Young Writers Society

lol you guys are digging up my not-so-good poetry.. Oh well, thanks for the words anyways

Well, I don't want to repeat what other people have said, but I just wanted to add that while some of the rhyme is a bit difficult to read it still flowed fairly well (I had to look over some sentences, just because of the way they flowed onto each other and the fact that I need some coffee or something to keep me awake).

Also anxiety's mistress ending was really effective. It was a real turn in the poem and an unexpected shock which I think worked really well.

The rhyme wasn't that good, but i don't normally read poetry. There were a few times i went back and read cause i read wrong, but that was probably just me. I really like this poem. I wish i had found it for my English project of memorizing a poem above fifty words.

Merci Chandni! I've agreed with both points that the rhyming and the French were bad. But I think I'll go with Colleen's word and come back to the general theme in a while I still think myself a newbie poet.

And she posts something!

as Colleen said, it was difficult to find the rhyming and the donnez-moi was indeed pretty akward, you said you couldn't find a word that meant give in english erhm perhaps donate? but that might as well be completely out of place hehe.

It's good to see you experimenting with cutting lines when the sentence hasn't ended yet, we can't expect you to hit the right spot from scratch right?

The way you brought your whole concept forward suits me well, but the rythem was a bit tacky.

As for the last stanza/lines well done, something different you don't see very much

Cheerios, Chandni

*pats Clau's head* No need to hate your poetry! No, it wasn't the best, but it was a good idea, so hang on to it and rewrite it in six months or so while listening to female-artist hippie folk music.

I'm going to go have some tea now...I hope it will help me breathe and not be completely delirious and disoriented (no, really, I'm not even sure where the computer screen is right now).
Colleen

Thanks Colleen!

Yes, I actually hate this poem the most out of anything I've written. It's ugly and I put no effort into it. I think it was more that I just needed to get the feelings out, than anything, but thank you for the critique anyways! I was testing a new style also (not ending my sentence at the end of the lines) just to see how I could work with it.

I'm sure I'll write something better another time.

The rhyme was difficult to read because the ends of phrases and the ends of lines don't match up. It can be done, of course, but the right places just haven't been emphasized.

Thank you for the explanation of the French bit, but it seemed completely out of place. Usually people use phrases in other languages when it only works in that particular language or sounds really awkward and doesn't make any sense when translated.

No, it's not your best work, but I kind of like this whole "anxiety's mistress" bit. I've been seeing it under your username for a while and now it's just that much more intriguing.
Most of the seems to be general phrases that didn't really interest/inspire me, and in some places it sounds just as pretentious as the usage of French.

Colleen