12+ Language Violence

Subjects

PreviousNext

I may as well introduce myself. My name is 501 officially but I call myself Blue. I'm a Subject, hence the odd name. Subjects on a whole don’t have their own names but hey I’m just that special. Here’s the first thing you need to know about us. We operate as a Unit. Those who defy their units become rouges and rouges are enemies. They are hunted and disposed of usually within hours of them fleeing their Units. Second thing you need to know, Subjects live of the blood of human beings, much like vampires (which don’t actually exist. Vampires derived from the legend of Subjects. As did many other supernatural beings.) if a Subject bites you your dead. We drain our victims dry. Third and final thing you need to know. We aren’t born we are made. We are artificial; some of the lore surrounding us says that a mad scientist created the first Subjects by accident. After killing the scientist the newly made Subjects used the equipment to make more and more until we were an army. The first Unit. If a Subject were to breed with a human the child would be stillborn. No crossbreeding between the Subjects and the humans has ever succeeded. Like vampires we are pretty much immortal. We are faster, stronger and more intelligent then human beings therefore making us the superior species. Humans are not aware of our existence. We are merely horror stories told to children. That bump in the night or the shadow you swear you saw behind you when walking home one night.

That’s why rouges are so dangerous. Sooner or later one of them is going to mess up and blow the whole operation wide open. Hundreds of years living in the shadows all ruined by some oily tonged rouge. That’s why it’s my job to hunt them down.

I smooth down my scruffy blonde hair, I notice that there are still patches of mud and dried blood from my last hunt. Oh well, that won't invite a lot of the other Subjects to talk to me. I've always preferred being on my own. Others slow me down, also theres the risk of coming to care for another Subject. In a world like ours you could die any day. If I have nobody or nothing to lose then I won't have to go through the pain that comes with loss.

Over the years a lot of Subjects have picked up meaningless habits from the humans like fixing or dying their hair in a certain way or wearing makeup excessively. It is told that Subjects are the echoes of perfection, we all look different but we all have the same orange colored eyes, no matter our skin tones they always seem to have a greyish tint to them. We have genders of course and some do find mates but it is impossible for us to breed, the one fatal flaw in our design.

It is 0900 hours when I am called to unit headquarters in the ballroom of the abandoned hotel we inhabit. Why we inhabit it I am not sure why but every once in a while some foolish human stumbles onto our grounds and it’s a free dinner for us then come more to find the one which originally went missing. The cycle continues for a while until the humans forget and everything goes back to normal.

“501.29!”

“Yes Leader!”

“We have a rouge from the Sky-town Unit heading into our territory, track this personnel down and dispose of them.”

“No objection sir but is that not the responsibility of Sky-towns Unit not ours?”

“Our territory our problem. If this rouge starts to rip the throats of humans out on our territory then we face a giant problem. Is that understood?”

“Yes Leader!”

I go out, I hunt, I find, I kill, I return, I sleep, I repeat. My days are like clockwork, everything so identical and precise that it’s almost terrifying.

After leaving the Base I follow a path that leads to one of Oasis Cities artificial forests. There are fresh footprints in the mud, I find the rouge fairly quickly after following the prints, only there isn’t one at all, there’s three of them they all look weak from lack of feeding, your Units Blood Hunters are normal responsible for food so when you go rogue you have to hunt for yourself. Crouching behind a rock I observe them, they are smiling, a pair of them are hugging while the third is on lookout I ready myself and take a breath, then suddenly I strike when they are of their guard. I snap the neck of the look out rouge like I was snapping a twig in half then rip the other ones throat out with hardly any effort, I hear the final rouge squeal. I can feel blood dripping down my hand and dribbling onto the floor. No. I whisper to myself. Feeding on another Subject is forbidden, its sick, its wrong! I think to myself. They why does it taste so damn good? I allow myself to lick some of the blood off my hands; it tastes perfect, cleaner than human blood and sweeter. What the Leaders don’t know won’t kill them. I let the remains of the rouges throat splat onto the ground, into a pile of decaying leaves.

The final rouge is a girl. She’s a runt, tiny and weak. I could break her apart; crush her bones in my hands. I run at her and panic fills her fiery eyes. She starts to beg for me to leave her alone, she said she would go back to her unit and that running away was all her boyfriends’ idea. I keep on running and outstretch my hand and grab her buy her straw blonde hair. With one swift tug her head is ripped clean off her shoulders and I am lightly sprayed with her sweet smelling blood. I throw her head onto the ground and make a pile of the bodies. After speaking the solemn words your supposed to speak when a Subject falls, even if it is a Rouge.

“Our greatest condolences" Yeah right.

I took out a match, lit it and dropped it on the pile of bodies. The only proper way to put down Subjects is set fire to them, otherwise there’s a chance that they’re not entirely dead. It’s hard to kill a Subject properly. We can fix bones and regrow limbs and organs. Setting fire to the seemingly dead is the only way to make sure they wont come back. Fire is one of our only weaknesses.

I return to base after the fire dies down and the corpses are blackened. I think about the sheer order of the unit. Everyone has his or her place and a job to do. I’m a Rogue Hunter, which is exactly as it sounds. I hunt down and deal with rogues. There are also Blood Hunters; they bring the food back to the Unit so we don’t always have to hunt for ourselves. The Leaders focus on the running of the Unit and making sure everything is in order. You have the Undercovers, they disguise themselves as humans to scope out what they are doing and if anything’s changing, they will also sometimes bring home food often using ‘unethical’ methods. The Creators make more Subjects and work on ways of improving us. Making us even closer to perfection. The Scholars, who teach new Subjects about the world and how to live so to avoid detection, then you have the Ordinary’s who work odd jobs around the Unit, cleaning, cooking. The jobs that nobody else wanted to do, they also provide the DNA needed to make new Subjects. They are also really the only ones who tend to find a partner, the rest of us are disinterested. When we are created we are taken to the Scholars and taught what we need to know, then we are given a job based on out skills determining our lives in the Unit. The Ordinary’s lives are the most…well ordinary. See the thing that is often fundamental when creating new Subjects is the DNA of two others, most effectively a man and a woman. The first Subjects created were made with the scraps of test DNA. The Ordinary’s are often split into couple’s early on. The Ordinary couples are then chosen to “parent” new subjects.

When it comes to me there’s nothing much to tell, I’m a new creation. Not one of the originals like some of the Subjects here. I was appointed as a Rouge Hunter because I had uncanny strength and speed, even for a Subject. My DNA links (or “parents” if you can even call them that) went Rouge a long time ago when the Subject who was supposed to be my sister was born tainted meaning she had to be put down. I understood that but they didn’t. I was the one who had to hunt them as part of my training. They stuck together until the end. Clinging to each other as I watched the blood run down there foreheads, begging me to let them run, that they were my parents. I spat at them and said “Your not my parents, I’m a lab experiment. You will never be my parents. You gave that up when you betrayed our Unit. Your not worthy of the breath you draw,” and I smashed my fists down onto their skulls, feeling the impact and the cracking of the skulls and their bodies slump to the floor. My first Rouge kill and it felt so good.

I walked down to the creator labs to find a package waiting for me I picked it up and slipped it into my pocket. Avoiding eye contact I cross the room and slip into a bathroom. Empty, thank god! I rip open the packet to find a syringe with an amber colluder liquid inside it. Without a moments hesitation I stick the needle into my arm and watch the amber liquid disappear from the syringe. I look in the mirror. My orange eyes stare back at me, glowing fiercely. I breath a quick sigh of relief 

I go back to the section of the hotel that is designated for Rouge Hunters. It always smells of burning wood and blood. The Rouge Hunters mostly keep to themselves. Only the Ordinary’s talk to each other. I’m minding my own business when another Subject, an Ordinary taps me on the shoulder.

“Hey”

“What do you want 369?”

“Jeez why you gotta be like that? I was just gonna ask if you wanted to go on a blood run tonight down by Oasis City?”

“I’m fine.”

369 looked at me nervously “Listen I’m gonna level with you. I told my friends I’d get the famous “Blue” to come along tonight.”

“Shut up asshole! A leader could hear you. We’re not supposed to use our own names”

“Whatever, please do me a solid and come along. I’m begging ya!”

“Fine, what time do we leave?”

“Nightfall, meet us outside the main entrance.”

“Yes.” I grunted. Wonderful, a hunting trip. Once you become somewhat recognized as a good enough Subject you aloud to go on hunts with a pack from your Unit or alone. I dislike them. The others slow me down and if you get caught its lights out. If you’re a risk to your Unit you get put down, just like if you were Rouge. I decide to rest my eyes just for a few minutes; I’m going to need my strength for this hunt.

I’m woken up by the sound of night crows squawking outside. Its nightfall, shit. Leisure hunts are tedious especially when they’re with a bunch of low rate newbies, like the Ordinary who invited me. I’m not saying I’m the perfect Subject. I’m not even a Leader but I prefer to be left alone. It’s just me, since I was made. One of the Leaders once told me I was made to be an Undercover (the only job which you are made for, not which you are placed in), and Undercovers are given personality traits so they blend in with humans more. I guess maybe I’m a bit more human then I think.

I pull on a pair of hard leather hunting boots and my dirty red jacket. All Subjects tend to sport the color red, some joke that its so that blood blends into our clothes. I guess that will be useful tonight, if we even find ourselves some good game. I walk outside and see the other Subjects waiting, all clad in hunting gear.

“Ah well if it isn’t Mr Bigshot?” One of the Subjects sneered

“Take it easy 679, that guy could rip your throat out.” Another one said.

I laughed, was this a complete joke?
“See I told ya I could get him here! Now can I go hunting with you guys?” the Subject that invited me gloated.

“Shut up 369. No you can’t, we aint got no room for pussys on our hunting squad. Go back to where you came from Ordinary.” 679 spat

“Yeah Ordinary.”
“Get lost.”

Ordinary, ordinary, ordinary!” They all mocked

I raised a hand “Shut up! If you want me to come 369 comes. Understood?”

The Subject that had crossed me earlier, 679 began to walk towards me, threat in every step he took. The others held him back and nodded at me.

“I’m glad we’ve found an understanding.” I said, making sure I sound a little bit threatening.

369 looked at me gratefully and we set off towards Oasis City. Game there was good. Because it was so populated if a couple of Humans went missing hardly anyone would notice. I mainly kept to myself, answering the odd question here and there; the Subjects didn’t have many questions. That’s the thing about us; we mostly know everything about each other from the first glance. Call it perception but it’s not hard to figure out if someone’s a newbie or a not so newbie from the way they are made. Newbies tend to have more striking features as if the Creators have begun to experiment. What job they have. Both classes of hunters tend to dress in a certain way and patches of their red clothing were darker then the rest of it. They are faster and stronger than other Subjects. Undercovers are sneaky and they lie like old rugs. They always know what they want and always intend to get it. Scholars are wise, in the way they talk and walk. Its like they are constantly analyzing everything and are aware of their surroundings. Creators always look scruffy; they have an undeniable spark in their orange eyes. Ordinarys are plain. No wise looks, no drive to get what they want, no spark, no speed or strength just plainly dressed and much fresher faced. They look more innocent and uncorrupted then the rest of us.

When we finally arrived in Oasis City we all split off into pairs. 679 decided that it would mean more kills. I decided to stick with 369 who’s face lit up for the first time the entire evening, We decided to take the back alleyways, the darkness would cloak us well.

“Hey listen, thanks for standing up for me back there, I really appreciate it.”

“Shhh, we’re on a hunt.” I snap.

I could feel 369’s grin boring into me through the dark when I heard the click of high heels on the smooth stone pavement. A smile stretched across my face, I was starving. I manage to get a glimpse of the targets face, a women in her early 20’s. Looked like she was in a hurry to get somewhere. I signal 369 to tell him I would make the first move but he didn’t seem to be paying much attention. I readied my self and sprinted towards her, hardly making any sound. Rain began to pour down splatting on the stone. With one swift kick to the midriff I knocked her to the ground. She lay on the floor gasping for breath as I kneel over her.

“I promise this wont hurt to much.” I whisper to her, still smiling.

“Please..” She choked, her tears mixing with the rain that soaked her.

I grabbed her face, ready to snap her neck and feel the life drain from her. I was ready to feed.

“Shit, No!” 369 screamed, as he tried to tackle me.

“What the hell is your problem?” I shouted, I easily dodged his tackle

“Not her! Anyone but her!” He said, a tone of begging in his voice.

“Scott?” The women mumbled, my grip still strong on her face.

“Dipshit Ordinary…” I mumbled as I quickly turned the women’s head to one side, hearing the satisfying crack of her neck while doing so.

“Natalia! Fuck why did ya do that?” Said 369 as he knelt down beside the dead girl.

“She was prey, so what?”

“You’re an animal.” He spat

“Don’t tell me…you knew her,”

369 was dead silent

“You were seeing her?” I couldn’t believe this…traitor.

He let out a quiet choking sound

“Wait you were in love with her?” I said, feeling sick to my stomach. A Subject and a human could never love each other. It was disgusting; the humans were imperfect, flawed in every possible way.

369 was silent, he brushed the damp mess of hair out of her eyes and held her, just staring at her peaceful face.

“For fucks sake man. She’s FOOD. That’s all any of them are. Kills that you make for their blood.”

“Not her.” He whispered, “She knew what I was and she didn’t judge me. She wasn’t like the others.”

“You told her?” I hissed

“Yeah…but”

There was a loud clattering noise. I darted around to see 679 smiling wildly at me. He was listening.

“We have to go.” I said as I slung the woman’s dead body of my shoulder so it hung limply. 369 nodded silently and we ran back to Unit Base as fast as we could. When we finally got there, 679 had already beaten us and the Leaders were there to greet us as well.

“Subject 369. You have been found guilty of breaking one of the most fundamental rules of this Unit reveling your species to a human then engaging with it. I’m afraid as a faulty and flawed Subject we will have to put you down. Our greatest condolences.”

I looked at Subject 369, he was terrified the poor bastard. He couldn’t stop shaking and the red tears that Subjects rarely shed flowed down his face. I wanted to protect him and I didn’t fear death like he did. Slowly I placed the dead women on the floor and stepped forward.

“I was the one fraternizing with the human.”

Silence fell across the room. 369 and 679 both looked at me in disbelief.

“What is the meaning of this? Subject 501, are you admitting to betraying your Unit?”

“Yes” I say.

“You admit to engaging with a human?”

“Yes”

“And you admit to revealing your Subject identity thereby putting our entire species at risk?”

“Yes”

“Then Subject 501, I sentence you to extermination by fire. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Then take him away. Our greatest condolences”

As they drag me off to the execution cells I looked back, 369 looked at me as if he was unable to speak, his orange eyes spoke words of sorrow. Meanwhile 679 smirked at me. I could feel his strange hatred stabbing me like a knife.

The cell was completely bare. I was locked in a grey box with no way out. When I was in training I learnt about this human illusionist who could escape from anything. I would give anything to be him. Execution by fire, that’s the worst way to go. There’s no way to escape it. There is a timer somewhere on the other side of these walls and when that timer hits 0 the cell will be ablaze. I will burn slowly and painfully until I am reduced to ashes. I sat in on the hard stone floor, waiting to die. After a while I succumb to sleep, knowing I probably wont wake up. I dream of an endless green field like the ones I’ve seen in the pictures that were taken before the 3rd industrial revolution. The sky was blue instead of grey. Fluffy white clouds floated above and I sank back dreamily into the emerald green grass. Then all of a sudden there was a flicker of orange in the distance. Black smoke began to cover up the blue and the grass wilted away. Then suddenly everything went black. The shrill sound of screams filled my head I could hear people begging and crying, the sounds of throats being cut. It wouldn’t stop. Then through the darkness I could have sworn I saw a pair of glowing orange eyes staring right into mine.

I woke up to someone clad in black standing over me. I was still in my cell but now I could see the countdown to my death projected on the wall. It was frozen at 00:01.
“Blue, get up!” Said the figure, panic in his raspy voice

“Who are you?” I said as I got up, my brain was pounding inside my skull.

“I'm a friend, that’s all you need to know, Blue.”

“Why are you calling me that?”

“What, Blue? Its your name isn’t it?”

I shifted uncomfortably. My name was mine; hardly anybody called me Blue. After years of seeing humans have names that were more than numbers made me want one. I call myself Blue because I was created with a flaw. I had blue eyes instead of orange ones. They were about to put me down because I looked different but my creator made a formula to turn my blue eyes orange. I have to go back to him every other month for an injection of the formula to keep my eyes orange and the Creators and Leaders happy. But once I was on a hunt for a very long time, about 4 months. My eyes turned blue again and it helped me disguise myself so I no longer looked like a subject. The others on my hunting squad called me Blue from then on. It was years ago and the name kind of died with them. But I still use it. I had never told anyone that. It was my own little secret.

I swallowed “Yes”

“Good.” The figure said.

I felt my eyes drooping shut and I slipped back into unconsciousness.

I had no idea how much time had passed. Maybe hours, maybe days. My head hurt, I was bleeding. The worst part was that I had no idea where I was. I wasn’t in my cell anymore in fact I was nowhere near the base, or Oasis City for that matter. I was somewhere I had never been before, which was rare for a Rouge Hunter. I thought I had been everywhere, seen everything. I was made with every location I’d ever need programed into my head. I had no idea what to do, and I always knew what to do. I was lost and for the first time I was uncertain. I think I was afraid. Subjects didn’t show fear. I noticed a broken shard of what was probably once a mirror lying next to me. I picked it up and looked into it trying to examine how bad the cuts on my head were. What I didn’t expect was to see deep blue eyes staring back at me instead of orange ones. My shaggy blond hair had been cut short and dyed black. I looked down, I was dressed in a grey jumpsuit and a bracelet was fastened around my wrist. It had my Subject number engraved into it, when I tried to pull it of it tightened around my wrist more. I stood up and looked around, the land was barren. No buildings, no trains, no people. The only thing I was certain of is that I wasn’t a Subject anymore, I was Rouge. I was a menace, I was a threat and I was being hunted.

Where I was I didn’t know, why I was there I didn’t know and who else was with me I didn’t know. All I could pay attention to was a piercing voice singing the same sentence over and over in my head each time getting louder. 

“Run little rouge, run for your life and don’t look back.”

So I ran, my eyes fixed firmly in front of me, the wind beating at my back. 

Have you ever felt like you’re not truly yourself? You look like yourself and sound like yourself but something inside isn’t quite right. Well for the first time I began to question. Why was it that I never left my Units territory or Oasis City for that matter? Why did I blindly follow my leaders? Why did I think it was okay to kill those who had done no wrong? I played creator and I was so damn foolish to think for all those years that I was actually making a difference. So now for the first time, I feel free. Nobody is watching me anymore. For the moment I run, but soon I will find a city so far from my Base the Rogue Hunters will never even find me. I will be normal, or at least as normal as I can be.

Then it hits me. I’m hungry. I have to feed. Shit.

Blood, I need it. Oh god I need it so bad.

My stomach was screaming and my throat burning. This was what true hunger felt like. I no longer had Hunters to bring me food or a Unit to stand by. That’s when I saw it. The elegant fawn drinking from a murky black lake. Animal blood? It had honestly come to this hadn’t it? I creep up behind the fawn silently. Then with one swift kick its skull caves in and beautiful red blood pours from the fracture. I drop to my knees and drain the fawn dry. Savoring every drop of blood that touches my tongue. I feel my heart begin to beat faster again. I feel more like myself. I continue to run in the same direction, this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I know exactly where I'm going even though I have no bloody idea where I am.

I got lucky finding that fawn. Wild animals are scarce nowadays, what with all the pollution. I learned in my training that the sky was once blue instead of black and instead of grey mist swirling around everywhere the air was clean. It must have been beautiful…. beautiful. I have never called anything beautiful in my life unless I'm talking about food. In fact I had never heard the word beautiful either. And since when did I care about what the world once looked like? It was chaos back then, people used to kill each other everyday, disease would wipe out millions. A world with Subjects is a better world. We created the peace. We make the cures for their disease. We also destroyed the world and stomped on its ashes. No! No we didn’t! Yes we did, don’t lie, Blue. Arrgh! The two sides of the argument pounded against my skull. Subjects created and Subjects destroyed. Subjects give life and Subjects rip it away. Subjects are merciful to the weaker species. Subjects have no pity. Subjects are Perfect…Per..Pe..P. Subjects are without remorse. Without remorse…Subjects are e…e…evil.

That is the last thing I remember thinking before my mind was plunged into darkness and the world faded to black.

I awoke….I don’t know when I awoke. My mind was ringing with random thoughts like my brain had been shattered into glass fragments. I couldn’t put them back together. I couldn’t even fathom a single thought. I couldn’t speak. All I could do was stare up…at a ceiling. I was inside. I wanted to get up but I was fasted down to a table and I was…. hungry. Wildly I began to thrash, trying to free myself and after a short while I did, only to take one step off the table and fall into a heap on the floor. After looking up I saw a..a…door. I crawled towards it. I opened it and looked outside, slowly beginning to get up. Only to see a girl, with electric blue eyes and a grey jumpsuit like mine. I sank back to the floor and lay there by the blue-eyed girls feet.

When I opened my eyes I was back where I started. Staring up at the cold grey ceiling. Only this time I was in a bed and I was thinking clearly again. That didn’t change the fact that I had no idea where I was and I was starving. I could hardly think about anything else. I could hear the heartbeat of every single person in the building and I could hear the blood rushing through his or her veins. I could feel my jumpsuit clinging to my sweaty body. I got up and unzipped it, while scoping the room. I was whitewashed. No windows and a door, which was locked. There was a bed pressed up against one wall and a table and chair pressed up against the other. The walls were totally bare and the entire room was white and grey. I did notice one thing. Beneath the thin layer of paint there were tally marks. A lot of them. I wondered how long I would have to stay here. Well, before my body shuts down from lack of food. That was when the piercing voice once again entered my head.

“Welcome Code name: Blue.”

“Where am I?” I shouted, trying to keep the panic out of my voice

“You are where you belong Blue.”

“I belong with my Unit!” I lied

“Then why did you run from it, if you had run back they would have accepted you Blue. You chose the path we chose for you. As you have always done.”

“I think for myself. I make my own decisions and I accept the consequences.”

“No, we think for you Blue. Your mind belongs to us; every Subjects mind belongs to their Creator.”

“You’re my Creator?”

“All these things you will learn in due time. For now we will release you from your bunker. However if you attempt to misbehave we will have no choice but to lock you back in your bunker. I’m sure you noticed the tally marks on the walls. We had the courtesy to completely cover the ones painted on with blood. Some really do get desperate when their pens run out, don’t they?”

After the voice ceased in my head the door of my bunker flung open and a hive of activity reveled itself. It was like a small city. I walked out onto a balcony that overlooked all of it. It was like a small version of Oasis City. But the air was clean and lights were bright. The only thing strange was that every single resident of this city wore the same grey jumpsuit and they all had enchanting blue eyes that you could drown in. Just. Like. Mine. But these people, they weren’t human. That much I can tell. They were Subjects, or at least they used to be. They were perfect in every move they made. They didn’t walk they glided. Their faces harsh, cold and unforgiving.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I spun around. Before me I saw a women, her icy eyes were boring into me. She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me along the balcony, her grip like a vice. Finally we got to the edge of the balcony where a tram was waiting, as soon as the other passengers saw this woman they scurried off the tram leaving the two of us alone. She instructed me to sit down then shut the doors and typed something into the destination keypad.

She stood facing out the window “Why did you help that Ordinary, Blue?” The woman whispered

“Because it was the right thing to do!” I lied; the truth is I don’t know why I helped him. Its like my mind was making me. Why did I choose to die for that dipshit Ordinary?

“Don’t lie to me. What really happened?”

“I'm not lying!” I insisted
“Tell me the truth before I flash fry your insides.” She said, her tone calm but deadly.

“I…I”

“I’ll keep your eyes though, add them to my collection...” She mused

“I don’t know!” I shouted, “I just did, I found myself feeling pity then one thing lead to another and I took his punishment.”

“Yes,” the woman grinned, “Yes you did my dear.”

I listened to her.

“The truth is, you didn’t make that choice; in fact hardly any of the choices you made that night were yours. We decided that you would go hunting; we decided that you would stick up for the ordinary and we also decided that you would take the fall for his crimes. If you ever for one second believed that there is a sliver of good in you, you are surely mistaken. You belong to us, Blue. Your mind is ours.”
I stood there. Dumbstruck. I had been controlled. Like a puppet. Told who to kill and what to do.
“You bitch!” I screamed and pinned the women against the wall. She did not struggle, she only chuckled.
“Oh dear, oh dear. You are uncooperative. I suppose there will be no convincing you. Time for Plan B.
With one swift kick the woman winded me, knocking me to the ground. She grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her.

“Blue you will listen to me.”
I struggled
“You will follow all orders”

I felt my strength draining
“You will play your part like a good little pawn.”
My eyelids were drooping
“You will not resist.”
I couldn't open my eyes
“You will obey me.”
I felt the world slipping away from me, 

"You are my little creation"

the woman’s icy voice was the last thing I heard as I fell into the dark.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Mea
Comment

Sorry about that, it double-posted for some reason.

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Wed Nov 12, 2014 8:34 pm

So, first of all, I like your premise. It's an interesting take on vampires, and you've definitely got a good start.

A few issues:

1. Exposition. You have 7-8 long paragraphs of exposition in there. While your ideas are very interesting and complex, that much exposition can be boring to read, because readers have nothing to relate it to at the moment. Most of your exposition has little to do with the present moment, and because of that it is all too easy to forget everything you said. Also, in general, big paragraphs of exposition only work if your narrator narrates unusually. If the narrator is just straightforwardly addressing the reader, it will get boring quickly. There are ways it can work, though. Perhaps they are very sarcastic - that adds some spice to it. Also, if, say, your character was relating the story to someone in particular, dropping hints about who he is talking to makes it more interesting.

In general, however, the best way to avoid exposition boredom is to use as few paragraphs of exposition as possible, and to spread them out.

Generally, it is a good idea to only give the exposition needed to understand what is happening right then. Also, you never want to stop the action to give an explanation.
One example of this that I'm going to pick on is your explanation of Blue's eyes. When the person who saves Blue calls him by his name, you stop a very tense scene to explain the significance of that. Furthermore, up above you said that Blue picked it because he liked it, not implying that there was any special significance to it. This can be quite confusing to readers, who thought you had already explained it up above.

One way you could integrate this more smoothly (and really, all exposition) is by having a short scene where you introduce the element that needs to be explained and having the main character directly interact with it. This also makes it a lot easier to remember. In this case, you could include a short scene where Blue stops by to pick up the "orange-eye" formula. This way the relevant exposition will not happen during a time of great suspense, and the readers have something to apply it to at that moment. Then, all you would need in the rescue scene is a couple of sentences along the lines of "How did he know my name? Could he know about my eyes?"


2. This is relatively easy to fix, but you really need more description. When Blue tracked down that group of rouges, I had no idea where he was until about halfway through the fight scene, when his snapping a twig made me assume he was in a forest. Also, I didn't realize that he was actively hiding himself until he started attacking them. Plus, the fight scene, by word count, was shorter than the exposition.


Other than that, this was really good, a very snappy start. I find it very interesting how Blue is perfectly willing to kill humans, but gives himself up for that Ordinary. It's especially interesting because it seems that Ordinaries are beneath his station, so it's not that Blue is cruel or antipathetic.

User avatar
JensenAcklesFan Comment

This is amazing, lovely, and quite extraordinary. Yes, fiction topics like this are very popular, but this is a very fine piece. You really should continue working, you are excellent at writing, and I think a sequel is in order! Keep up the good work!

User avatar
Shadowolf765
Review

Shadowolf here :D

Lovely story, really drew me in and i find that I enjoyed it very much. A few suggestions for you though.

"Once you become somewhat recognized as a good enough Subject you aloud"

Simply change to "Once you become somewhat recognized as a good enough Subject you're aloud"

The character you have developed, Blue, confuses me slightly. He seems like a killer but takes the blame for 369 for fraternizing with a human. As well as standing up for him when they mocked him. This is not necessarily a bad thing, I'm simply saying that maybe pull back on the heartlessness in him if your going to be having him doing acts of kindness with little or no reason behind it. I could have also missed something while reading (Quite a bit tired i am) so do be hesitant to tell me if i did.

Other than those things, I thoroughly enjoyed this and hope you continue writing :D



Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr