Published October 14, 2010
She stands there in the corner:
She weeps;
I hold in my hand,
A pen
It seeps ink onto this blank page
The page; like my life.
I try to concentrate.
The girl weeps:
Be quiet!
What?
Oh.
I apologize to the man
Sitting across from me
“I was not talking to you”
I retort, quick and stubborn are my words.
He looks puzzled
“There is no one else.”
Yes.
Yes she is right there,
The girl!
She keeps crying
I cannot work.
This is me
Or is this life?
This complicated orb
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Like a carousel
It
Makes
Me
Lose
Myself.
The voices,
They are driving me insane.
Leave me alone!
The girl talks:
“We are you, and you are us.”
That is all.
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Canary word: Present
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
It can be confusing with the breaks but I thought that it was amazing. I didn't mind the breaks because it was really good!
A very unique flow, but definetely an enjoyable piece. If you've accomplished what you wanted, I say well done!
That was really good, a very unique topic which makes it stand out all the more. The title ties in your line
Keep writing.
"The girl weeps:
Be quiet!
What?
Oh.I apologize to the man
Sitting across from me
“I was not talking to you!
I retort, quick and stubborn are my words.
He looks puzzled
“There is no one else.”
Yes.
Yes she is right there,
The girl!"
Overall you did a really good job and I really liked it.
~Dannielle~
hey thanks everyone for the comments, helps me a lot
this is the first time i have ever tried writing poetry in short lines so i wasn't too sure how it worked out!
My absolute favourite part of this, and this is a brilliant piece. I can relate to this more than I ought to, but I can.
It's unique, and it's stunning. I absolutely love this.
- GhostlyImpressions.
Over all, I get the message here. It told a story, but it was real and relateable to those who keep to themselves. In parts, some of your line breaks were in strange spots, where I thought it could all be one like in one complete thought. I understand that you want a choppy, almost confused skattered thought progression, but you achive that with out the certain breaks I pointed out. It also makes the poem too long, it would just be better without.
Also, where you talk about the orb and the round and round, I feel as if it almost throws off the story. You want to stick to narrative or dramatic, and stick with specific themes. The tone change threw myself as a reader off.
That's really good
I really like this poem. At first I just glanced over it thinking. 'Eech, long poem. Long day, can't be bothered to read.' but then I stopped and read the first bit which I actually thought was rather good. This led me to read the whole thing.
I think that this poem is really good, I like the emotion behind it.
However, I think it can still be improved. The main way that you could improve is making it slightly less... long. I like the short punchy lines, but it did scare me off at first and may scare others.
This is a really great start, keep writing!
~Crim
This poem is really good, though, like all writing, it can be improved. The first thing I noticed when reading this poem was the short lines. Someone once told me that if you have a short line in poetry it should have a reason to be short. Is each one word line have a reason to be stressed, to be noticed by the reader? Are these words really important. Another thing that person said to me is how can a sort line get the attention it needs if there are so many short lines next to it?
Instead of making me focus in on a word it just sounds choppy. This could easily be made in to one or two lines. Besides that I really like your poem. It is very original and works with a really cool concept.
A. S.