Hey-hi!
First off, I'd like to -- gah my eyes!
It's a small thing here, but really important: double check your paragraph spacing. I can see where they are supposed to be, but since there's no actually space in between them, the text ends up being this huge brick of solid mass that makes a reader's eyes bleed just to look at. It's easy to fix and in a small section like this, it's not as bad as it could be, but it still makes me pause and want to claw my pupils out.
I liked this character's voice a lot. He was snarky and crabby and it was fun to read his thoughts on things.
One thing that did bother me was the parentheses. I've never been a huge fan of parentheses in fiction, but it might be a personal preference thing. As it stands, if you use them a lot and consistently, I'm not bothered by them so much. If it's a style thing, it doesn't bother me. But when it's just used once or twice, it stands out as awkward. What you have in the parentheses here can easily be put into sentence form.
Examples:
I don’t mean it like that. I mean, it's not that I know why I’m on Earth anymore than the next person.
A lone couple leans against the wall, sucking face. Gag me.
Nearly the same words, just put in their own sentences.
My third-grade teacher was a bitch, but she might not be.
Why is he musing on his third-grade teacher? That seems like a really distant comparison to be pulling up when compared to high school. Was that the only bitchy teacher he ever had? Why is he still worried then? I was just a little confused by this.
I liked your character here. This chapter was short, but I found myself interested by it. On to the next one?
~GryphonFledgling
Points: 42011
Reviews: 922
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