Published September 16, 2011
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
very dark and emotional poem but it gets your mind acroos quite ckearky and very rarely do i enjoy reading dark poems, okay i don't enjoy the terror but a guess a better word or phrase as i shoulld say is once i started reading your poem i couldn't stop and that is a trait of a wondeful poet espically for someone so young but it helps when you user persoanl expericences like you did then trying to make up a happy and fluffy poem, in my opinon heartfelt is easier then trying to sugarcoat something
Well Hey!
Well I have to say this didnt flow together at all. The words where just out there, they had no meaning to one another nor to the subject of the story.
well, you have a few differences in this poem.
[list=]1. Subject keeps changing
2. the words need to change
3. the flow could be alot better. [/list]
Alright, please dont take any offense I dont mean to be mean and critical. Im just a story writer and I can see different things others dont. If you dont like my changes please dont take them then. Im not a poet at all so please dont be mad at me...
If you need to talk over it message me by all means and email me as well if you need to talk about it.
~ Randi (alabaster)
Wow! Awesome poem! Very eerie, but very beautiful. Gripped me right from the start! Loved the title too, dark and enticing.
Strong start, well done!
I really liked the start of this stanza. Reminds me of Evanescence's new song "What you want" (I think the chorus starts with "hello, hello...") However I'm not quite sure what the "agree" part means - what are you agreeing with?
Ooh, so creepy! I'm not sure but I always thought "for ever" was "forever" (one word.) It doesn't really matter, just a point of interest.
Nice use of rhyme here, felt very natural.
I liked both of these stanzas. Just a note; you don't need to start each new line with a capital letter, particularly if it continues on from another line, like "Don't keep calling/And calling him" - you could use a lower-case "a" for "and calling him". It just gives it a slightly better sense of flow and the reader doesn't sort of stop each time they read a new line.
Again, nice, effective use of rhyme in the first stanza of this bit. And the last two lines are fantastic - don't change them. They're chilling and leave the reader hanging for more.
I really enjoyed this poem! Well done, this is awesome - good use of language and a great atmosphere. Keep wriitng!
Well since you've made changes, i guess it's time for a re-review.
I really like this stanza, but there is one little thing you should think about. You used "leer" for the second time, which is not bad, but it also isn't good. It goes really nicely with the rhyme scheme you have here, which means it would be hard to change. You don't have to change it, but think about it.
I'm pretty sure you added this, and I'm very glad that you did.
This is definitely one of the most powerful closing couplets i've ever read, a very nice touch.
You did a really nice job editing this poem, so two thumbs up to you!!
Keep writing
arspoetica
That was a very eery, but amazing poem at the same time! I only have one possible recommendation for something to change.
I feel that maybe moving the first "Calling" up to the third line balances out the syllable a little, but thats my preference.
Besides that, you have one heck of a poem here. You have some very strong and emotional imagery, and your diction was pretty much picture perfect for this poem. Very well done!
Keep writing
arspoetica