For Sam
-------
Collin pulled up the sleeves on his cardigan and hooked his fingers around the top of the fence. He couldn’t believe he was breaking into a cemetery, but the gates were locked until late morning. Besides, if he came in the afternoon, old people would be everywhere. Collin wanted to be alone with her.
He jammed the toe of his converse into a fence hole and pulled himself up. For a moment, he balanced like a bird waiting for the sun to rise, but then he he swung his legs over and let go.
Collin fell on top of Marie Sue Smith. Actually, he fell onto her grave – but it was all the same to him.
“Sorry,” he whispered to the stone, “I usually come in by the gates, but—” He bit his lip, stood, and dusted off his jeans. “You probably can’t hear me, anyway.”
Until now, Collin had only been to Pleasant Dreams Cemetery in the day time. It usually looked like a dilapidated park with an unconventional admiration for gravestones, but by the light of the moon it resembled the set of a bad horror movie. Everything was a dreary shade of grey.
He followed the walk way to where she slept; grave C-12. He knew the path better than the lyrics to I Will Follow You into the Dark. Collin kissed her for the first time when that song was playing. It was their song.
Passed the Robinson headstones, past the still born child and the drunk driver; he could feel her heart beating in the earth. It fluttered when Collin got closer; or was that his own heart?
He came to row twelve, stopped, turned, five steps.
“I’m here.”
Collin sat down in front of the head stone. He rubbed his fingers in the wet grass as he read over the engraving. Each letter floated on his lips as he tried to accept what it told him.
Burd Kristiana Vorobey
February 16, 1992 – February 14, 2008
You will Always be in our Hearts.
It was only a rock, carved and etched with a few words, but it was all he had left of her. Collin sometimes thought about stealing her gravestone, keeping it with him so he could remind himself, even though he never forgot.
“Nothing’s left, you know,” he started. “Your house burned down.”
Collin waited for the gravestone to grow lips and speak, but he knew it never would.
“Your parents made it out, but it’s gone.” He licked his lips and leaned forward. “They don’t know why it happened.”
A quiet laugh escaped from his lips; he didn’t want her to hear.
“I know, I’m horrible, aren’t I?” Collin pushed his hair out of his eyes, rubbing the dew on his forehead. “I shouldn’t laugh. But don’t you think it’s a little funny? It’s just like you.”
He paused again. Collin would give his soul if it meant she would reply.
“The firemen said, ‘We have no idea, it just burst into flames and that was that.’ Just like the doctors when they said, ‘We don’t know why she’s dying. She just is.’ You just were. You were just dying, like it was nothing.”
Sinking his fingers into the dirt, Collin squeezed chucks of grass to keep back his tears.
“You died like people breathe. It’s normal to die, they told me.”
Pushing farther into the dirt, he pulled out the chunks and threw them against the headstone.
“But you really didn’t, you really didn’t just die. You were tortured and sick and you couldn’t eat and maybe your lungs stopped working or your blood wouldn’t move but you died so horribly and they still can’t tell me why.”
Collin kept shoving his fingers under the grass, pulling out more and more dirt, throwing it at her grave stone, around him, back into the earth.
“I sometimes think they don’t tell me because they want me to suffer.”
He paused for a moment to catch his breath, to catch himself and keep himself from crying. Collin could feel the wet heat behind his eyelids, pressing and trying to flow out but he wouldn’t let them fall. He stared at his hands. Slowly, he pulled them out of the ground and crossed his arms.
In a whisper, quieter than before, “God, I’m so sorry, I’m just…” Collin wiped his hands on his jeans. “I didn’t mean to defile you.”
The patches of exposed dirt looked like wounds, eye sockets left bare by Death’s decay. Collin laid his hands over the holes to hide them. His fingers tingled and he pushed them farther in.
“You know, it feels like we’re holding hands.”
He pushed in deeper. Collin could see the sun starting to stretch across the sky.
“I wanted to let you know about your house. I thought it was only fair.”
A bird started to sing.
“Does God know why you died?”
Collin squeezed the ground again. He wanted to feel the dirt push under his nails and never come out.
“I lie in the grass sometimes and pretend you’re lying with me. Your hair is everywhere and we’re looking at the shapes in the sky and you’re comparing them to geometric figures and I tell you you’re too much of a nerd and you say, ‘oh, hush!’ like you used to when…”
A tear escaped his careful restraint and rolled down his cheek.
“When I would tell you that I loved you and because I loved you you would never die because the people I love aren’t allowed to hurt or be scared or die.”
The dirt suffocated his skin. He pulled his hands from the ground and brushed them against her gravestone.
“Why are you haunting me?” Collin whispered.
He found a rough edge of the stone and pressed his palm against it. Then suddenly, he rubbed it with such force he could feel the skin ripping. Collin wanted to bleed for her. He wanted to give her a piece of his life so he could have her back.
“I love you so much, but I can’t sleep anymore and I dream when I’m awake and all I hear is you crying…”
A red smudge marked the place where his palm had been.
Why does God want me to die?
He pressed his thumb against the stain and rubbed the blood into the engravings.
“I knew your house was gone before they told me. I didn’t even see the smoke. I heard you screaming.”
Collin traced the B and left it red.
You’ll still love me even if…?
“Everyone says you’re dead, even this damn stone says you’re dead.” More tears traced the way down his face and dribbled off his chin. “But you’re so loud, you’re louder than anyone who’s alive. I hear you screaming and every time I close my eyes I see you with all those needles and machines and your blood pumping out but there’s so little life in your eyes.”
His finger followed around the U, going over it a few times for good measure.
I don’t want to be in the Dark.
He wiped his tears on his shoulder again and moved to the R. Collin would make every letter red. Even if he had to scrape his wrist against the rock over and over and over until he bled all six quarts. Every letter of her name would shine with his blood and his life. The life she didn’t have.
“I can feel the Dark inside of me. It’s not even where it should be and I can feel it. I don’t want to be in it without you, Burdie, please...”
Collin couldn’t see the letters anymore. He couldn’t see his blood or his hands. Everything sloshed together into grey because he couldn’t hold it inside anymore. Collin lied on the grass and cried. He cried more than he had at her funeral, because everyone was watching him and he couldn’t cry without her to hold his hand, because he needed her to wipe his tears away and tell him it would be OK even though it would never be OK.
Between deep breaths and sobs, Collin started to sing:
“If heaven and hell decide
that they both are satisfied,
illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs…
If there's no one beside you
when your soul embarks,
then I'll follow you …”
Collin pushed his hands over his mouth and screamed. He wanted his lungs to burst and his ears to bleed and he didn’t want to feel himself think any longer.
“Burdie, Burdie, Burdie, I can’t follow you, Burdie. You’re gone and I can’t follow you.”
He squinted through the tears and rubbed her name one last time, to feel the bumps and lines against his fingers once more before he left her there in the cold ground alone with only the worms and the dirt and Death.
“I’m scared,” Collin whispered. “I don’t think I can find you in the dark.”
THE END
------
Воробей (Vorobey) - Sparrow
This was for Clo's Contest, thus, the picture! It's #10.
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140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
oh my gosh, I almost cried!
1. I love that song. DCFC is amazing. <3
2. At some parts, you had a few too many run on sentences.
"You were tortured and sick and you couldn’t eat and maybe your lungs stopped working or your blood wouldn’t move but you died so horribly and they still can’t tell me why.”
That, for instant, is too long. Try:
"You were tortured and sick and you couldn't eat. Maybe your lungs stopped working, or you blook wouldn't move. You died so horribly, and they still can't tell me why."
i love that song so much. death cab for cutie!!!! yay!!!
anyways thanks for doing the song justice.
Suz -
I'm finally getting to this. And I'm glad I did, as usual. This was a solid piece, although I'm not sure what the significance of it was. Once again, your prose was very tight, very real.
[Moon Cheese and Death Cab for Cutie]
I have a confession to make: I have never liked lyrics used in writing unless they are either known by all or critical to the storyline. The song you used was neither. It's like you wrote the whole story "in honor" of the song. I dunno. The whole Death Cab addition, especially when you inserted an entire verse, cast a cheesy pallor over the piece as a whole. I tried as hard as possible to imagine someone going to a loved one's grave and crooning I Will Follow You Into The Dark to them, but it just didn't fall within the realms of possibilty for me.
[And Your Point?]
While the writing was wonderful, I couldn't help asking myself what the point of the story was. What does it mean? Why are you writing this other than to win a contest? Sure, you could say that it's just a slice-of-life vignette, but it seems to me that a story should always have some kind of theme to connect it to the world. Is this piece comfort for all those who have lost someone? Is it empathetic?
Okay, I see where you're coming from...
[L'image]
A question: How does the picture shown below relate to the story?
I don't know if I like this imagery. I just feel like you could have done so much more with it. You can make it so much more potent.
Eh. This doesn't sound real. You were doing really well until this point, where Collin kind of dissolves into mushiness. Cut it and all will be well.
Until this point you capitalized dark. Is there significance in the fact that you didn't here?
Anyway, happy writing!
-Kylan
I love "You died like people breathe". that was fantastic.
Just to point out what everyone else probably already has. Its Lay doewn on the grass, not Lied down on the grass.
Anyway I liked this. It was very sad, but still awesome.
Hold on, let me dry up the tears..........................................
There now I can see. That was very good. I absolutly love it! It made me cry. Well, this part made me cry,
This whole entire passage is so beautifully writen. I don't think I've ever read anythig as good as this!
I love how you described this! I absolutly love it!
Thank you for the great read!
Well, this was a good story. Not my cup of tea, but I know when something's good and it's still not my personal preference. I won't go after grammar, cause that's not how I roll. You said you wanted character development and mood though, so that's where we'll go.
Character development. Was there any? As far as I could tell he was basically the same person when he came out as he was when he went in. But perhaps this was your intention. I couldn't really tell. To me he just seemed sad and despondent. True, his girl is dead. But I kind of want to know if he'll get up and go on in life. Maybe not now, but you might hint at it.
The mood that I sensed here is bleak and dreary. He is actually sad about his girl dying, and it has hit him in a vulnerable spot. You hit the mood head on in that case. The whole "bloody hand smearing on the gravestone," was creepy, but in an interesting sort of way. It shows how far he's gone since she died, I guess. Those comments probably go with character development, but I only now just thought of them.
Anyway, pleasure reviewing your story. It was good. If you have anything else you want reviewed look me up. I'll be happy to do it.
*gold star*
Crit will be done in my usual style: corrections and comments as I read through it.
I would rephrase this, possibly to "Collin wanted to be with her alone." That way, there's more emphasis on him wanting to be alone, rather than the emphasis being on being with her.
Converse is a brand name shoe, therefore you should capitalize it.
... ew
Did you do this on purpose, or did you just not catch it?
I'm not quite sure what is meant by this. Obviously, he went to row twelve, and he took five steps in, but I guess this is worded weirdly, so it's a little unclear.
I really like the imagry here. Good job.
That's about all I can comment on. I probably missed a couple of things in the rest of the story, but I was just so enraptured by what was happening that I wasn't even looking for mistakes anymore. Excellent job. Keep it up.
kf
I loved reading this. It was fantastically well written, I loved your style, and some of it had me in tears.
There were a few bits which I didn't like too much, just because I thought they were cheesy, like TL G-Wooster thought, or because I couldn't really picture it happening but I think everyone else who's commented has already mentioned them.
I half agree and half disagree with BigBadBear here. I usually tell people not to be too precise with what they write, but here I think the way you did it was fitting. Like he's visited her so many times that he knows exactly how many steps it takes. Although I think instead of 'stopped, turned,' you should have something more like :
'He came to row twelve and turned. Five steps.'
I think you need more emphasis on the five steps because, to me, it seems important and quite symbolic, but I would make the part before flow slightly more (haha that rhymes!
But overall i thought it was amazing. Very well done
Sofi.
I liked it. It had lots of emotion, and it was well written -- very well written in parts. Your description is just right.
But I hate this line:
It's just bleagh. Cheesy. Over done.
I'd also like to know more about the fire. Is it significant? I'm still not sure whether Burd (that is a really weird name, actually) was burned in the fire and died later in the hospital, or if the fire happened after she died. I'm thinking it's the latter, but then I'm not too sure exactly why there's mention of the fire at all.
If you get rid of the "why are you haunting me" line, and perhaps clarify the fire a bit more, it'll be really good. It'll be great.
Hey Suz (I'm sorry, I'm christening you that, it's my friend's name and I miss her...) Stella here!
What first caught my eye was the title "Into the Dark" because the song that I'm guessing this was partly inspired by is one of my absolute favourites in the world. It's beautiful. Don't you love Death Cab for Cutie?
Okay so...
I. NITPICKS
Converse is a proper noun, capitalize it.
Hehe, Mary Sue. Sorry. Not complaining, just pointing it out.
Stillborn is one word, actually.
Okay so, I'm not entirely sure, but I think that usually stillborn children are buried in a different part of the cemetery. I don't know, maybe that's only in religion-connected graveyards. Also, how does he know it was a drunk driver? Does it say "who crashed their car into a tree under the influence of alcohol"? That's probably really insensitive of me, but how does Collin know?
February 16, 1992 – February 14, 2008
Is there symbolism behind:
A. Her dying two days before her sixteenth birthday.
B. Dying on Valentine's Day.
I'm guessing both. Nice and subtle.
You need to make it clear that this isn't how she died.
I couldn't decide if your use of the word "just" here was deliberate or not.
Burdie flew away?
Right so...
II. SPEECH VS. THOUGHT
Collin is speaking to Burd in this piece, and it would appear that he's saying all his thoughts. But is he? I wasn't sure. When he speaks to her, is that all he's thinking? Or is he thinking other things that he doesn't want to say to her... we don't see much of inside his head, most of his emotions are told through what he says and what he does. Which is nice, but I always like to see characters' thought prosesses as well.
III. CHARACTERIZATION
You told us a little bit about Burd, and it helped me feel sorry that she had died. About the geometric figures etc. But we still don't know much about these two as people. Who is Collin? I have to admit that I wasn't particularly drawn to him, because I wasn't sure of who he was. Did he not like geometry (I personally despise it, it's worse than trigonometry)? What was his life like outside of Burd? And what's his life like now? Also, how long has she been dead? Does he appear to others to be coping with her death? All the little questions need to be answered.
IV. OVERALL
I liked it. I'm actually being pretty harsh -for me- in this crit. I thought it was an original idea, it could just use a bit more development, But I kept finding symbolism in it, I'm not sure if it was deliberate or not, but hey, it worked.
PM me if you have any questions about the critique!
-Stella x
Holy.
Crap.
I feel like crying right now. I don't think I've ever been touched more by something on YWS. This is... ohmigosh. So touching. So beautiful. So perfect. Okay, so maybe not perfect, but we can help you get there.
This makes it seem like he's in lockstep. Which really isn't how I pictured him. He reminds me of the guys in the military. "About face! Left! Left! Left, right, left!" You know.
Collin doesn't act his age. We are never given a specific age, but he acts like a thirteen year old in here. I don't know how to explain it. What he says, I guess. It doesn't sound like a man.
Other than that, though? Amazing. Beautiful. Colorful. And those are just the first three letters of the alphabet. (ABC) Fantastic job, Suzanne. I have my new favorite story!!
-Jared
*stares at screen for a moment*
Oh! And the picture was awesome, I especially love how it was shot upside-down. ^_^ Good luck!
I-I don't know what to say. Usually I don't wander around the Romantic Fiction forum and if I do, I rarely bother to critique, or read through the whole thing for that matter. But this specific piece was very well written and I'm glad I did.
Truthfully, I've never read a story with this sort of plot. Of course I've heard of some, but never really found any. That's probably what pulled me into the story, I'm sure your going to have a very good chance of winning the contest. ^_^
I didn't find any grammar errors that Ten Sweet Bliss didn't already. Okay fine, I lie, I didn't find any at all.
Anyway... the only part I had a sort of problem with was when you said he started singing. I know you meant for him to be totally in love with this girl and he was extremely sad, but... I just can't see that happening. In my head I imagined him sort of leaning against the headstone and looking off into the distance like some sad music video. Also, the end bothered me, too. The way he said it... or maybe it was the words he used... I'm not really sure which, but it bothered me and kind of ruined the ending in my opinion. It made it seem "okay." But really, other than that I loved this. It was only those last words and the fact that you said he was singing.
Good job! I really hope you win!
-kittykat
I really love the matter-of-fact beginning, the way he breaks in, his thoughts about it and the way he apologizes to the grave. For some reason, that just reached out and grabbed my attention.
There should be a hyphen in there = "still-born child"
Meh, I have to tell the truth and say that I didn't care for the one-sided conversation. No disrespect, but it just came across kind of angsty. And the cutting himself didn't do much for me either. Just sort of added to the emotasticness.
However, your writing is great. Like I said, I liked the beginning, before he got all emotional, better, but the entire piece was well written. Good luck in the contest!
*thumbs up* You rock some serious socks, Suz.
~GryphonFledgling
I feel like you should put more emphasis on "her" with italics or something of the sort. Otherwise, the last sentence loses the significance it's asking for.
Passed should be "past." A hyphen is needed to connect "still" and "born."
The description here beautifully reflects the gravity of the situation and Collin's love. Here's a toast to you, Suzanne!
Consider changing "even though he never forgot" into something similar to "even though he would never forget," so it doesn't disrupt the future tense train before it. Right now, the past tense is very awkward.
Everything after "idea" should be a new sentence or separated with a semi-colon.
This is the Big Bertha of run-on sentences; keep in mind to add a comma between two independent clauses. Nonetheless, the run-on sentence relays the frantic nature of Collin's words quite well... You do this a couple more times throughout this piece, so have an eye out for that.
Other than the run-on sentence, Collin's "eulogy" of sorts really brings Burd's character to life, ironically enough.
This is a very well-written and touching story. Keep up the good work and best of luck with the contest!