Why?
Why must I live in what was supposed to be a fairly land
But resembles more of a wasteland?
A world oh so colourless
Where I feel powerless
Why?
Why must I live in a world where people judge me on the colour of my skin
Instead of trying to see what’s within?
Where I’m constantly thinking about looking like a doll
Where my skin-deep beauty matters above all
Why?
Why do some people hate others just because of who they hold dear?
Is it simply caused by fear
Since they’re different than us?
Anyone with the right mindset wouldn’t make a fuss
Why?
Why do some individuals think that they’re gold
And that others are coal?
That mentality makes them look like zinc
It makes them more worthless than they think
Why?
Why is the land that we live in treated like a dumpsite?
This is not alright
We need to stop this behavior
In order to really admire the splendid nature
Why?
Why must we resort to violence
Or fraudulence?
We must understand that fighting with an opponent
Does not makes us potent
The human race needs to change
Why?
Because this negativity needs to die
Because this world needs to beautify
Or else, happiness and peacefulness will not come by
I don’t care about which gender you love
I don’t care if whether or not you look like a dove
I don’t even care about which God you glorify
Why?
Because there are more important matters in the world for me to focus on
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Your poem was eye-opening. Good poems are hard to find (especially for a picky reader like me) but this one really hit me. I wish people could be as wise as you are. It seems like all anybody ever wants to do is fight. This poem shows that there's more to life than fighting.
Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it
Hi! This is my first review, so it may not be good, but I'll give it a shot!
I really enjoyed your poem! I loved the message and I completely agree with you.
When you say, "I don't care if whether or not you look like a dove"
Maybe instead you could say something about keeping peace like a dove just to tie in its significance.
That's just a bit of a thought you could work off of! Thank you for sharing your poem as well as your ideals! Happy writing!
Thanks for the review.
I actually meant that in a sense like "I don't care if you're white like a dove".
Hey there! clogs here to review!
I think the first thing I'm going to comment on is the formatting. This could benefit from being split into stanzas. The YWS publisher can be tricky to get formatting right. I usually press "shift" and "enter" at the same time when making a new line to bring them closer together, but if that doesn't work, you can also try putting minor punctuation such as "~" or "-" in between the stanzas to keep them apart. It looks like you already have clear divisions between your stanzas (a new one every time there's a new "why"), so this shouldn't be too difficult.
I'd also like to comment on your use of centered text. I'm not a huge fan of the style, and I don't really think it works here. It makes the poem difficult to read, and as I've heard another reviewer say, looks a little too "hallmarky". I recommend taking it away and just letting the natural lengths of the lines speak for themselves.
Also in line with formatting: Your stanzas mostly have four lines, except for the last two. I'd recommend editing this so that all the stanzas are the same length, just for consistency's sake.
I think that the rhyming came across as forced in a lot of places. It almost seemed unnecessary- like here's this lovely poem about the evils of society- and look! It rhymes too! I didn't really feel like it fit at all, especially because of the forced-ness. A lot of times, it felt like you were purposefully arranging phrases different than you might have usually in order to fit the rhymes. That's a no-no in rhyming poetry; it should always feel like the words fit naturally around the rhymes, so when you come to them, it's like "ah" instead of "argh". Here are a few examples of forced rhymes so that you know how to recognize them:
The word "potent" really felt out of context here. Also, "opponent" and "potent" are near rhymes rather than perfect rhymes, so it really felt like you were grasping at straws here.
To me, "zinc" was kinda cringey because it felt like you were trying to keep the minerals of the previous two lines going, but it really only makes sense if you tilt your head and squint and look at it a certain way. To me, it seems like an obvious grab for a rhyme.
So there are two forced rhymes from this poem. There are more, but hopefully you can better identify them now. There's a number of ways to fix the "forced rhyming" problem. You could try taking out rhymes altogether and make this a free verse poem! I feel like that could give you more room to explore your ideas. You can also try to edit this to take away some of the forced rhymes. Just remember that everything should feel natural. No words should come out of the blue.
[/inordinately long rant on forced rhyming]
Now, I want to talk about how you express these ideas. You're certainly not the first person to ever write a poem about society, so you need to think about how to make your ideas stand out and speak in your own voice. You seem to be doing this by making it all a question: Why? That does work, but it does get a little repetitive after a bit. Your phrases tend to be generic. For instance:
I feel like I could pull this off of tumblr, complete with a flowery background. None of this is really new. You're trying to overgeneralize complex human issues. Instead of just talking about the problem, talk about it on a personal level. How does this affect peoples lives? Instead of, "why do some people hate others because of who they hold dear," try something like "why can't my brother marry the man he's been dating for 8 years?" We all know that these issues exist in society. Try talking about them on a human level to evoke emotion in your reader. And if you can talk about real experiences, then great! It adds your own unique voice to the poem.
One last thing: You don't seem to have a consistent method of punctuation. In fact, the only punctuation I really see in this are the question marks. If you're going to add those, then I recommend adding in other punctuation as well, otherwise it comes across as disjointed. Here is my favoritest article ever from our very own YWS Knowledge Base on the subject of punctuation:
Punctuation in Poetry
For this poem, I would probably recommend sentence punctuation, just because there are so many questions.
I think that's all I have to say! I know it may seem like I tore your poem apart (which I did), but it doesn't mean you've done a bad job at all. In fact, you've written a very nice poem! I'm simply looking for ways you can improve, something which I've acquired a lot of experience with after being on this site for 2 years. This is a great start! I hope this review helped, and keep on writing!
Thank you for the review.
I'm a complete newbie in poetry, so your tips will help me greatly when I write my future poems.
Hello there! I'm here to review this poem of yours! I'll start with critiques, then move on to the good elements.
This is just a suggestion, but I feel a different word would strengthen the lines rhyme. For all the stanzas, I would add a period to the end. More punctuation in general is needed. Commas should be sprinkled where appropriate and periods placed at ends of thoughts. These revisions will improve the flow of your work. It would make the lines "Why? hit harder with a pause. The fifth stanza with the line is redundant. It's also not the strongest part of your poem because you say that this is unacceptable, but don't expand on why that's so. Either remove the entire stanza or rework it. The line could be edited to have a more hopeful tone to it. For example Call the audience to action to give the situation hope that can be participated in. In the ending line, change 'me' to 'us', or take the pronoun out all together. This will make the audience feel more included and emotionally connected to the poem. It would also cause them to pay attention to the issues you bring up throughout your poem.Critiques: Second line has a typo. "fairly" should be "fairy". Or so I'm assuming. Also in the first stanza, you use 'land' to rhyme with 'land'. Maybe try
Good aspects: Your overall message here is fairly well delivered. You have some strong phrases that evoke thought and feeling. The entire structure fits nicely together, especially with the start lines "Why?" that fade into each other as they start but also finish the stanza. My favorite stanza is probably the fourth. Nice job!
Thank you so much for the review
Any time!
"why" couldnot you expect some applaud...
when you tried your best to fight against the Bad...
lol...soo cool..
I understand...what you felt with in..
There is so much of Questioning..And that's the way we get to understand the TRUTH..
yes, Ofcourse the world doesn't seem to be promising, but "why" people keep complaining all the time, instead of trying their best..to make the world a better place to live...
I am very glad, atleast to find one such a person who put his/her thoughts together...and question "why"
This seems to be a rebellion... but being A REBELLION only to MAKE PEACE is a greater determination..
Your poem reminds me of the saying.." A pen is mightier than a sword"
So true. I appreciate your thoughts. keep it up and keep writing..You are blessed if atleast it influences one in a thousand..cheers
I'm sorry, but I don't understand how this "review" is actually reviewing my work.