d build a porch so he didn’t feel like he could fall into the void at any time.

“Alright! I’m feeling energized, and ready to go! What do you think we’ll find today? A teddy bear that belonged to Shirley Temple? A paintbrush of da Vinci’s? A TARDIS?” Tarrence emphasized the last word, clearly showing his preferred option.

“Sure, sure, of course,” Cozart rolled his eyes. “Keep your hopes lower. Anyways, we’re technically supposed to look for the twins.”

“It’s not like we’re going to find them any time soon. I want to have as much fun as possible,” Tarrence smiled. He left out the ‘before it’s too late’, because Cozart knew. They all knew.

There was an awkward pause as the two boys tried to figure out what to say, so Tarrence went ahead and started the transportation. From the purposely created plot of dirt to the left of the doors, the brown-haired boy crouched and buried a small seed, from an apple or orange or some kind of fruit. It didn’t matter, because the result was the same.

Biting into his thumb, Tarrence let some blood trickle onto the mound. The red drops turn the little dead seed into a small sprout, to a flowering tree, to an apple tree in full bloom. “Huh, so it was an apple tree,” he whimsically said to himself. By all means, the growth should have stopped there, but there was nothing natural about growing a tree in less than a minute, so it was no weirder for the tree to start to twist, growing downward to exit the door and stop, almost as if waiting for the two to get on. Actually, not as if; It was waiting for them, Tarrence made it so.

Wordlessly, the pair climbed onto the smooth wood, with Tarrence first and Cozart second. Cozart shifted nervously, trying to make himself as comfortable among the branches as possible. Tarrence noticed this, and gave him a big smile that didn’t reassure the older boy at all.

“Here, I’ll make a seat belt,” Tarrence said, directing the tree to grow a relatively thin branch over Cozart’s right shoulder, going diagonally across his chest like an actual seat belt. “Alright, since you’re guaranteed not to fall… I’m going to go wild today!”

“Wait, wait, no, no,” Cozart nervously began, already gripping the leafy branches in front of him. His pleas went unfulfilled as Tarrence gave a maniacal laugh and ordered the apple tree to shoot forward like a roller coaster, looping around and turning in all directions that, by all means, should have caused the wood to break under the pressure if not for Tarrence reinforcing it like the plant master he was.

The two whizzed through the air, if there was any in the first place. For a while, the ride was utterly silent, except for Cozart’s occasional undignified squeak after any particularly crazy section. The ride suddenly slowed down after a crazy loop, much to Tarrence’s displeasure.

“Hey,” Tarrence pouted, looking back. “Stop ruining the fun.”

Cozart sighed, rubbing his left temple with one hand. His right hand was currently gripping the tree, slowing it down. His special power allowed him to slow down any living organism, plant or animal, as long as it was within a certain range, and he was more than willing to utilize his ability here. “Slow down. I won’t stop you from enjoying yourself, but let’s not go wild, alright?”

The brief exchange ended, Tarrence grudgingly toning down the ride. The two rode along the every-growing tree for another while, although it was going significantly slower than before.

Tarrence decided to rekindle the conversation, not liking silence much. “So the twins were the ones who sent us here, right? Do they even know how to send us back?”

Cozart opened his mouth to respond, before realizing that he wasn’t actually sure. After pondering it some more, he shrugged. “Give them to Zyxi. She’s the one who actually met them, she’ll know what to do.”

“Oh, depending on the girl, now, are you?” Tarrence smirked, dodging a large reality fragment of some wooden furniture. The Time Hub, as the four called it, was crazy enough, so tossing in floating chunks of distorted objects really shouldn’t have been too weird, but it still was. Tarrence kept an eye out for any rare complete objects, because anything could be useful. An old paintbrush might belong to Botticelli, or a broken coat could have come from Albert Einstein, and they wouldn’t even know it, since they looked like mundane items.

Cozart gave a snort at this. “If Zyxi heard you say that, she’d kick your perverted ass to hell and beyond."

Tarrence shuddered at the thought and the ever-growing tree took a little dip from its straight path, but he didn’t reply. Instead, a small, moving dot of brown caught his eye. “Hey, what’s that?” He stopped the growth to take a better look.

Cozart squinted with his one good eye, before letting out a small gasp. “It’s a person! Who… is walking on nothing?! Quick, drop down!”

The other boy didn’t hesitate; In one shout of “Hold on!”, he dropped the overburdened trunk into a near-vertical drop. Within seconds, the two were close enough to identify the kid’s features.

The kid looked around thirteen, with messy, dark brown hair tied in a ponytail and a light complexion. He was dressed in a red flannel shirt and blue overalls, looking just like a stereotypical farmer without the hat. To be honest, he looked… too normal, for someone who was walking on nothing like it was, well, nothing.

The boy spotted them and jumped a bit, golden eyes eyeing them nervously. “H… hello?”

Tarrence took one look at him and gave a flirtuous smile, clearly mistaking the poor boy for a girl. The kid was feminine enough, Cozart mused, trying not to laugh at Tarrence’s huge mistake.

“Hey there, darling,” Tarrence said in a husky voice that he probably thought was seductive, just loud enough for the new youth to hear. “Your name is… Cori Ravenswood, right?”

The darker brunet looked rather startled by the way Tarrence addressed him, but corrected him anyways. “Er, that’s my sister. How do you know her? My name’s Cora.”

Tarrence did a double-take, aghast. “Wait, what?! You’re a boy?” Upon seeing Cora slowly nod, he hid his face in his hands and moaned. “Oh god, I just called a male ‘darling’. Fuck my life.”

Cozart smirked, continuing the conversation with Cora. “My name’s Cozart, and this idiot is Tarrence. Do you know a girl named Zyxi?”

Cora looked a little intimidated by Cozart’s height, but brightened up after hearing the last word. “O-oh, Zyxi! Yes, we were friends. I can’t believe she ended up here.”

“How do you know she’s here?” Cozart asked.

“Um, because there’s no other reason why you’d be asking me about her in this kind of place,” Cora responded, shrugging.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Tarrence interrupted, recovered from his momentary embarrassment. “This trap’s just standing here, in the middle of the freaking Hub, on nothing, and you guys are conversing like we’re in the middle of some grocery store?”

Cozart turned to look at his friend, sighing. “Really, Tarrence? We’re in a place where any kind of logic is blown to pieces, you can hyper-grow plants, and we all have some sort of weird power. Is this really that weird?”

“True that,” Tarrence muttered, unable to form a counter. Deciding that he’d made enough of a fool of himself for the day, Tarrence put on a stiff act. “Well, could you please come back with us? Us four- me, Cozart, Zyxi, and another girl named Lia- patrol this place every day to look for you twins, and today, we’ve finally found you.”

Cora hesitated, nervously glancing around. “I don’t know… I ended up here ‘cause my sis was mad at me and accidently used her powers, and I don’t know if she can find me again if I leave this area.”

Cozart shrugged. “We can wait, we should bring both of you to meet Zyxi, anyways. How long do you think it’ll take until your sister finds you?” He shifted himself into a more comfortable position, now that the living rollercoaster was no longer in effect.

“CORAAA!”

Cora sighed. “Just now.”

A young girl stormed over to the trio, looking exactly like Cora. On closer glance, her hair was a little longer.

“What are you doing here, idiot?!” Cori screeched, her face arranged in a scowl.

“Y-you sent me here…” Cora mumbled, shifting his feet and looking away.

“Silence!” Cori exclaimed, pointing her index finger at her brother. “Don’t talk like that to me!” Just then, she noticed Tarrence and Cozart, her gaze lingering on the tree for a brief second. “What are you two peasants doing here?”

Tarrence felt torn, wanting to flirt with the cute girl but hesitating when he remembered that she looked exactly like her twin brother… who looked like a girl. It just felt wrong, especially since he couldn’t look at the girl without thinking of the boy, and thinking about a girl when looking at the boy. It was all very confusing, and also felt very important to Tarrence.

Cozart was trying to come up with an appeasing answer for the bossy girl. I was never the social one, he mused. If only Lia was here.

The female twin didn’t look happy about their lack of a reply. “Well? If you’re done wasting my time, it’s about time me and my foolish brother went back.” She grabbed Cora’s wrist, who was looking more and more uncomfortable about the situation.

“Zyxi!” Tarrence burst out, trying to catch the girl’s attention before she left, probably by teleportation or some kind of wacky magical shenanigans. “Um, we were sent from her! To find you guys!”

“… Zyxi?” The girl’s angered expression evaporated, replaced by a look of childish glee. “Oh, she’s here? Lead me to her! You fools, why didn’t you say so earlier?”

“Because you didn’t let us-!” Tarrence began, ticked off by Cori’s disrespect.

“Si-LENCE!” Cori yelled, pointing her finger in the boy’s direction. “Hm… Oh, okay, she’s there? Let’s go!”

“Wait, what? I didn’t even tell youuuuuu-!” Tarrence was once again cut off, this time by a sudden feeling of nausea, and then with a fabric-like tug of their surroundings, the group of four was suddenly back in the wooden cabin Cozart and Tarrence started off in.

“… Teleportation?” Cozart asked for confirmation, although he already knew the answer. It was a quick process, and almost would’ve felt instantaneous, if it wasn’t for the dizzy after feeling.

“Jesus, these crazy magic psychopaths and their stupid mind-reading powers…” Tarrence groaned, leaning against the wall for support. He hated nausea, because he couldn’t do anything about it, unlike a physical wound.

“Are you two back and oh my gosh it’s you two! Too!” Zyxi turned the corner wearing an apron over her casual clothing, and did an immediate double-take upon seeing the twins.

“Zyxi~!” Cori squealed, doing a complete one-eighty from her earlier treatment of Tarrence. The younger girl ran over and tackled Zyxi in a hug, a smile splitting her face. “So this is where I sent you!”

“Nice to see you too- Wait, what?!” Zyxi screeched the last part, grabbing Cori by the shoulders and roughly shaking her. “You knew that you sent me somewhere? I thought that you were just playing around with your powers!”

Cori pouted, putting her small hands on Zyxi’s arms to stop the shaking. “It was an accident. I knew that I sent you somewhere in the… you guys called it the Hub, right? I just didn’t know where in this huge space.”

“So why didn’t you search?” Zyxi asked, eyebrows knitted in confusion and irritation.

“Becauuuseee…” Cori turned away, shrugging. “It would’ve been too inconvenient~”

A slap resounded through the house.

Tarrence raised his eyebrows. Cozart turned away. Zyxi stared in surprise, for the hand that slapped Cori… did not belong to her.

Cora had rushed between the two females, and was determinedly staring down his sister. “Sis, don’t be so rude.” He then turned to Zyxi, lowering his head in apology. “Please don’t take what she said the wrong way, Zyxi. You see, searching in the Hub… it’s easier said than done. The Hub is an endless place, and one mistake could’ve meant us getting stuck here, too, and then where would we be? I assure you that we did what we could.”

Tarrence smirked. “Girl-boy has some balls after all.”

Cozart nudged him in the side. “Shut up.”

Cori started trembling. “Cora…”

“Eeek!” Cora’s previous façade of bravery immediately vanished, replaced by his usual nervous and push-over self. “Y-yes?”

“Never mind,” Tarrence muttered, slightly disappointed.

“How dare you embarrass me!” Cori yelled, throwing a small tantrum. “Hmph. Well, you’re my little bro who doesn’t know any better, so I’ll forgive you… this once.”

Cora gave a little whimper. “I’m the older one, though-“

“Silence,” Cori firmly stated, cutting Cora off.

Zyxi sighed. “Same as always, Cori. Same as always. Putting that aside… Will you be able to get us home now?”

“No,” the twins chorused in unison.

“Why not?” Zyxi growled, feeling the irritation towards her childhood friends build up again.

Cori owlishly blinked her luminous golden eyes. “The spell needs all of you to be willing.”

Zyxi blinked back. “Hold on, you can’t mean that…”

Cora shrugged, scanning the occupants in the room, which did not include Lia, who was still in the kitchen cheerfully making random sweets. “Someone here doesn’t want to go back home. Actually, with the amount of negativity in the air… I’d say that none of you actually want to return.”


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Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:07 pm
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey there! Here as requested, of course.

Because you requested I focus on environment and description, I'll just toss you a few non-description-related nitpicks before getting into the meat of the matter.

First: Your names don't seem to match at all, and it's really distracting to have some people named Tarrence and Lia, then some named Cozart, Cori, and Cora, and then... Zyxi? I don't know what world these people are supposed to be from, and as someone who's never read anything else about these characters, it pulls me out of the story because I don't know how they're supposed to fit together.

Second: You don't really have a solid plot as contained in a short story. This feels more like the second or third chapter of a novel, because obviously there's some setup that I'm missing, and there's something else that happens directly after this that's a more major and more interesting conflict. I'd rather be reading this as a full story than what you have, which is an excerpt of a larger one.

Third: Slightly more minor, but you don't need to capitalize after you use a semicolon; the word after a semicolon is treated as part of the full sentence.

Okay, okay, on to the description.

One of the first things I noticed is that you tend to use informed characteristics and informed description, and when you don't, you seem to go over-the-top in the opposite direction. Let me show you:

Although he would never admit it, Zyxi could be incredibly terrifying.
[...]
Tarrence stuck out his tongue in a childish manner.
Both of these are slightly different examples of informed characteristics.

In the first one, you tell the readers that Zyxi can be terrifying, but because we don't see Tarrence being terrified by her, it loses most of its effect. We see Tarrence thinking of stealing her blanket, which definitely doesn't make us think he's terrified of her, and we see her acting like a somewhat rude mother hen who later "screeches" a lot. Neither of these things are necessarily "terrifying"—so what's something that Zyxi does that's so terrifying? Does she get her revenge in some specific way? Does she threaten them all and actually follow through? Don't tell us what she is; show us what she does.

In the second one, you're obviously trying to show us that Tarrence has a sense of humor, perhaps a little more childish. However, you don't need to tell us that sticking out your tongue is childish—when have you ever seen anyone stick their tongue out in an "adultish" manner? It's generally accepted in most modern cultures that sticking your tongue out is something that kids do, so when a character does it, we don't need to be told it's "in a childish manner".

Getting rid of informed characteristics and hand-holding (which is what I call the second example) is one step towards having stronger character descriptions. In short: You don't have to lead the reader to every conclusion, and they're more impressed by things characters do than things characters are said to be.

Moving on to some actual environmental description. I actually felt like your description was okay in the beginning of this, because obviously we're dealing with a place Tarrence has been for a while, and he's used to it. It didn't feel too stilted, and it wasn't so wordy or sparse that it left me wondering where exactly the readers were.

However, when you get into your conversations, you seem to fall into the trap that a lot of writers have (myself included): You feel the need to describe what characters are doing between every line of dialogue. This leads to writers using a lot of dialogue tags ("he mumbled", "she screeched", "he whimsically said") and saying things that would speak for themselves if they were left alone ("he didn't ask any further").

This makes it even more obvious that you don't really describe your environment in-depth. You describe your characters as they fidget and talk, but aside from that, I'm seeing them standing in a white bubble of blank space while they interact. Interestingly enough, part of your world is actually a white bubble of blank space, but I suppose you get what I mean, haha.

Now, to tackle an issue of having an omniscient point of view, also known as head-hopping:
Tarrence shuddered at the thought and the ever-growing tree took a little dip from its straight path, but he didn’t reply. Instead, a small, moving dot of brown caught his eye. “Hey, what’s that?” He stopped the growth to take a better look.

Cozart squinted with his one good eye, before letting out a small gasp. “It’s a person! Who… is walking on nothing?! Quick, drop down!”
This fails because, at other points, we can see Cozart's thoughts. We as the reader should be able to follow along as he squints and narrows his eye to peer into the distance, slowly recognizing that the moving spot is actually a person—but instead, we don't get anything. We get a little cheap suspense in Cozart's dialogue, but it goes from "moving dot of brown" to "person" with no description or anything in-between.

My point being, if you're going to have an omniscient POV, you're going to have to know how to use it well for suspense. There needs to be something between Tarrence seeing the dot and Cozart realizing it's a person, whether it's Tarrence's thoughts or Cozart's; if you want to keep the suspense, you could have Tarrence thinking it's a piece of trash or a magical bear or something, and then have Cozart's reveal; otherwise, you could have Cozart's slow realization.

There's really not much "wrong" with your environmental description. In fact, having sparser description and relying on character interaction and conflict is a style in and of itself, and I know a few people who enjoy reading and writing in that style. However, if you do use this style, then you have to make every ounce of description count; let your descriptions wow the readers.

Overall, I did actually enjoy this piece. I just felt like it was taken out of something much larger than itself, and your character descriptors failed much more than your environmental descriptors. Specifically because this is taking place in a world your characters obviously know very well, I don't feel like you have to wax poetic about the abalone domes in the distance of the wide pale yonder—keep it to what you're comfortable with, and just know that you can always edit it and add more or take it away later.

Keep writing!




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Mon Jun 22, 2015 3:56 pm
BellaRoma wrote a review...



Hi, EnderFlash - I'm Bella. Right, here to review as promised...
I see you've had some reviews already, so I hope I don't repeat what others have said too much.
It's an interesting premise to a story. I would like to read a bit more of this. The character names in this seem familiar, so I believe I've read something else of yours at some point.
The ending was pretty good - I thought it was a good kick of suspense.
There were lots of interesting things going on in this, so it manages to keep readers following the piece. I think you will get quite a good set of readers with this, because the Sci fi genre is quite popular at the moment. It also seems like the sort of thing readers will simply want to finish, if you know what I mean.

Your authors note confused me, are there other chapters up here that I should read, to help me understand this? Also, why does this not really relate to the rest of the story?

Okay:

It, being called the natural landscape, if it could even be called that.


I'm not a hundred percent sure why, but this sentence didn't flow when I read it. Just have another look at it... There were a couple of incidences of this, and I think it was the main drawback, reading this.

There were a couple of misspellings, such as "ey", which should be "eye" and "brunet", which ought to be "brunette".

Finally, I think the use of lots of letters to extend the words (eg. "becaaaause") was a little distracting after a certain amount of times I saw it. Try to limit it and express the intonation another way.
Also, I saw the "~" thingy in your writing. I don't know what it's called, or what it is used for. I think you should replace it with a dash "-" or "--", which creates a pause, like I think you were trying to there.

I don't think I really have any more to say, though. Good luck with your novel (do you have a proper title for this, by the way? Just curious...) :)

~Bella~




EnderFlash says...


Thanks! Although, brunet actually is a word. I was hesitant to use brunette, since that generally attributes to women. Brunet is less common, but is better for males, as far as I know.



EnderFlash says...


Also, sorry about the author's note. It doesn't relate to the story in any way....



EnderFlash says...


And yet another reply! I don't think there's a way to edit these small replies (unfortunately), so I'm afraid I'll be spamming you for a bit x3x My friends and I don't have a real name for this, since this was a random project we made up, so we just mashed the characters' names together in TaCoLiZy, or Tacolizy. Real original, I know.



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Sun Jun 14, 2015 2:59 pm
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wickedlymuggle wrote a review...



Hi EnderFlash!
I loved your story!! If this was a book, this would be the type I would finish in one day because it is so good. You had great characters with defined personalities, and a brilliant idea for a story. I only have three notes for you.

1. Throughout the whole story, I knew they were in "The Hub" the whole time, but you didn't really describe what it looked like. Maybe you can add some description while you they are riding the tree. You could describe them looking over "The Hub".

2. When Tarrence came downstairs and you described what he looked like, it sort of sounded like you had just finished the story and had realized that you had forgotten to describe the characters is you put a description there. The way you did it was fine, but I thought you could have put it in a better place. Maybe when Tarrence gets up he could walk over to a mirror to fix his hair really quick, and you could describe him there. For the other kids, maybe before he gets food, he can look at the table, and you could describe all who was there.

3. In the writing you cussed a couple of times, which I am fine with, but some people might not be. Maybe you should put a language warning on it for younger readers. ( I know I sound like a parent right now, but what can you do?)

Anyways, I loved your story and I can't wait to see you write more! :)




EnderFlash says...


Oh man... I thought I DID put the warning... I guess I have to double-check my settings x3x





It's okay! I loved it just the same! :)



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Sat Jun 13, 2015 7:54 am
fukase wrote a review...



Hi.
I was sorry to hear that. XD
Anyway, continuing with my review:
You have a great story with all the interesting plots you created within this story.
I'm sorry because I couldn't list all of your mistake. And here was a few:

He lay in blissful peace for another few minutes, a content half-smile on his lips


It should be somewhat like this, right?
"He was still laying himself in blissful peace for another few minutes with a content half-smile on his lip."

Tarrence lunged forwards, batting away Lia’s fork.


You meant battling, right? Still, I think 'battling' wasn't good enough. Can you find another 'proper' word.

Next
Anyways, we’re technically supposed be looking for the twins.


It should be "Anyways, we’re technically supposed to look for the twins.", right?

I'm sorry again for not be able to list up all your errors. Practice on your grammars, okay?
I truly hope this helped.

~Mikaela~




EnderFlash says...


Thank you for the review! About the batting thing, I meant the thing where you hit away something (kinda like a cat?). Maybe I mispelled it. I should get a beta... That might help with my grammar.



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Sat Jun 13, 2015 7:39 am
fukase says...



Good imagination; I love it.




fukase says...


Sorry for posting twice. It was because of my internet was slow.XD




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