This is my entry, or half of it, for Cal's contest. It's short narratives on my secondary characters in The Party Killers, so if it makes no sense at all, don't worry. It does have some spoilers, but you are tough cookies. I have two more entries to write; those will come around eventually.
Time Period: 1920s
047. FROM THE BEST OF FRIENDS
Frank didn’t want to open it.
The letter had arrived on his door step that morning, but now the sun had crawled to the other side of the earth, and he still didn’t want to open it.
When he threw it in fire, the flames consumed all there was so that Frank had no hope of pulling it back out again and reading it.
While it burned, Frank could read only one word: Somdomite [sic].
046. MY ONE TRUE LOVE, LOST…
His first kiss had been with the factory girl whose arm had got caught in a loom and was, as such, completely missing. She was nine; he was five. The four year difference was smaller in comparison to the blood that was spraying on the machines, the floor, Frank’s pants. Because he thought he loved her, because she had pretty lips, because she would be dead soon; he kissed her.
She died before their lips could be untangled, before their fingers could untie, before he could say, “I love you.”
His first kiss had been with a dead girl.
082. AIR TIGHT; LOVE TIGHT
Frank kept his tears in a jar with a lid so tight no human could open it. The jar hid on a shelf before a flight of stairs which led to his heart. He preferred it that way because no one would ever see him cry.
As the jar shattered, Frank realized that Kel Grenwald wasn’t human.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Muahahaha!
doorstep*
Seems like a bit of a run-on, if you ask me. I'd get rid of "and reading it," since what else do you do with a letter? Go fishing? Take it to an amusement park? xD
The second one is creepy. O_O
Personally, I don't think the presence of "human" here is entirely necessary -- as opposed to a gorilla? Or a machine? Meh. Personal preference, don't mind me. ^^
*reads on* Oh wait, never mind.
Brilliant metaphor in that last one, love. ^^
Now I want to know how these tie into the story. O_O
Brilliant, darling. You'll do wonderful in the contest, methinks. Best of luck!
[/has no real constructive comments]
xD
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
I love these. Especially the second one. This is terrible, but I started laughing after this sentence:
And so I found it terrible, but funny. And I feel terrible for finding it funny, but then I just laugh some more. XD
Everything else I'd point out has already been mentioned, and these are so short that there isn't much more to say than "i lik dis, dis wus good", so I'm gonna point out a technicality that you don't have to acknowledge at all (aka, it's just for fun
You said that no human could open the jar. Kel shattered the jar. Therefore, he could still be human.
Frankie-poo! *gasp of shock*
My critique of this is going to be pretty much negligible, and limited to things to do with PK itself:
- Some of these things have to show up in the storyline. The dead girl, especially, and perhaps hints at the hatemail, should show up with Kel. They're too good to pass up.
- Does Agatha know how Frankiepoo feels about Kel? You could have one of those awful narratives where it's kind of like an inside joke between the reader and the outer characters--I think it would fit PK perfectly.
Anyway. You know I want to eat his sandwich, so.
I really don't have much to say, considering this is so short and grammatically-sound.
The only suggestion I have is that you add a bit more description--sensual description. You don't have to go into insane details, but I want a little more... unless there's a word limit or something. If not, I want to know about the smell of the factory, the heat and smoke of the fire, the feel of her lips against his (dry? moist?). Right now, it's good--but it feels a tad empty to me.
I haven't read much of your work, but I can tell you have a really nice style... so refreshingly original. ^_^
I'm afraid I will have to end this terribly unhelpful review here, there isn't much more to say.
~Azila~
Hope you do well in the contest! There was practically nothing to pick out ( >.< *whimpers* ) but just a few thingies.
This is a little choppy, you might want to consider rephrasing.
It would be clearer if you said/told that the kiss happened at the time of the accident. I had to read to the end before I realised that it hadn't happened ages ago, and he just kissed a living girl with just one arm.
Smaller = small?
Very nice.
Weird word choice.
This might have more impact if split into two short sentences, but that could also be just my personal style.
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Short, but enjoyable! I liked the second one best; it had more to it that I could understand, having not read the actual novel. The second one was very good. ^_^