Published January 31, 2009
These suicidal twists in life
With all the tears, the screams, the knife
Is life only about how long you live?
How much you give?
Where is the caring and sharing?
The devoted, and unrequited love?
Why is everything so unbearable?
What’s with the divorces and all the fights?
Where is peace and love that used to be?
I want it to be okay!
I want to be able to skip
To run around and laugh
To open myself up and not be afraid of the repercussions
But if you are yourself everyone just squashes you down
Like a disgusting bug
Can I move back in time?
Can I bring some old people back?
No! I can’t!
But I can try my best
I can say what I think
I can change things
Maybe no one will listen
Or, maybe they will
How am I to know?
The future is not known to all
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,748 Reviews
I really like this piece. There was so much truth and depth behind all of it! It really expresses emotion and who people feel at times. It drew me in and held my attention until the end. Wonderful poem! Keep Writing! It has potential.
Hello there! I found a couple of punctuation errors in this, but I'm really bad at grammar, so I'm not too sure how to fix it...'Kayy, on with the actual review!
I don't like the idea of starting a poem with these...Try starting it with "such" maybe?
I don't understand this. Shouldn't it be "Not how much you give?"
No comma after devoted...
Saying "What's with" makes it sound informal which doesn't fit. And, the "all the" before the fights seems a bit redundant...Maybe try "Why the divorces and fights?"
"I want it to be okay" sounds a bit childish. Maybe try, "I wish for those days again"?
I absolutely adore these five lines. They're PERFECT!!
Uhh, this might just be me, but I have absolutely no idea what these two lines mean. Clarify please?
"No! I can't!" annoys me for some reason...I'm not too sure how to fix it...Play around with it...
Again, I love these five lines! Awesome!
The last line is weirdly phrased...Maybe try "After all the future is meant to be a mystery"?
Great job on this!! I'd love to read more of your poetry!
PM me if you want to talk about this!
fluteluvr77<3
Hey, Laura!
I really liked it, but the part about bringing old people back confused me. *shrugs* It was still mighty good though!
helloo!
First of all, I really liked the theme of this and all of your ideas. It is the 100% honest truth, and I greatly enjoyed it. You composed your feelings quite well also.
I did notice that some places could do with more punctuation, though.
Here:
"I want to be able to skip
To run around and laugh
To open myself up and not be afraid of the repercussions
But if you are yourself everyone just squashes you down
Like a disgusting bug"
And here:
"But I can try my best
I can say what I think
I can change things
Maybe no one will listen
Or, maybe they will
How am I to know?
The future is not known to all"
I just noticed that you went from punctuating every line to no punctuation at all. It's just a suggestion. I did really think that this was pretty good anyways.
Lastly, I want to say, when you said...
"Maybe no one will listen
Or, maybe they will"
you would be surprised by how many people actually listen.
Keep on writing!!!!
PS thank you mucho for the advice on "NOW"
=]]