gone
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really liked this! The description of looking in was good. It went on a little too long, though. Have you tried lyrics? You'd be good.
I enjoyed reading this, althought the second line was kind of expected - looking in
Over all i thin kyour structure and flow was good, and you kept it quite original. Keep this up!
Meevs
x
Hard to critique, but it was a nice piece. It kind of confused me at some points, but that didn't make it bad.
For shame...
Ah well, I liked it a lot. *points to Mad's comment* I think that's what I was trying to figure out when I was reading. I knew that there was something I could have helped with, but I couldn't guess what it was.
I've read through the poem a million times, but couldn't figure out what exactly needed to be tweaked. So so so sry.
Overall, though, I really enjoyed it.
Truly,
J|A|C|K
I really liked the ideas and points in this poem, as well as how you applied them. I think that some of it was a little repetative, however. There were words that seemed to be used a little to close to oneanother and things like that. I don't think this idea and style really need that, but I think it's fine how you repeated the main idea in the poem in the last line. It sort of brings the point this poem is making back into focus. This poem definately had some admirable lines, ideas, and descriptions in it.
The second last line there is a little long and it sort of throws the lines that you had before it. Are you ending on a single word for effect? I'm not sure that it quite works because it makes everything really uneven. Occasionally, yes, it would be effective but I think in repetition it loses some of it's power unless it comes at set intervals in some proper structure.
Nice piece of description here.
This is sort of relating back to the point I made first. I think that while it does make the list seem more lengthy and emphasis all the things that they do do it would be just as effective if you made it into a longer list. But here I think it really is more your choice, it does coincide with the flow of the poem and create regularity so, it's just my personal opinion. Feel free to ignore it
Good use of the full stops adds strength and weight to the points that you make.
Cut out one of the two packs, it doesn't really work to have two of them so close together, I'm sure there is another word you could find which would fit just as well, it would also add some diversity.
Maybe break up that line, it doesn't fit in with the rhythm that you've got, with your shorter more fragmented lines.