Published January 21, 2007
This is my entry for the Fool's Duel. It is...Very morbid. But I like it. Shred it, just as Sebastian did! (You'll get that comment later....)
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Dear Whoever,
I am a silhouette of myself. I have become nothing more than a two-dimensional outline of what I once was. I am a darkened figure upon the oh so pure white, and never to be shadowed, world. That is what I am silhouette against, the morals and righteousness of the world. They seem to misunderstand me, and my motives of action. In becoming this silhouette I have lost everything. My wife has left me and my children are terrified of me. Though I can say, I never loved them, so all I am loosing is a grip on this world. And as I have said, I am the darkened figure against the world. (Forgive my redundancy; I am not in the best of minds right now.) That makes it alright to lose this world; I am meant to oppose it.
Yours cynically,
Sebastian.
He folded the letter into thirds and slid it into its envelope. Sebastian felt it was better to leave a letter like this than to face his crimes. The warrant for his arrest was out already, when would they be coming for him? Not that it mattered, he wouldn’t be around for them to find.
He licked the envelope's seal, and closed up the letter. He had never liked licking envelopes’ edges; he had a fear that he might cut his tongue.
“But I will cut more than my tongue tonight,” he whispered. The house was so silent without his family. It still smelled of blood and semen; Sebastian had made no effort to clean up after himself and his indecent act.
He left the envelope at his desk and went into the kitchen. From there, he picked the knives up off the cold tile. They were scattered about, and all covered in blood. The body still lay on the sofa in the other room: raped, abused, and killed. He ordered the knives from largest to smallest on the counter top, and tried to find one that he liked. Sebastian eyed the ones with teeth the most. He liked to think that rather than slicing his skin, he would be shredding it open, because that always seemed like a more vulgar way to go about killing ones self.
The large, ridged knife on the end was the best. He left the others in their orderly manner and waltzed, for he did not want to walk in his last moments, to the living room. Sebastian lifted up the rag doll body of the young girl and pushed it to the side.
“May I sit with you?”
The body leaned against his shoulder in a way that would make any other man cringe with disgust, for it was a dead body that smelled and rot, but Sebastian didn’t mind. She had been beautiful in life, so why should he push her away now for rotting and bleeding?
He rolled up his sleeves in a nonchalant way. He had planned the majority of this from the beginning. But his wife’s leave and his suicide had not been planned. Sebastian had only wanted to bring the girl into his house, make love to her against her will as much as he wanted and then sadistically torture her until she died. Was that so wrong?
“I’ll be seeing you soon, Moya Sterva.” He kissed the bloated corpse on her puffy lips and then began to shred at his wrists with the knife.
The silhouette soon faded into nothing. His darkness was gone.
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*Moya sterva is Russian for 'my slut' though it may be an incorrect translation on my part; I'd need Dreamy or Imp's approval.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Okay Clau. Well I'll start out with the not so good parts and lead you down to the really good parts which is a much longer list!
Firstly, The letter that he was writing was very nice at the beggining....but I lost interest quick it you used the same word many a times. Secondly, when you put in that you were tired, lol, in the MIDDLE of the letter. It made it confusing and I wasn't sure if that was your character or you. Thirdly, you might want to change it so that the character is a bit more senile. I mean he just killed a little girl and is about to kill himself, usually rapist such as your main character don't mean to kill the people and have a slight bi-polar disorder. He would most likely be freaking out after having killed the little girl.
Now for the good parts!!! I loved how you slowly brought on what had happened in the house, it left suspence and it made you readers know that something was wrong.... but now what. I also loved how you made your character have a slight obsessive compulsive disorder, that made this more interesting. And it was morbid....but a beautiful kind of morbid that kept me wondering what was to happen next. Which I might add, I'm still wondering, What IS going to happen next. You didn't really saw that he killed himself but you said that he hurt himself extremely bad. Is there one before this that I haven't read, is he going to die, is he not going to die and there is going to be more, was this just a short little entry that won't be continued. I really hope not. I loved this and hope that you DO happen to find it in your Clau heart and post more about this intruiging character of yours. I want names, I want places, I want more drama..... I want you to continue!!!!!!! Okay well I love you and hope that you don't hate me after all I've said. *giggles*
Best Wishes,
Rieda.
Nice and dark - the MC was interesting and generally the story was quite nicely done. However the story itself is not underused - Ive seen a redition of this a few times but your style pulled it off I think.
Any reason for the russian? I dont think it adds anything really maybe than a fragment of sinister although english would work fine.
Wow. Um...this is a little dark. It was well written though. It gave me shivers! Writergirl
Wow Clauds! again this is quite disurbing and similar to your poem. Again it's interesting frm this point of view.
'...make love to her against her will as much as he wanted and then sadistically torture her until she died. Was that so wrong? '
I think that maybe here you should go a bit easier on the disturbing descriptions because it makes the
'Was that so wrong? '
There is only one more thing the line:
'...began to shred at his wrists'
The word shred kind of ruins this line for me. I think of a shredder shredding paper and despite the knife having teeth I still don't think this line works here. It's just my personal opinion but I think you could probably think of a better word.
Otherwise Clauds it was brilliant and you once more managed to both move and horrify me, it's really gripping, keep up the good work! xx
line sonud quite contradictory. I know you want it to sound disturbing but I think there is other words you can use than 'sadistically torture'. I don't think even he would descibe it like this and then question why it was wrong.
Hm, I was thinking that maybe "cut up" isn't the best term to use. When I hear "cut up", I assume the entire body has been cut up. Maybe that's just me, and it probably is, but it was confusing when you mentioned the body was still intact later. If you think that's just in my case, leave it as it is. Also, I think that saying "dead" or something of the sort is better than saying "and killed" because "killed" seems like an akward adjective to use.
This is an awkward sentence. Maybe, "The knives with the most teeth caught his attention." Something like that.
one*
Everything else seemed fine to me! I liked the letter in the beginning. Makes it original.
Thanks for the nice critique, even if it is to your own downfall
I edited it above.
I'll admit, I wrote this much on the go so it probably isn't perfect. But I don't think I care...*is too sleepless*
Hola 'dettie!
Cut the first line.
I think this would work better with an 'oh' put before 'so'.
Needs an 'a' before silhouette. Or change it to 'silhouetted'.
In becoming
so all I losing is a grip on this world.
lose
This would work better as, The house was so silent without his family. Or at the least change the 'since', as it is it doesnt work.
Okay, apart from a few other minor typos, this was bizarelly twisted. Chilling even. I thought it was very well done, could do with some improvements, in that its not perfect, but it is good. Well done, lover of mine
Technically, I shouldnt help you improve the quality of your entry lmao, kinda diminishes the prospect of my own winning lol, but I couldnt stay away.
Good luck.