Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Romantic


Death At Love's Sight (P.G Rating)

by Emma


"Lisa, wake up now!" Shouted her mum,

She rolled out of bed, her eyes sore and throbbing. She looked into the dirty mirror by her bed. Her oily hair had become static, even if she tried brushing it down. The bags under her dirty green eyes looked like large black and blue brusies. She sighed, knowing that she would never be beautiful and never to have a boyfriend.

She had a quick shower. The water falling down onto her dirty skin, her tight body became relaxed. The warmth of the water soothed her. After her shower she got changed into her filthy school clothes. She let her wet hair drip onto her clothes, the clothes sticking to her feeble body. She went into the grimy kitchen, nothing was clean. The house smelled of poo and was infested by beetles, living under the rusted floorboards. She grabbed a dirty bowl from the large piles of dishes in the sink and gave it a quick rinse. She took the box of 'Flakeys' and poured the cereal into it. The milk had been off for five days and she didn't even dare to drink from it.

After eating her cereal dry she grabbed her bag and ran out of the door. She couldn't be bothered to say good bye to her mum. She hated her guts. There was no-one else to blame for the mess. Lisa's room was spotless (apart from the dust) compared to the rest of the house. Her mum cared more about drugs and her fags than the cleaning.

She quickly walked down the busy street. Her eyes contacted with the floor. Her mind juggling with questions and answers. Will mum keep the house clean? No. Will I meet my lover? No. Without looking where she was going, she bumped into a warm, soft body. She looked up into his chocolate brown eyes, he looked into hers. She felt the butterflies in her stomach fly away into the sky. Her heart beating loudly. Love at first sight.

"Oh, erm.. sorry." He mumbled,

His voice was dark and dreamy. It was like a dream come true for Lisa. She suddenly paniced, what if she didn't know what to say? What if she said the wrong things?

"Its okay. It was my fault." She answered,

He gave a smile, her heart melted. He also had never fallen in love. None of the girls fancied him. They thought he was a monster. He had been suspended for fighting with a girl, he had to go to a new school. At least it was a new start, he thought.

"Hey, how about we talk over this little bump after school at the coffee shop." He smiled,

Lisa blushed, she was flattered. Someone like him, asking a girl like her to go on a date?! She nodded and they walked together into the local school.

The classes went past her as fast as lighting. All that stuck in her mind was the boy she met. When the bell rang she ran out of her class and into the coffee shop at the other end of town. When she got in she found him sitting at the table already, his face covered by his dreamy smile.

"How did you get her so fast?" She panted,

He gave a grin and sucked in some air, without thinking he told the truth.

"I dogded the last period." He answered,

Lisa became unsure. Though she didn't want to miss this chance of ever seeing another boy. She nodded and then sat down next to him. Their eyes met for a second time. He smiled and lent his head in closer. They lips locked together. She suddenly moved away, stars shinning in her eyes.

"I don't know your name." She stuttered,

"My name's Callum." He answered,

Once again the dreamy smile grew on his face. He took her hand and kissed her once more. Their tounges met. Hearts surrounded them as they kissed each other. Nothing in the world mattered apart from their lover. Even though Lisa hardly knew him, she felt it was like destiny to kiss him. It was like they had known each other for years. The lovers stopped kissing and went outside. Into the woods.

"Do you have any money?" He asked, his voice tender.

She nodded,

"Yes, ten pounds, though its for my gran's birthday." She answered,

Tomorrow was her gran's 50th birthday, she was so excited. They were going to have a big party and she was the host. Lisa's gran didn't invite her mum. Even if it was her daughter. Lisa's gran disliked the fact that her daughter took drugs. She had tried taking Lisa away, but it never worked out. It mostly filled her gran up with such anger. She could kill her self from the stress she was given.

Callum grabbed Lisa's arms. She thought it was another kiss coming on, she looked into his eyes. They were no longer filled with love. She became confused, she couldn't find the kindess which was once there. He slaped her hard, it turned into a shade of pink. She tried to move back but his grasp was strong. Panic had struck her. She had fallen into a trap, she thought he loved her. He just wanted to use her. he let go of one of Lisa's arms and went into his pocket. She looked at his hand to find a small knife. Her eyes became larger, her breaths became stronger and quicker.

"W-w-what are y-you goin-ng to do w-with that?" She whispered,

"I don't know yet, it depends." He sneered,

She was stuck, there was no way out. She tried to scream, but he covered her mouth. He grabbed her hair and pulled her into some near by bushes. What was going to happen? She had no idea. Her screams were muffled. He swiflty moved the knife to her chest. And slashed it. Her jumper and t-shirt ripped, blood poured down from her shaking body. She gasped, air rushed into her longs, she choked.

"Shut up!" He screamed,

He got the knife and dug it into her cut. Right to where her heart was. She let out a cry and fell to the ground. Her chest stopped moving, her lips became cold, her eyes went empty. Callum took a step back. What had he done?! He had been cursed, he was going to get caught. He had destroyed someone's life. He took the money from her pocket and fled, no one must know.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 2374
Reviews: 118

Donate
Sat May 03, 2008 5:54 pm
myfreindsavamp wrote a review...



Ok if I wrote the story it would have gone a litle slower with more depth. Like instead of the girl just of no where kissing him (witch by the way is kinda out of no where) I would have the suspence of them leaning in and thinking thoughts like ' What am I doing? I don't even know his name!'




User avatar


Points: 890
Reviews: 3

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:19 pm
Rock Chick says...



hey Emma. Ur 1 of my best mates and everything, but i have seen you write better. Come on Emma. U can do better. I was Really let down with this, cos it didnt make me feel any emotion at all. Sorry hun. xx




User avatar
148 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 148

Donate
Tue Mar 15, 2005 2:18 am
ohhewwo wrote a review...



Yeah, the story was pretty rushed and inconsistant. The bassis was pretty cool, but, you know, I just didn't ... you know, feel it ... I think it needs some work. Maybe you'll come back to it in a couple of years (or some shorter or longer amount of time), and make it more fitting to what you want it to be.




Random avatar

Points: 1212
Reviews: 241

Donate
Sat Feb 26, 2005 5:17 pm
Harley wrote a review...



He took the money from her pocket and fled, no one must know.


I've always thought that the last line is the most important in a book, and I don't think yours has done your story justice. Maybe it would be better as "He took the money from her pocket and stared at it. Ten pounds. Ten measly pounds. That's what her life was worth. He breathed a long guilty sigh and shoved it into his pocket, then fled. No one must know he thought, No one will ever know."

Don't let me write the ending for you, though!!! :roll: Make your own up :) You said he was feeling guilty, so try to explain this a little more. How would YOU feel if you had just killed someone for a tenner? This is a really greatbasis for a story, Emz.

I guess if you had developed it more--extended your story over a period of days, I would have enjoyed it much, much more.


I totally agree with Shriek here. Why don't you edit it on your computer? Turn it into a piece of work to be truly proud of! Just remember that these are constructive critz. We're here to help! :wink:




User avatar
196 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 196

Donate
Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:40 pm
View Likes
Shriek wrote a review...



I started off really liking the beginning--I'm a sucker for descriptive writing, and you wrote it quite well considering your age. After that, however, the story moved too quickly for my taste. Was it realistic for her to move from thinking she could never be loved to getting a date to being murdered by her date--in the woods of all places? I guess if you had developed it more--extended your story over a period of days, I would have enjoyed it much, much more.

Please don't be discouraged by these comments. I can see that you have potential, and you'll only continue to get better as time goes by. :)




User avatar


Points: 890
Reviews: 4

Donate
Thu Feb 10, 2005 9:36 pm
Nvrmnd says...



Hehhe me likes ^.^




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:29 pm
View Likes
Emma says...



Okay, sorry.

Maybe some of it IS hard to understand. And anyway I was only joking around. Thats just my style of writing. Oh well thanx for reading it!




User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 49

Donate
Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:06 pm
View Likes
dreaming_mouse says...



Emma don't flame me for this but we're trying to help you out by giving you constructive crit and you seem to take it the wrong way and seem to have ago at us. We did read it properly, if things are unclear to the reader then the author should take this into account and go back through their work - not have a go at the person who's read it. Afterall we didn't have to take the time to read it or give you crit.




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Sat Jan 29, 2005 3:03 pm
Emma says...



???? :? ?????




User avatar
915 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 915

Donate
Sat Jan 29, 2005 1:48 pm
Incandescence says...



Take this as you will, but this reflected, and did so quite well, the fact that you are 13.




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Sat Jan 29, 2005 9:48 am
Emma says...



Look:

Lisa's room was spotless (apart from the dust) compared to the rest of the house.


See? I really think you should really read my story properly before you write harsh comments. Mawahahaha. I like that word. You didnt read it, you.... Hey! You were ment to read it.... (Goes in a sulk)




User avatar


Points: 890
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sat Jan 29, 2005 2:47 am
MinnesotaGurl1 says...



But you said that she rolled out of bed and looked in her DIRTY mirror. wouldn't that imply that her room isn't that clean?




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Fri Jan 28, 2005 10:00 pm
Emma says...



Thanx. Oh yer and Callum was only acting to be nice. Maybe I SHOULD of added more detail. And I know someone who doesnt keep their self clean but they keep the room clean so THERE Mawahahahaha!

And it did describe why she kissed him. Yew should actullat read it properly. Or maybe I wrote it in my mind and forgot to type it down. Oh well.




User avatar
1258 Reviews


Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Donate
Fri Jan 28, 2005 9:51 pm
Sam wrote a review...



My only critique would be that at the beginning, she says she's way too wierd to ever have a boyfriend. It sounds kind of cheesy, especially when they kiss without even knowing each others names. :D Just two things I noticed.




User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 49

Donate
Fri Jan 28, 2005 9:41 pm
dreaming_mouse wrote a review...



I think this could be a really good story but it does need quite a bit of development. You need to put in some more detail like what are the characters feeling? What's the motives for their actions? For example why did Callum suddenly stab her? That seemed a bit too rushed for my liking, anyway here's my crit:

She had a quick shower. The water falling down onto her dirty skin

How often does she shower? Because you've made her sound like a person who likes thing clean - you say later on that her room is the cleanest. If that's the case wouldn't she shower often so her skin wouldn't be dirty and her hair wouldn't be greasy? It seemed a bit odd that she would keep her room clean but not her clothes or herself, is there a reason for that?

Her eyes contacted with the floor.

I'm not sure if contacted is one of the best choice of words, I didn't get the impression of looking for some reason, maybe if you used something like "She kept her eyes facing down towards the ground" or something like that.

She felt the butterflies in her stomach fly away into the sky. Her heart beating loudly. Love at first sight.

Is this a key event in your story? Because if it is maybe you should add more to your description and show the reader what she's feeling not tell us. For example something like "The butterflies in her stomach flew away in a flurry" or something.

They thought he was a monster. He had been suspended for fighting with a girl, he had to go to a new school.

Would people really think he's a monster? Okay if he was just beating her up, but if she started it or something like that then shouldn't he be able to fight back? Also would you really leave school because of that?

I've already said about the bit where he goes from tender to violent but I think maybe you should think about revising that paragraph completly? I think you could make that so much more tense, it looks like you rushed it a bit and I didn't really feel anything for her when she got stabbed. I know it sounds horrible (and I'm really, really sorry) but I didn't feel anything for her and I couldn't care if she had died or not.

Your story shows that you do have a lot of talent but you need to add more emotion and detail so the reader can get connected to the characters otherwise they just won't care for them. I'm sorry if I was too harsh :oops:




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 1160

Donate
Fri Jan 28, 2005 8:34 pm
Elizabeth says...



MURDERER AHH!!! I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!

How did you get this idea? Who would've known that tehre was a girlstupid enough to believe she was in love at first sight? Love is invisiable...





Poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just don't get - and never would get.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe