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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Whee, I like the title
I didn't like the first two stanzas so much. The first seemed like a general summary, and didn't really seem... complete, like sentence fragments. Personally, I think you can get rid of it altogether. In the second stanza, "face" and "name" in different forms just seemed to repeat/cycle throughout, and the line about coffee ruined the mood. With the exception of the line "the faceless names of your distant times" I think you can pretty much get rid of the second stanza as well.
^ I think you use too many words, especially in the second line here, though I don't have any suggestions for that one. I do, however, think you can change "making appearances" to "appearing"
^ my first impression was "well, you say that they've died and are ghosts, that would imply that they're no longer alive. I think you could say something like "These ghost people have effectively died/ they are different people now" and still get your point across.
^ Unless you punctuate the line "they are different people now" at the end, I think the repetition of "different" here is unnecessary. "Once knew" is pretty much synonymous with "in your childhood" and "your past" and all three together are rather redundant.
^ I think this part's really nice. And I think that if the rest of the poem were a little tighter, it would fit this ending perfectly.
In complete agreement with previous posts.
I like the premise (at least as I understood it) of how past demons can haunt someone in the present.
I loved the wording, especially:
"The Demons of Privilege (did I just misspell this? I'm almost sure you did though)
The Demons of Coffee"
That I liked a lot. The only image that seemed out of place was "mist and blood" which seemed a little cliched...
You know what this reminded me of? It reminded me of Slaughterhouse Five, where the aliens see in 4 dimensions. They think death is a foreign concept because while someone might be dead at one moment, they also see him as alive in another moment. This idea of different times existing side by side seemed to resonate in your poem.
I loved it.
I like this. It's beautiful and a little bit haunting. What inspired it?
Thew beginning of S2 didn't sound or flow that well. Maybe you should think about tweaking it.
But, good job anyway.
~Butter In My Hair
I like this a lot.
Umm...I really can't find anything against it except that in some parts it didn't flow too great.
But I'm now totally in love with the phrase/term/whatever "Faceless Names" It's so beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you came up with something like that?! Psh! lol Just Kidding.
Keep up the good work!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
Muffin......as I already told you, this poem is amazing. I think I will *again* frame it. LOL. Anywho. you already know how I feel about this poem. It's wonderful. I loved it. KEEP POSTING....even if you have doubts.
---RED