Published December 24, 2007
With her heart in her mouth,
she spoke.
Words lined up in her throat
like teenagers eager to jump
off a bridge.
Her tongue flicked and flied,
the perfect spring board for
all the hate, anger, and angst
she, or the teenagers, might have.
But before the first could jump
from her lively lips,
she swallowed her heart,
choked,
and died.
--
I'm not sure if I like this or hate this a lot. It had another line at the end, but I cut it, thinking the quick ending works better. Thoughts? (I feel I cannot write poetry...)
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
Brilliant.
Yeah, umm...
It flowed beautifully but the end was rather random and unexpected, which is a good shock, but it sort of came on too hard. Otherwise I absolutely love the build up and the end's dramatic...which I like!!!
Great one.
Short i like short
it was very good
quick ending is great i think
you do a fine job Suz
didn't even no you did poetry
Suzie can write poetry but she has problems making it sound good. I think one of your biggest problems, here and with poetry overall, dear, is flow. The first two sentences of this illustrate the problem pretty well, I think.
They don't roll off the tongue naturally, the first doesn't flow into the second, and the second doesn't flow into the third. I feel as though you're holding yourself back--just write what feels the most natural and worry about other stuff later. What's most important is that the poem has that natural rhythm, that feeling that makes poetry--and music, because they're very close--so good.
Last line. I do like the quick ending, for its feel and tone more than its content. Rather than being choppy like the beginning, it's a nice quick cut, a sudden silence that leaves the reader delightfully unbalanced. Even the lines leading up to the last line:
have a much better rhythm than the rest.
Meaning. I agree with Jack most of all--the topic didn't work out so well for you. I got the feeling that you were too removed from it. In fact, I get that a lot from your poetry...
Voice. I know you have a unique voice, you just need to use it when you write. Don't be afraid to let your personality and style come out. As Heather said, we're not sure about the presence of a persona or any direction you're given the poem in terms of audience.
Diction. May I just say, because no one else has mentioned it yet...
That line is fantastically offbeat and incorrect. I like "flicked and flied" so much I just squirm with delight thinking about it.
Oh, as Via and Heather said, "teenagers" must go. It's awfully out-of-place and brings with it the wrong sort of teen-angst connotation.
Good luck!
-Colleen
Allo, ma cherie.
The first thing that I really like about this poem is the polarity of what seems like choice, chosen diction against more pedestrian terms. I really like it. It brings about this idea that the woman in this poem is torn between standing out from the crowd and joining it--that there is a part of her is so willing to join in the mob.
The first thing that catches me is the fact that at the first the narrator tells us that the woman spoke but at the end before she can say anything she is "dead".
I think you could revise this line better: she, or the teenagers, might have.
I do like the abrupt ending and agree with Kitty.
As for rewriting I agree with pretty much what everyone else said.
Though, I have another viable analysis of the swallowing of the heart. To me, the woman has smothered the part of her that made her an individual.
Hope this was somewhat constructive, dear.
Ta,
Cal.
Well, I like this, even if you don't. I think you could do more with the words lined up in her mouth; they appear at the beginning and then sort-of at the end, but the middle was more about concepts the words would deal with rather than the words themselves. I feel the middle in general is too conceptual and not concrete enough. The part about teenagers jumping off the bridge seems unnecessary and the part about her tongue being a springboard seems contradictory in that she's ready to say all these things but is too nervous.
It seemed rather random that she just swallowed her heart at the end; more as a means to get to the end rather than a consequence of something else.
I think you can do a lot better. The crux of the poem comes down to this: a simple, extended analogy about words getting caught in the throat with committing suicide off a bridge. In the former case, the words cause death, too. As a topic, I think this fails in itself. You are much better with language than this and poetry demands more than this. All in all, it's rather simple. I think you know you have it in you to present more complex and elegant poetry than this. I have no idea how you wrote this, but perhaps more time and consideration is required.
Good luck Suz!
It's hard to say whether or not I like this as a whole but I think I do. And yet at the same time, I think it could be improved quite a bit.
I really like the idea behind it and the imagery is interesting but I feel there could be more there. I think I'd like to see this expanded with more of a build up to these emotions - what situation exactly is your persona in and who are they? Who are they trying to speak to? Society in general or a specific person? Just a few questions for you to consider...
Also, I agree about the word 'teenagers.' It doesn't seem to fit. Perhaps you could use youths instead? I think this line - she, or the teenagers, might have. - in particular annoys me. I don't think you'd miss much by dropping the 'or the teenagers' clause.
I'm very fond of the ending. I like how abrupt it is and I think it's very dramatic. In fact, I quite like how unclear and open it is. Very nice. And you have a lovely flow. The natural rhythm is practically perfect. I would suggest maybe using a semi colon after 'she spoke' instead of a comma though.
Other than that, it's good. See dear, you can right poetry just fine.
It is interesting and has great word use, but.... What the heck is it about??
I'm confused?
I don't know if I like it or not, either. It's like right in the middle where you could like it but you could just as easily hate it?
I think I would like it better if it didn't include the word "teenagers" at all. I mean, something has to go there but "teenagers" is a long, kind of boring and kind of annoying word...? I don't think that makes sense, but that's my thought.
I think what I would like to see with this is a little bit about why she choked and died before she spoke? That's kind of just an abrupt ending with not even really a hint as to what happens to cause it?
Other than that the idea is great I think, and I really like the style...not too explanatory and not under explanatory...good job!
That's about all I can come up with right now....I'm going to mull it over a bit more and possibly come back with more...