Hey Emma ^^ Shina here for a review 
Hope you're having fun in Wales xD Sorry I keep PMing you when you should be enjoying that vacation of yours. O_O Yeah, grabbing hold of barbed wire isn't the best thing to do, but I guess once the scar heals you'll have a strangely interesting memory 
Here, have a glass of grape soda 
while I you wait for this review...
I. Nitpicks
A lone balloon floats high in the [s]bright[/s] sky.
I really don't have much to say about this hook, Emma ^^ I've never seen a story begin with a balloon flying in the sky. It's interesting, it follows my 8th grade english teacher's W.A.D.I.W.I. (When. Action. Dialogue. Introduce a character/object. Where. Interesting comment) standards, and it makes the reader want to know more about the importance of this baloon. Perhaps there is some sort of symbollism. I really hope there is ^^ I love symbollism, which is really hard to do by force in writing.
"Bright" seems like a really tell-y word here, so I'd suggest scrapping it. Maybe replace with "morning" or "afternoon" depending on what time it is. It'll give the reader's an idea of daylight without telling them it's bright.
A simple shiny red balloon lost in the vast wash of royal blue.
Remember that it's better to say something big in a few words than to say something small with many. Your descriptions don't need to be sugarcoated with some of the unecessary additions you add. There's simplicity within these descriptions, and that's the charm of it ^^
You also need some commas on those descriptions. I'd also suggest that with some of your descriptions you compare what you're talking about to other objects:
"A simple, shiny red ballon lost in the wash of cornflower blue."
I forgot to mention, but royal blue is kind of a darker blue, so it'd probably make the readers assume it's nighttime. I'm not sure cornflower blue is what you're going for either, but you need to double check that shade
There is not a single cloud in sight – just the balloon happily floating into oblivion.
An em dash should be "--" and don't forget to not put spaces between the dashes and the words.
But is that not the way of life? Do we not all fly off unsure of where we are heading, yet aware that *this journey must come to an end at some point?
*this isn't the correct tense. I think changing it to "our" because it's plural and the journey is really shared by all of them ^^
The comparison between the balloon and the way of life is one I really enjoy. There's a moral to this little balloon story on its own, and I love stories with morals ^^ They're hard to find in present-day literature.
If the balloon had a conscious mind would it suddenly wake up and start screaming? I cannot do this on my own! You have no idea the dangers which lurk in this happy sky!
Exclamation points are only used in dialogue/thoughts when it comes to novels and stories.
You also need a comma.
The punctuation should either be:
If the balloon had a conscious mind, would it suddenly wake up and start screaming: I cannot do this on my own! You have no idea the dangers which lurk this *seemingly-happy sky!
*I added "seemingly" because I think the balloon is trying to say that it's just an appearance, that danger really lurks within.
Or:
If the balloon had a conscious mind, would it suddenly wake up and start screaming?
I cannot do this on my own! You have no idea the dangers which lurk this seemingly-happy sky!
But it is just a balloon.
xD Back to reality. The tone is really relaxed and simple. It's effortless to read, which means that the writer must've put a lot of effort into writing it
Good job, Emma. The quality of your writing was not overlooked.I sit alone on a park bench, watching as the children bounce by me clutching brightly coloured balloons.
This is a little confusing and it needs a bit of rearranging so it's easier to follow:
"I sit alone on a park bench, watching nearby children clutching their brightly coloured balloons, grins stretching across their faces."
The end part is totally optional, I just thought you might want to mention they were happy without saying "bouncing." I couldn't find a way to work that in there.
Splashes of green, blue, yellow and red knock against each other as they are dragged past me.
The "knocking against each other" is a really nice image for balloons.
However, the word "drag" creates images of them being pulled with much effort and more importantly, across a floor or surface. Balloons are light as feathers, and they fly, so they can't be on the ground unless they don't have helium xD
Maybe something like "yanked", which is usually what kids do with balloons. Perhpaps comparing the strings of the balloons to leashes? That's what kids think of them as, anyway xD
The children giggle with each other, their laughter happy and carefree.
You're repeating "happy" a lot, so maybe changing it to a different synonym:
"blithe" or "lighthearted" it would end up as:
"The children giggle with each other, their laughter lighthearted and carefree."
Couples trail them, walking hand-in-hand, enjoying the *feel of [s]the warm[/s] sun against their faces.
I feel like the word "behind" should be after "trail" because "trail" has many meanings.
*Feel should be "feeling"
And the crossed out part is redundant. Sun would be warm and you don't need "the" to address it.
I also enjoy *this sensation, but my love of the sun is overshadowed by the catastrophe of the night before.
*Should be "the" because "this" is really present tense.
I think you're going for that numb tone, so I won't say anything about lack of emotions just yet.
No. Do not think of that.
Italics so it's a thought
Her long brown hair is pulled up in a ponytail.
Comma after long unless "long" is describing "brown."
She is wearing *navvy shorts and a white and blue lycra top. Knee, elbow and shin pads are strapped protectively on. Her tanned skin is flawless and on her pretty face is a look of determination. She vanishes from sight within seconds.
*I think you mean "navy" as in the color
The punctuation on the second line needs a comma after "elbow".
I'd scrap the word "pretty" for the third sentence since you already get the idea she's pretty from the skin description.
None of these people could imagine the horrors of which I have seen. None of these people have the slightest suspicions as to what I am.
The way the narrator puts her past ever-so-plainly ruins kind of ruins the emotion for me. I feel she's summarizing her life and putting it into a few words. Either be more vague or give us more detail and emotion.
Also, I'd use a few conjunctions to help it flow
To them I am just another young woman resting on a bench. A strangely dressed young woman perhaps, but a young woman all the same.
Comma after "woman" and if you want, a semicolon instead of a period after "bench"
Perhaps these blissfully ignorant strangers are too caught up in their happiness to notice the curious air which surrounds me.
I'm getting the feeling you purposely have an numb tone for the MC, but just remember to be consistent with it ^^
I cannot lie and say this lack of attention insults me. I am quite content to watch these people as if I am observing from another world they cannot see.
The comparison to another world is a bit confusing. If it's another world, the strangers not being able to see it is implied. Perhaps invisibility is what you were looking for?
In a way I am.
Comma after "way"
My world cannot be glimpsed by these fainthearted souls – even I find it hard sometimes to bear these unimaginable horrors which hound me.
Glimpsed doesn't feel like the right word. Perhaps "fathomed" or "revealed to".
Em dash is -- with no spaces between the words and the dash.
You're being repetitive with the "unimaginable horror" thing, and it's beginning to lose its effect. If you want to be brief and numb, say it once, maybe twice, but never more. Find another way to say it or describe it or show us.
These unimaginable horrors find me even now. When I close my eyes they are there: ghastly images which taunt me as they dance before me. When my thoughts wander for even a few seconds they are there: eagerly reminding me of painful memories which I would prefer to remain buried in the depths of my mind.
You're halfway telling, halfway showing. Describe what the MC sees. Use some literary devices or compare it to something. If you're going to bring it up, foreshadow with an image.
A fire? Darkness? Loneliness?
I am in agony. Tortured by these apparitions which visit me again and again. I have endured all that I can and I can no longer bear anymore!
No exclamation points unless it's in dialogue.
The repitition of "I can" is confusing and makes me a little tongue-tied. Maybe:
"I have endured all that I can and will no longer bear it."
Still these recollections come to me.
Comma after still.
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And the nitpicks are stopping here. I'm not nitpicking your chapter one since you get the general idea of what you've missed hopefully xD
II. Emotion
The main problem I see here is the lack of emotion. You have wonderful imagery and description, but when it comes to the narrator's past and her feelings, you tell rather than show, and you put it plainly. When you write for her, put yourself in her shoes. Put your heart and soul into your characters. The breathing, the heart beating, the vein pulsing. Include it! Give us hints and pieces rather than repeating the word "horrid."
III. Imagery and Description
Imagery and description was lovely, especially in the beginning. However, like emotion, when it comes to your MC, its lacking. You don't compare her to a shadow or tell what she looks like. You don't talk about how the people look at her and you don't use imagery in any of her thoughts about the past nor is there any illustration from how she thinks about her life.
IV. Redundancy
Your character is repeating herself often. Only include what relevant and make your point the first time you say it so you won't have to repeat yourself. After repeating yourself, it loses the vague effect, the numb tone.
V. Overall
This was a really nice piece ^^ I didn't see the slaves coming into the story and it had a great hook. Just work on giving your MC emotions and on giving more imagery and foreshadowing through her thoughts, and of course, those random typos xD
Be careful with being cliche about the "horrors of the past" deal, because it's been done before. I think you've got some twists up your sleeves, though
<---- And here, a loaf of bread for having such a lovely read ^^
-Shina
Points: 4362
Reviews: 263
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