Published January 7, 2012
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,423 Literary Works • 674,400 Reviews
Enjoy my complicated-ness.
Ah.
Ghostie, I took your advice and got rid of the stanzas completely.
Okay.
Thank you for all of your suggestions.
This was the first poem that I've ever written in this sort of format, and is also the very first poem that I've actually kind of liked when it was finished. I needed to write this, as it's based on a lot of complicated thoughts and ideas that were in my head at the time of when I wrote it. I guess that might be why you guys found it hard to understand.
I was working with doing nine syllables per line. I kind of figured that that would equate to a certain rhythm. So, I guess that doesn't work
Thank ya'll again for the reviews
Emmzziee
Emmzziee,
To go along with what ghostie mentioned, yes the rhythm and flow of the poem is off, mostly the issue here has to do with punctuation errors.
Okay, so I've gone ahead and corrected the first stanza. The entire poem's punctuation is completely off, but you can check out this lovely guide if you need more help.
I do like some of the images in this poem, and I thought the concept was cute, however I was a bit confused with the pronouns here. Who is the speaker? Who is "you"? And who is "they"? I thought the "you" referred to water, but it was never quite clear. Actually, it feels as though this piece could be longer, and maybe needs some more elaboration?
Ultimately, it is your call. I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions.
~ as always, Audy
-