E - Everyone

All The Kings Pen

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Philip Nawala pressed the thin tip of his weapon against the palm of his hand. It pierced his skin, and although pain flooded his chest, Philip held his stony expression in place. The last time Philip winced at the touch of a pen tip, he had endured punishment far more lasting than a scarred hand. Philip's eyes flicked up to the beetle-shell lenses of the cameras, perched in each corner of his cell. They would not tolerate error much longer, Philip knew. They would allow for hesitation. Philip withdrew the fountain pen from his throbbing vein. The blood that did not adhere to the reddened tip slid down his pale arm like an angry tear, but Philip did not see it. He was looking at the papers, sitting before him at the aluminum table. One page, typed in harsh black print, was The Plan. The rest of the sheets were blank, but they wouldn't be for long. Philip selected one white page and slid it towards himself and, curling his shoulders over the desk, began to write. Deliberately, Philip copied the steele black printing; writing it over again in messy, crimson cursive. Pen in hand, he used the blood of his body to draw out the blood of thousands. The Plans dictated the movement of armies, the capture of cities and the destruction of lives. The magic of Philip's blood turned the brutal plans into a violent reality.

Philip wrote and his blood screamed.

---

President Allan Chilcott stood next to his polished oak desk, twenty-seven floors above anyone who mattered. The only light in the room radiated from a small laptop computer. The pale glow of the screen cast deep shadows into the face of the world’s most powerful man. Over the past three years, Alan's eyes had grown weak from late nights of low light and little sleep. For the past hour, Allan Chilcott’s computer had displayed a live recording of a dank, subterranean cell. Nawala, or as his file labeled him, Asset #357, had been writing for that whole period, and he was still only half way finished transcribing the document. Pathetic. It had taken Allan half that time to type the official copy, and that included the time it took to run the spell checker and affix the official wax seal. Allan began to pace irritably across his massive, pristine office. What was this man trying do? Bleed out? Stall the proceedings? That would never do... You’d assume a man with such a grand purpose would take his duties seriously.

Allan resolved that the job would be done by the stroke of midnight, even if he had personally speed up the process. That was only a few minutes away, but Allan fretted that this might still be too late. The enemy forces were creeping slowly into position --impassioned, but still weak from their most recent defeat-- and his investors were set to conference with him the next morning. Even after months of undefeated campaigns, these investors still asked for more. They wanted the war to be wrapped up neatly and tied in a bow. Some of them even called for lower body counts, and less emphasis on the use of Writers in tactical areas. Allan did not appreciate being at the beck and call of these investors. It seemed archaic, now that they were on the verge of a new social order. How would capitalism fair in totalitarian regime spanning the entire globe?

Allan glanced back at the broken man on his computer screen. Who needs money when you have power like this? He knew the real world was at the peak of it’s rebellion-fueled chaos, and it would go out with a bang, not a whimper. All the kindling was in place, Chilcott knew. All the writer had to do was strike the match.

In that moment, the Writer put down his pen. His mouth creased, his face a blank slate.

Allan Chilcott smiled, and the world was engulfed in flames.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
kevin25a
Review

Personally I disagree with the review before me. As a short story that's not chapter based taking time to give a backstory is usually a completely awful idea. It makes it to long with little use (an info dump in short). I love the story you did and you have earned a follower. I do think this would be a good story to convert to a novel/chapter story instead because it has a lot of potential.

User avatar
Pompadour
Review

Hey, Emma! Welcome to YWS~ I'm a bit rusty on reviewing, so I'll try to make this quick.

So, first off, you have quite the handle on the technicalities of writing, and your grammar is pretty good, from what I can tell. I guess what really bothered me was (a) the lack of allure, and (b) no background story. I really had to struggle to understand what was going on, and although your imagery is rich, I couldn't connect to the characters--and this isn't a good thing, because I want to be able to feel something for your characters. I can't feel Philip's pain because I cannot understand it, even after reading through this several times, and this may be because you've tried to smush an epic into a nutshell; and the nutshell is breaking.

AKA: Your plot is too large and you've run through this way too fast.

Also, another reason why the entirety of this piece carries such a detached feel is because I don't really know who these people are, and because you have to tell us who they are, this results in quite a bit of an info-dump which isn't very pleasuring to read through. I'd advise you to re-write this and expand on this, maybe, but also to focus more on telling in a showing manner, rather than telling us in a way that is monotonous and bland. You could do this by starting out with the scene differently, perhaps by inserting some dialogue into the story, or by showing us emotion through character movement (rather than telling us how he felt, etc.). Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying dialogue is a necessity to a good story; but for a story that is entirely guided by emotion, where the plot has been thrust into too less of a space, I'd say dialogue would downplay the monotony. I'm intrigued by what you have going here, honestly, and the only reason I'm being harsh is because this could really be something. As it is, I had to force myself to read through this because it's a very sluggishly moving piece, and the way it stands right now is uninteresting.

What I would like to see:

1] Character interaction.

2] Setting + background story, perhaps through their surroundings. You have to get your characters to do the dirty work for you. Photographs, if they exist in their world; letters; diaries; newspapers; the view outside and messengers--these could be your instruments. Less introspection and more characterspection.

3] I understand that you've wanted to show us a contrast of the way things are, and this is, basically, running on the key point of how 'all kings pen'. I do think, though, that you could make this more interesting. What you need, at this point, is a spark. I'd also advise against using too much of technical jargon, unless you want to explain it through dialogue or thoughts or something, because it could put a lot of readers off.

What I liked about this was the fact that you're very strongly established in your world; I also think your writing style could be enticing, were it not for the fact that the dramatic element of the piece is downplayed by the monotonous rambling. I'd like to see more of this, if you ever re-write, and I think this could make for a potentially interesting novel, if you were to work on it.

I hope this helped~ PM me if you need anything! c:

Cheers,

~Pomp



the day belongs to expectations but the night belongs to me
— canopy