E - Everyone

Star City - Chapter 1

Chapter One

The Diamond Prison

Tomorrow it would be her seventeenth rotation.

Koretta pulled herself up higher until she was perching precariously on the very tip of the solar ray. The air always seemed clearer up here. She could think. She wrapped her arms around her knees and craned her neck, gazing up at the dome. The great silver shield was one of the most incredible feats of Marlayan engineering of all time, the vast dome that held the glinting city in a perfect capsule above their star. But to Koretta... it was her prison.

She strained her eyes. Searing up from the horizon was the burning eternal light from the star, but at the top of the dome a watery patch of sinister darkness. And within that endless night, tiny pinpricks of a weaker brightness. The largest of Marlaya's three planets was almost centred above the dome, marking another rotation. She breathed out deeply, focusing on the faintest dots.

The other stars.

It was like trying to wade through something sticky and vile, like tar or rubbish slime, every time she tried to find out more about the other Marlayan cities. But she was long accustomed to such hostility. She got the same answer to every single question she ever asked regarding the stars, the 'outside', the Deep Gates, the mysterious 'Nexus'... the exact same one, every time...

That knowledge is for the Elders only...

Koretta pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Such a headache. The damned Elders. The thought knifed through her mind like a bolt of lightning. She looked up sharply, almost expecting the Elder Guards themselves to be standing on her father’s roof right below her. She had heard the stories about the great metal soldiers; the dead blue eyes, the mechanical hearts, but she had never seen them before. Tomorrow though, tomorrow was her chance. Her seventeenth rotation. She would be eligible to accompany her father to the annual communion.

The Great Council met once every rotation, forty-three dignitaries who convened in the glass observatory of the Grand Theatre to discuss Marlayan politics, essentially. They were meant to consolidate societal issues… or something. It was all bureaucratic nonsense. And the Chief Advisor? A man revered throughout Marlaya, almost worshipped, for his proximity to the Elders. He was responsible for communicating the Council’s thoughts to them, their requests… but it was a façade.

Koretta turned her face back to the distant cities. The Elders had such a hold over the people. She shivered… like Gods.

Everyone knew the story of their ancestors. At the beginning of time, the One was born, and from him grew Marlaya’s star. An immortal, omniscient entity, the One burned at the heart of the star, it had been for 13 billion years. The Marlayans had descended from his children, the children of light… Three Goddesses, and three Gods: Ona, Mye, Shaan, Durk, Jel, and Fae. But the Elders? She had even heard her father muttering darkly in the moments when he thought she wasn’t listening that he didn’t even know what they were any more.

No one had actually seen them in centuries… no one but the Chief Advisor.

The feeling was deep in her bones, the feeling that something was wrong. Inherently wrong. And it involved the Elders in some way. The Elder Secrets.

She shivered once more, rubbing her icy blue eyes. She was cold. And it was late. She glanced back up at the largest planet, so close to its zenith. She eased herself down the solar ray, her bare toes curling as they touched the diamond roof. She breathed in deeply through her nose, throwing a last glance over the city. Thousands of vessels were still soaring back and forth even though the curfew was rapidly approaching. The mighty Solar Ships dominated the sky, their billowing silver sails full and bloated. She gazed at the glinting spires and turrets of Marlaya… a city of diamonds. No, she quickly corrected herself, a prison of diamonds.

She sighed, hurrying down the spiral stairs within the central tower of their home, winding down towards the ground floor. The whole city was composed of diamonds, every single block, the legacy of the divine powers. Fresh air. She needed fresh air. Never mind if it was barely an hour until the ‘sacred’ curfew. She finally reached the hallway and was inches away from the door when he yelled.

‘Koretta?’

She closed her eyes, teeth gritted. So damn close.

‘Father?’ she said slowly, turning. He was standing at the entrance to the parlour in his council robes. Just seeing him draped in the thick red garment this late at night when he had clearly had ample time to change infuriated her.

‘Koretta do you know what day it is tomorrow?’ The words dripped with a paralysing calm. Her fists involuntarily clenched as she glared at him. She couldn’t even see his eyes, the shadows in the corner of the room staining his entire body. She was struck by a sudden overwhelming urge to hit him.

‘Why yes, father, tomorrow will be my seventeenth rotation.’

Damn it, Koretta,’ he yelled suddenly, slamming his left hand against one of the sparkling pillars. She flinched, but held her ground, unblinking. ‘Thousands of other children your age would willingly harm to have such an opportunity. When your father is one of the forty-three most important figures in the whole of Marlaya and you have the privilege to intend one of the Great Councils, you show some gratitude.’

The only sound puncturing the thick silence that followed was his heavy breathing, the wide grey eyes flashing in the darkness. But he had done it. Once again, he had done it. Firstly, was the reference to her as a child. It felt as though her blood was heating up, burning her veins, destroying her from the inside out. And secondly, was talking about himself in the first person. She felt the adrenaline coursing through her.

‘They’d harm would they, father? Would they kill?’ she murmured sardonically, ‘But this is the great Marlaya, a world of no crime, where everyone is equal, a city of mindless drones so naïve they are blind to the lies, the secrets… How are the Elders doing father?’

She could tell by the way he was standing the sheer intensity of his anger. But she couldn’t stop.

‘Oh that’s right… you don’t have the faintest idea. Above your pay grade is it? But then again… this is the great Marlaya, and everyone is equal. The same quantities of everything as your neighbor, that’s how the manifesto goes doesn’t it? Just get back before the curfew and don’t ask any questions and you might just get to lead a boring, perfect life.’

For several seconds she didn’t move, channeling all the pent-up frustration and anger inside of her directly towards him. Then she turned on her heel, pressed her palm to the door, and as it slid back with a serpentine hiss, she stormed out into the silence and the cold.

The curfew,’ she just heard him screaming after her but nothing could have stopped her in that moment of clawing fury.

She didn’t slow down until she had left the council towers far behind in the darkness and ascended to the upper walkways, moving deeper into the heart of the city. There were parts she still hadn’t seen. It would probably take several months to make it all the way around the perimeter of the dome, but there were seventeen different layers to the city. Naturally, the council towers could all be found on Level 1.

She finally reached the central core, leaning against the glistening railing and leaning out over the dark chasm. The dome’s light filtration was adjusted over the course of the day, and so was the temperature. Koretta had never fully understood why it was so necessary to have the world dark and cold while they slept. The shadows were so thick now that she could barely make out the Deep Gates. She narrowed her eyes. Level 17 was mainly storage and recycling… or something. Maybe the filtration systems, ventilation? Whatever was down there, it all spiraled out from the Deep Gates… the doorways to hell.

Or not. Again, one of these questions that received that infuriating reply. Why was it so damned important that they weren’t allowed to even understand the world they lived in. The general story was that the gates were a vast airlock system where their refuse was jettisoned towards the star. It would all glide right past the great fusion reactors that hung below the city before being incinerated in the One’s wrath. But she had a different theory… though of course she had never been able to discuss it with anyone. She had a clawing feeling deep inside of her that it was actually a great prison, a mighty jail where rule breakers would suffer barbaric torture before being dropped into the star.

Yes, this was the great Marlaya, and there was no crime, but no one ever seemed to be able to answer some of the most blindingly obvious questions. What happened if you broke the curfew? What happened if you openly denounced the Elders? And what if you did commit a crime? What if you murdered someone?

She yearned to know. The suppression of such knowledge was killing her. She was absolutely convinced that she was living in an illusion. A glinting diamond city of pure spirits and undiluted happiness resting on the eternal light of a beautiful star, ruled by an all-knowing group of anonymous leaders… it was all too fragile, so fragile. And the ironclad certainty deep in her heart was that one day, one terrifying and mighty day… everything would shatter.

She straightened, trying desperately to crush the sudden surge of dread within her. Almost directly ahead, in the centre of the vast cylindrical hollow core, was a square island. And resting on top of this illusion was the tallest tower in the city. At first glance it looked like it was a floating block of diamond, hovering over the abyss, but there were six glistening arches that stretched from the tower’s base, bridging the gap to the rest of Level 1… the Elder Tower.

And blocking the great pillared entrances were the Elder Guards, locked in within the high diamond walls until activated... it had not happened yet.

She turned her back on the looming fortress in disgust, sweeping her long silver hair over her shoulder. A sleek Solar Ship sighed past far above her, the triangular engine at its stern spewing a strange white fire.

That’s when the knife of fear sliced through her. She brought her left arm up to her face, glancing hurriedly at the inside of her wrist where a small silver gel panel rested on her skin. For half a second she just stared in an abstract shock at the flashing numbers, the small red light in the corner warning her of her mistake.

The time.

The curfew.

Three minutes.

She had three minutes to get back to the council towers or she would never even see that seventeenth rotation.

Koretta ran for her life.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review · Mon Aug 12, 2013 2:13 am

I hate you (not really).

I do, however, dislike when a prologue is used, then the first chapter is completely unrelated. It may be just a pet peeve, but it feels to me like it's overdone.

Fortunately for you, I find your first chapter just as interesting as the prologue. It's as ethereal as your prologue in a way. Just as mysterious, far-fetched. Brava.

However, I feel in your effort to maintain the ethereal beauty you're aiming for, here you lack some very important details.

I am confused as to who your main character is. At first, when she talked about the dome being her prison, I thought of her as some sort of slave, an unsung cog turning to maintain the fragile equilibrium of a precarious utopia... but alas, she is the rebellious teen daughter of a powerful and greedy man. Sigh. Been there, seen that. But aha, not all is lost! Reading on, I discovered or rebellious heroine had some very interesting – and scandalous – theories about her city.

And yet, here comes the downside of the ethereal: it's not solid. Your character is simply telling us, right off the bat, what could have been a mind blowing climax in the story. The readers need to understand something is wrong with this utopia by seeing it through Koretta's eyes, not by hearing it from her. Otherwise it's a sort of anti-climax, see what I mean?

This is also increased by the fact you don't quite make it clear who her father is, who Koretta is really. There's an overall lack of details here which disappoints me somewhat. It pains me to say this also applies to your description. For example, I'd have loved to see more of the main core, or Koretta's room, and so forth.

But hey, who knows? Perhaps this was deliberate. I could respect that. I guess I'll have to sit tight and find out as the story progresses.

Hope I could help
~Ita

Heya, thanks so much for your review! Yeah the prologue is intended to give you a glimpse into the whole point of the entire series (5 books). But don't worry, we'll get back to the Watcher along the journey...

I know I was a bit ambiguous about Koretta's view of Marlaya as a prison, but this is to emphasise her confusion and frustration as well.

Who her father is will be elaborated on in the fourth chapter. ;)

Thanks so much for your thoughts, I'll work on it :)

User avatar
Bellator
Review

Hello! First off, I love this idea. A huge diamond city full of mystery and a headstrong girl trying to figure it out! Also, the interesting vocabulary you used, such as "sardonically" and " "omniscient" helped your writing flow very well. I couldn't really find any mistakes other than grammar. This is definitely something I would be interested in reading more of! Keep writing!
-Bellator

Wow thanks for reading, and for your kind words :)

User avatar
AfterTheStorm
Review

Hey there, Empress! The name's Storm, and I'll be reviewing for ya this afternoon! :D Before I begin, though, I just wanted to say that I really loved this first chapter overall. You gave me a clear understand of the world surrounding Koretta without shoving the information down my throat. The details were perfect, and I could easily picture Marlaya. I'm very excited to discover more about this 'diamond prison'!

Next, I also could imagine Koretta- her personality, her feelings about her life in the city, and her appearance. I like how she is portrayed as an imperfect girl, whose curiosity and thirst for knowledge might get the best of her.

Now, onto the grammatical and punctuational errors. I know, I know. This is the part where you groan and roll your eyes at me. xD Some of these mistakes are very miniscule, but still make a big difference in your writing. I'm going to make this simple by copying what you initially wrote and putting that in italics, then showing you what the sentence should be edited to.
---
"She had heard the stories about the great metal soldiers; the dead blue eyes, the mechanical hearts, but she had never seen them before."

Should be:

She had heard the stories about the great metal soldiers- the dead blue eyes, the mechanical hearts- but she had never see them before.
---
"Firstly, was the reference to her as a child. And secondly, was talking about himself in the first person."

Should be:

First was the reference to her as a child. And second was talking about himself in third person.
---
"‘They’d harm would they, father? Would they kill?’ she murmured sardonically,"

Should be:

'They'd harm, would they, Father? Would they kill?' she murmured sardonically.
---
"'How are the Elders doing father?’"

Should be:

How are the Elders doing, Father?'
---
"Why was it so damned important that they weren’t allowed to even understand the world they lived in."

Should be:

Why was it so damned important that they weren't allowed to even understand the world they lived in?
---

There truly weren't many mistakes in this, and I did not find any spelling errors! :D Good job on that. Most mistakes were related to punctuation.

With that out of the way, I felt like this first chapter flowed well and set up the story perfectly. I love your writing style, Empress, and the way you describe the settings. I am eagerly looking forward to the next chapter! :) As always, write on!

---Storm

Hiya, thanks for such kind words :)

And I hate when those kind of mistakes slip under my radar. Stupid really, not putting a question mark at the end of a question? Dear oh dear!

Thanks so much :)

Bethan :)



Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson