16+

Harry's Godcousin

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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Harry's Cousin Aunt Lily sat new-born Harry in his crib while Uncle James sat me in mine in the guest room. The guest room had it's own wing that was private. I then heard shouts and Aunt Lily run to Harry's room. I was 1 year old but very smart and stayed put and silent. Uncle James came and ripped his very long invisibility cloak in half and put it over me and tieing the rest to an owl before sending it away. He then went back to the front of the house and I hear him fall. I then hear a man make his way to Harry's room. "Move out of my way girl.""No!""Avada Kedavra" I gasped. I then see someone come in and laugh. It was a girl with messy hair with a knife belt. She shot avada kedavra but my mummy who burst through the window got hit and hit me in the eyes. I saw in the mirror that my eyes turned silver as my vision turned blurry. The lady apparated and I saw my daddy come in and tucked me on his motorcycle. Then a big giant came and saw daddy. Daddy went over and argued over Harry he gave him mum's motorcycle and then went home, Grimmauld place. He then took his wand murmured me to sleep and put me in my crib and went to his room and cried.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter 1: 10 years later, The Beginning I woke up in my room and ran over to my eyes. Still silver. It was becoming a habit. Each night I would pray and wish but it never happened. I focused on the brush and it came straight to me. I then brushed my dark raven hair and went down for breakfast. Kreacher was taking care of me since dad went to Azkaban. I bit into my toast when a lady came out of the fireplace. She grabbed my arm and came into the light. She had white hair with some black pieces pulled into a bun and was wearing a long black dress. She then let go of me and fastened a silver locket around me. She then left and left a card on the table and left the way she came

Dear, Rangini Black

Soon we will meet. I am your aunt. You must wear the locket. You are part of our plan. You are the only way.

Narcissa Black Malfoy 

I stared at the locket and tried to take it off but it wouldn't budge. Kreacher came and his eyes widened at it. I then got my dad's wand and oblivated him. He then went back to cleaning. I put some skinny jeans with a black lace tank and a black motorcycle jacket with black combat boots. I then decided to go to the zoo. I had always loved animals. I put my hair straight and got my necklace of the deathly hallows and left. I went to the snake exhibit where a rude family were making it mad they moved on and I saw him. My cousin. Most people would say it was just someone who looked like me but his scar was the truth. I touched his hand right when the snake slithered off and I got a flashback. Twas the night I saw my mum die.

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I woke up and saw myself in a dark room on a nice green velvet bed. A door opened and it was her. Narcissa. "That was quite a shock. Here drink this." It was water and bread so I gobbled it down. "What happen?" "You were at a muggle zoo, muggles are non-magical folk, and when you touch Potter you fainted the muggle worker thought the snake bit you. I came claiming to be your mom and took you here. Now time to go." She said getting up."Where?""Well-er- to your place. You see me and Lucius need to talk to you. About that." She said pointing at the locket. I looked down. It was mood changing and didn't open."Alright let's go.""Right, now Ragini-""I go by Raven." "Right, so when we have this meeting you can choose to forget some of the things and just work with the plan or know everything. Now let's go." She took my hand and led me through the door. We went through a dark hallway and lots of stairs. Eventually we in up in the parlor. There is a photo of a boy with white hair all over the place.

"That is my son, your cousin, Draco Malfoy. You too will go to school together in the fall. Be nice to him. Come on Lucius." A man with long blond hair wearing all black with a black cane was right behind me. Lucius smirked and came and grabbed my arm taking Nacrissa with him and going to a nice small dark conference room. I sat in the middle and Nacrissa on one side and Lucius on the other. A man wearing a turban came out of the fireplace and smiled. "Good day Malfoys and Black. Master are you ready." A cold voice spoke "Make sure she doesn't escape." Lucius murmured a spell and ropes came and tied me to the chair. "Right now lets get to the point. I am professor Quirrell soon to teach defense against the dark arts at Hogwarts. Now time to meet our master." He took his royal purple turban and began unraveling it. He turned around and it was awful, he had dead eyes and two slits were his nose should have been. "You will watch over Harry Potter, you will be in Slytherin, you will do these things or I will kill you and everyone else." It said in a hoarse whisper. Too dry to speak I nodded. Quirrel then took my hands and Lucius came over and was murmuring the unbreakable vow and then said. "Do you Ragini Black promise to uphold this promise or else." "I do." He then let go and left. Lucius got up took me and Narcissa and apparated back to Malfoy Manor. Narcissa then led me to the room I was in then took her wand and murmured Obliviate. I fell against the bed and woke up remember a evil man promising me to do things I then noticed it was imprinted on my left wrist. Watch Harry Potter; Be in Slytherin; or else. Narcissa came in and gave me a lunch and then took my hand and went to grimmauld place. I went to the post window and saw a letter there.Ms. Ragini Black12 Grimmauld Place I tore open the letter. It was my acceptance letter to Hogwarts. Nacrissa came and smiled. "Go freshen up and then we will go to Diagon Alley. You can leave the nightgown on the bed. Kreacher will take care of it." I then notice I was wearing a black silk gown. I went to my room and saw my old clothes out and fresh. I got dressed. I put a nice black top on, with a colorful sweater, with denim skinny jeans and my brown combat boots. I put my hair in a side fishtail and grabbed my cross over bag. I went down the steps and Narcissa was waiting. She then took my hand and I was in Diagon Alley. I went towards the wand shop but Narcissa dragged me to Gringotts. We went to my vault where I got some money then Nacrissa went to hers. We then left and went to get fitted. I stood behind my cousin and looked at Narcissa. She nodded and we went to get my books. We went back and got my robes. I then went to the wand shop. It was very dark and gloomy. "Ah. Good Evening Ms. Black. Come out." He grabbed a wand and handed it to me. It was simple and when I flicked it it hit me in the eye. "Sorry about that. Here let me look at you better. " He measured me then took a candle and looked at my face one look at my silver eyes he nearly dropped the candle. He ran to his office and came back with a wooden box. He pressed the sides and a wand came out. It was fairly short but was silver and had a vine circling it ending with a Snake at the end. "Try this one. It is 6 and third and that's all I know, no one knows what is the core or anything," I took it out and felt energy run through me. I looked around and Narcissa looked shock and Mr. Ollivander looked thrilled. I then put it in it's case. "Have it for 12 galleons. " I gave him the money and put it in my bag. "Wait don't forget the case." He said organizing his wands. I focused on it and it came to me. Narcissa snapped her head around and dragged me out of the shop. "Never do that again!" She then snapped out of it and let me pick whatever pet I wanted. I picked a nice small grey kitten while Narcissa gave me a Black owl. It bit me several times. But Narcissa paid for it so I let it be. We then left and found a trunk it my room. I went down to Narcissa but she was gone. I went upstairs and packed my trunk putting my robes on one side and books on the other. It was quite small trunk then I heard a pecking on my window and it was my owl with a letter. Raven,Use the undetectable extension charm on the trunk and also that messenger bag you have.N. I took my wand and flicked it and it knew what I wanted. I put my clothes in and some extra books with my potions kit and put my books in my messenger bag. I then pressed a hidden button that opened a secret compartment in my trunk and I grabbed my mum's old hat box and put her locket, deathly hallows necklace, dad's wand, and the invisibility cloak. Finished packing I went to bed. I woke up at 10:00 and got dressed. Black Skinny jeans with a grey poncho and black boots and I put Sunny the kitten in her carrier and took Midnight the owl and let him fly to Hogwarts. "Kreacher, please take Midnight's cage to Hogwarts. Thank You." I went down stairs and saw a royal purple bus outside, a man came out. "Welcome to the Knight bus for troubled witches and wizards. Is there a Raven Black." A man said, he looked at me "Yes sir. That is me." "Good I'll take you bags you just take the cat. Oh and I am Stanley." I got on and sat on the chair while the bus lurched on and drove to King's Cross. I got off and saw Narcissa. She gave me a ticket took my cart and I got my cat. It was 10:50. She ran towards platform 9 and 10 and I found an empty compartment. A nice bushy haired girl came in and sat down. "Hello! I am Hermione Granger and you are.""Just call me Raven."I then stared out into the fields and creeks. A boy came in with buck teeth and asked if we've seen a toad. "Nope sorry." I said but Hermione got up and said. "I haven't but I can help you look. What's your name?" "Neville Longbottom" I couldn't help but snicker. Hermione glared and went to go look. She then came back and grabbed her robes and went to go change. I got out and bumped into a boy with blond hair. "Er. Hi. I'm Raven. Can you please move?""I'm Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. What's your last name?"Two of his pals were surrounding me. "None of your business now please move."He laughed and pulled me into an empty compartment while his "buddies" waited outside. "Alright it's Black now can I go.""Wait, Black." "Yes now please move."I concentrated my eyes on the compartment door and ran to the lady's room and changed. I put my hair down and went to my compartment. Hermione was reading Hogwarts A History. I got my wand and went to Draco's Compartment. I opened the door and oblivated them. I got my trunk and kitten and waited by the train door. Finally we were at Hogwarts. We went on row boats and I was with some crazy girls who kept making weird comments about themselves. Finally we were there.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter 2: The Sorting

We walked into the hallway were a stern looking woman was waiting. "The sorting will begin momentary." she led us through the great hall and put a old hat on the stool. "Hermione Granger. Gryffindor."Susan Bones HufflepuffRon Weasley GryffindorDraco Malfoy SlytherinHarry Potter Gryffindor""I clapped for him and he made eye contact with me and I looked away."Ragini Black." I made my way up to the to the stage and put the hat on. "Ah very difficult....Hufflepuff is out. But very smart.....wait no so Ravenclaw is out....Oh yes let's see very brave and loyal. " "Not Gryffindor I will die if I do." "Slytherin."I felt an icy chill run through me. I put the hat back and went to my seat across from Draco. The Head boy led us to the dungeons and went to a knight in armor. He whispered 'Salazar' and it revealed a staircase descending into the common room. The common room was huge it had two sectional couches, armchairs, two fireplaces, and two more doors. "The one on your right is the girls side. Years 1-3 share with their year then 4 and up get your own you may got there now." I went in and saw the girls on the boat staring wide eyed at me. "Hi I'm Raven which bed is mine." They laughed and pointed to the one near the window seat. I sat down. "So what are your names.""I'm Pansy and over there is Lola, that is Brittany" I nodded and then got ready for bed and fell asleep.

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I woke up to all the girls getting up also. It was 7:20."So why are you up so early.""Well we have to do our makeup." Said Pansy"Breakfast is at 8:30 and class is at 9:15." Said Brittany"Alright." I said. The sun came up and I saw them more clearly. Pansy had short black frizzy hair and had a pug face, Brittany was brown skin and had wavy short black hair, and Lola had blond hair with some parts of it highlighted pink. "Woah your hair is so uneven and your nails and- WOAH those eyes are awesome." They all said. Lola came up and then looked at her friends who nodded. "Ladies we have work to do." They took me by the arm and dragged me to the bathroom. I faced the mirror but Brittany turned me around, " This will be a blind makeover" They twisted and pinned my hair and put some make up on and painted my nails then turned me around. My hair was down with a braid making a tiara look and my makeup was blush and eyeliner then my nails were a deep Emerald. "Thanks." But they were too busy doing things but Brittany was just sitting looking at a piece of music. "Here let me do you." "Ok." She said, reluctantly putting her book down.I curled her hair in soft ringlets and put it in a half up half down then I took the blush and lightly applied and did some eyeliner and gave her some lip gloss. I then turned her around. "Wow thanks I love it except the gloss I can't wear it. I play- Nevermind." She then wiped it off and smiled. "Woah I like your hair Brit." "Thanks Lo, Rave did it.""I like the makeup good job Rave." Pansy said. I looked at the clock 8:17. I grabbed my outfit. I put my white shirt then my green and black tie, I slip the grey sweater on and grab my robes only then did I realize I had no pants. I put on my black and green plaid skirt and some calf high boots and left the dorm. I went to the table and got my schedule. Mostly every class was with Gryffindor. Draco came and sat next to me and loaded his plate with bacon and sausage. I saw Pansy glare at Draco and I so hard that if looks could kill, I would be dead. I got up and went to my first glass Transfiguration. I sat at the front and got my leather bag and took out my textbook and journal and my notebook where I kept track of Harry. I unscrewed my ink carefully not to spill and got my quill. The class began filing in, and Brittany took a seat next to me, while Professor Mcgonagall told the class to copy down the first chapter in the book. I started writing and saw that my ink cap had fallen off the table. I focused my eyes and it landed on my desk with a thud. Brittany glanced up shocked at what happened but luckily Harry Potter and a Weasley came running into the class. I immediately started making note. Late on first dayI finished writing my note and my transfiguration notes and got ready for my next class, potions. "So Brit, what class do you have next. I have potions.""Oh um I have free period." She said writing down the last paragraph."But we don't have free periods till in our older years.""Yeah I know, my dad and Snape have a special bond so I had to do potions since I could read. I'm in advanced potions. I have it 5th period.""But we have flying then.""Yeah I know, I hate heights so I don't go. Now you have to go to potions, you can meet up will Lola and Pansy. Ok bye." Brittany got up and left quickly. I got up and made my way to the dungeons I ran into a boy and dropped my books. I quickly picked them up and stared into the dark eyes of a african american boy. "So sorry I didn't mean to.""Yeah of course. I'm Blaise, Blaise Zabini.""Raven, Raven Black.""See you around, Black."He then went into the classroom leaving me breathless. "I suggest you go in Ms. Black." I turned around to see a man with a hooked nose and greasy black hair. I quickly went inside and sat next to Lola and Pansy. He started calling names.Snape finished calling the names and looked up at the class. His eyes were black and dead like. They were cold and empty and made you think of dark tunnels."You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making," he began. He spoke in barely more than a whisper, but I caught every word, Snape had the gift of keeping a class silent without effort. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death—if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."More silence followed that little speech."Potter!" said Snape suddenly. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"I quickly began taking note in my Harry Potter journal. I then took note of what it could do in my potions textbook. I turned out to be amazing at potions. Professor Snape smirked at me and gave me 5 points for slytherin. When the class was over we went to lunch. Brittany was already there. "Guess what! I'm an expert at potions too." She was about to say something when Draco sat next to me. Pansy came over and tap me on the shoulder. "Hey Raven can I talk to you about Potions in the library please?" She looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes so I went. We went up a deserted hallway when she threw me against a wall. "Listen here, Black, you better back off Draco, as in now. Stop sitting next to him or anything do you understand.""Yes but I-""DO YOU UNDERSTAND?""YES." She let go of me and skipped cheerfully down the hallway like a little pug-face pureblood princess. Pansy 1 Raven 0.After Lunch we had Flying. We all stood near a broom and were commanded to hold our right hand out and say up. Harry's went up quicker than mine. I was the first Slytherin to get it up. I saw Blaise do it also. Lola then stared at Blaise. He looked at her and winked.

"Ms. Summer please stop daydreaming and get your broom up." Madame Hooch said.

"Alright now on once you got a good grip on your brown I want you to mount it. When I blow my whistle I want each of you to kick off the ground keep your room study and hover for a moment and lean forward just a little and come straight down. On my whistle 1-2-3-" All of a sudden that Longbottom started flying and was hung from a tower and slips off having a sprained wrist.

"Everyone's feet must be firmly on the ground while I take Mr. Longbottom to the infirmary. Understand? If I see one person on their broom they will be expelled faster than you can say Quidditch." Draco Malfoy then took his little ball and then Harry flew after him. To trick Draco I followed them. I grabbed it from Draco and raced to Harry but Draco came, scared me and got the ball. He threw it at Harry and he then caught it and Professor Mcgonagall came and took me and Harry with her.

"I'm sorry professor but may I borrow Wood and Flint for a minute. For you Oliver I found you your seeker and for you Marcus I found you a chaser."

When I was eating supper, I over heard Draco go over to Harry telling them he challenged them to a wizard duel. I had never seen anyone, especially my cousins duel before, so I waited outside the Gryffindor common room under my invisibility cloak and followed them to the trophy room. When they started walking around in the room waiting for Draco I stepped on the end of my cloak. I heard a soft ripping so I headed to a locked door, locked it behind me, and covered the hole. I turned around and saw, to my horror, a 3 headed dog with a trapdoor beneath it, I ran so fast to the dungeons. I quickly took my cloak off, repatched it, and went to the bed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter 3: Blast from the Family Pass

It was Friday night, we were in our dorm and made an agreement to do our homework on Saturday. We were eating what muggles call popcorn, there was a big bowl in the middle and we all spread out around it. To break the ice I spoke up. "Can you believe that Harry Potter has become Seeker for the Gryffindor team? I think they're just desperate." Soon we were all gossiping. When we laughed our heads off about Seamus Finnigan blowing everything up Pansy Spoke up "So what are your family's like?" We had agreed to be nice and not to tell anyone about what happened at lunch. "I'm a pureblood and an only child. We only have 5 house-elves working for us and I live in Parkinson Palace." Lola then spoke up. "I'm a 3/4 blood, it is so awful, I'm so close to being a pureblood. My mum, is a pureblood, met him near the leaky cauldron and when it was their 2 year wedding anniversary my mum showed him to Diagon Alley and told him that she was a witch and then he said that he was a halfblood they were overjoyed. We live in Hogsmeade, my mom is a designer at Wizbang, hip clothes for teen witches and wizards." Pansy gasped. "Your mom works at Wizbang! OMG we need to go shopping together sometime" She then looked at Brittany and I. Brittany started "Well I have a fraternal twin and my mum has been widowed 7 times. I'm a pureblood and yeah. Oh my twin is Blaise Blaise Zabini." I nearly choked on the piece of popcorn I was eating. "Your brother is Blaise! That's cool." Pansy then looked at me wanting me to talk."Well what about your family?" "Oh well I don't really know. My mum died to save me though, it was October 31 and I was in the guest wing at the Potters. A crazy lady known as my aunt Bellatrix came in and lifted the invisibility cloak off me when and was about to kill me when my mother came in and got hit. It sort of bounced off of her and hit me in the eyes. The lady left and my dad came and put the invisibility cloak on me and on the motorcycle. He tried to get Harry but a mean giant said he had to take him and so my dad took me home and then left. When I never could find him I asked my house elf where he was and he was in Azkaban. I lived by myself for most of the time. Sometimes I go to my aunt- Oh Pansy you're going to like this part- go to my aunt Narcissa Malfoy husband of Lucius Malfoy, mother of Draco Malfoy." Pansy nearly choked on her popcorn. "Your related to Draco Malfoy.""Yep, why is that a problem?" I ask Pansy in a sarcastic voice."Hey, let's talk about boys!!" Lola exclaims. "i bet we all like Cedric Diggory if he wasn't a stinkin Hufflepuff but I have my eyes on your brother Brittany, Blaise. Doing Flying he smiled at me. Oh we are so going to go on a date!!" I was shocked. Was I going to be a good friend or arched Rival? Pansy flipped her short black hair saying "Well I like Draco Malfoy. In case you didn't know." Brittany then confessed. "I like a Gryffindor." Lola and Pansy gasped in horror but I thought that it was like Romeo and Juliet, a book my mother read. "His name is Dean Thomas. It was doing my passing period and an idiot dropped my books and he picked them up for me and winked." Pansy jumped up."You're in love with a Gryffindor! That's it, you're out of our group. What about you Raven? Are you going to be with her or us?" I looked at Brittany then looked at Lola and Pansy. "I'm sorry-" "Yeah that's right Brittany now your a loner." Lola said interrupting me."Pansy. Best friends don't break a friendship based off a guy. Now I'm going to bed before Pansy and Lola can find another way to ruin everything." I got my pjs and went to the bathroom, I took an ice cold shower and went to bed. 

Pansy 1 Raven 1 

I woke up early to see Brittany gone. I saw a hard small case opened with a silk swab and cleaning rod sticking out of her trunk. I used an advanced spell to track her footprints on a pair of muggle eyeglasses. I then, case touching them could ruin them, I brought to my face they turned my eyes blue and I saw foot prints appear. I went all the way to the seventh floor where the tracks stopped. People were starting to come out of the hallways to breakfast and I realized I still had my pink pjs on. I sprinted down the stairs and went to the dungeons where people were snickering I went in my dorm and changed clothes. 

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Chapter 4: Halloween Horrors

We had charms the day before Halloween day. The trio was in a big argument and I didn't see Hermione for the rest of the day. I did all my homework and fell asleep and dreamed of all the pranks to play on Halloween. I woke up at precisely 11:55. I then got in my mother's white silk gown and realized that 10 years ago my mother died to save me. I wiped a tear away then drank a potion I had been brewing to make it look like I was a ghost it lasted 8 hours. I then got a knife and then made it look like the knife was in me, I put a muggle Blond wig on and looked at myself. I didn't recognize me. I then started 'haunting'. Once everyone in my dorm was scared I fell asleep. I woke up and went downstairs at 7:45. People were up and I started to scare them. When the effects wore off people saw it was me and shot me smirks. "Nice work cuz." I saw Draco smirk.I then got dressed packing some of my own inventions for a scare and skipped down to the great hall. I was greeted by pumpkins everywhere. I got myself some pumpkin pancakes and pumpkin juice and saw Brittany come and was frightened. I smirked and went to my classes. I played a prank on nearly every teacher at the school, except Dumbledore. All the professors thought it was some weasleys. As I was heading to lunch I saw two identical red heads.

"Hello there-"

"I'm Fred and that's-"

"George Weasley. We-"

"Heard that you-"

"Are master of-"

"PRANKS!" They said it together.

"Yeah that's me. Ms. Raven Black, queen of pranks and inventions." I opened my robe and they saw all the treats. 

"When did-

"You have"

"Time to"

"Do them."

"I live by myself. Now if you'll excuse me."I then ran to supper and sat next to Brittany. We ate everything pumpkin and it was wonderful. I noticed that someone was missing from the staff table. But then he came running in. "T-T-Troll in the D-D-Dungeon j-j-just t-t-though you should know." Professor Quirrell then fainted. Everyone panicked. "Calm down. Will prefects please lead their students back to their common room and professors please follow me to the dungeons." Professor Dumbledore spoke. I then saw Professor Snape suddenly leave. A thought hit my head. "Brittany our common room is in the Dungeon." She then took my hand and we went up to the seventh floor she walked back and forth 3 times and ran inside.

It had a roaring fire and a feast and a sofa. "Where are we?"

"Room of requirements I practice my flute here. That's where I have been. Playing my flute. Don't tell anyone please. I do competions to earn my own money." Brittany looked up and I nodded. I then heard two sets of footsteps run past. While Brittany was dozing off I followed them. I saw the troll and quietly slipped in a stall while I watched it all. Then the troll used his club and swung all the stall doors. HERMIONE saw me and said. "Raven over here." I slid down there and then Ron Weasley killed it off, well knocked it out. I then saw Harry and Ron staring at me and I then hid under the rubble when the professors came. Later on I heard Quirrell's voice.

"Ragini, where are you?"

"Under here, help." He moved away the rubble. He then took his wand and took a silver wisp out of my head. He took the wisp and corked it. Soon the memory was fading. I went to bed and fell asleep.

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Chapter 5: Nicholas Flamel and New Friends

I went to breakfast and saw that Harry had gotten a broom and that I had gotten one too. The game was today. Fred and George looked shocked at me. A few minutes later a yowling pain was in my head. My vision turned blurry and the extra chaser flew in as I flew out. I saw blackness and woke up in the hospital wing.

It was a few minutes after the game. I changed into a purple poncho and jeans and black combat boots. Lola was putting on extra makeup consisting of pink eyeshadow to match her pink highlights and a light pink lipstick. She then started putting her hair in bun"Woah is there a beauty pageant." I exclaim."No I'm going to talk to Blaise. Now move it before Pansy sees you." I grabbed my leather bag and grabbed my mum's old hatbox and shrunk it putting it in my bag. Then I left the dorm and went to a small bookshelf for my potions essay and then headed outside to do my homework. While I was looking a boy was making his way toward the stairs but stopped in his tracks when he saw me. He came over and I dropped the books I was holding, it was Blaise. He picked them up and handed them to me where I put them in my leather bag. "Hi, Blaise right. I'm friends with your sister, Brittany.""Yeah, that's cool, so where you heading?"" 'Wherever the wind takes me' sorry that's a quote I like. I'm going to the black lake to do my homework. I think there is a girl in my dorm who wants to talk to you." Just then Lola came out of the girls dorm and Blaise looked weary. I turned around and made my way to the great hall where I grabbed a piece of toast and an apple and went to the black lake. I started on my potions essay and finished around noon. I ate my apple and kicked my shoes off and stuck them in the lake. The cold water lapped around my ankles. I then saw Harry, a girl with bushy hair, and the weasly. I got my mum's hatbox out and unshrunk it and used my eyes to get the invisibility cloak and went down to Hagrid's Hut. When I got there the door was closed, I focused my eyes and it swung open, Hagrid, Harry, Weasley, and Hermione stared at the door. I slipped in when Hagrid went over to close it. 

"Must er binn the wind. Eh what were we talking about again."

"What you took from You-know-who's vault and why there is a three headed dog in the school."" How did you find out about Fluffy-"

"Fluffy that thing has a name." The Weasley said

"O course, it has to have a name don't it. Besides what that dog is guarding is between me, Professor Dumbledore, and the whole staff. Oh and course Nicholas Flamel."

"Who?!" "Should'nt have said that just forget that.

"We think Snape is up to something he almost killed me at my quidditch match." I was shocked it must has happened during the match.

"Look Snape is guarding it. Now get out of here." I went to the door and opened it and waited outside. I then followed them back to the castle. My footsteps were really loud and they kept turning their head. When Harry reached his hand back I ran for it. They were running right behind me. I jumped in the Black Lake. I swam to the other side and hid in the forbidden forest. "Raven, we're not suppose to be in here." I turned around and saw Hermione, Harry, and Weasly staring at me. I did an air dry and went to my bag and put my invisibility cloak away, which they did not notice. I made my way up to the library and they were still following me. 

"Look can I help you, I'm not in the mood."

"Have you been following me? You were there doing the troll accident, taking notes whenever I do something, and being near me in almost every class." Harry said. I turned to make a run for it but Harry grabbed my left wrist. I screamed in pain. He turned my wrist over and saw the words Watch over HarryOR ELSEI then saw my vision blur. "Harry what's happening to her eyes." The Weasley said. I then saw Professor Quirrell come over and seeing blackness

I woke up and saw myself in the hospital wing. Professor Quirrell next to me."What happened?""Potter touch your 'scar' if you will and you sort of screamed and fainted. But don't worry he didn't see it. I oblivated him and put a charm on your 'scar where only you can see it. Now I believe Mr. P-P-Potter, Mr. W-W-Weasley, and Ms. Gr-Gr-Granger w-w-would l-l-like to s-s-ee you."He said this backing away and Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley came in. "Hey guys." I then just realized my voice was horace. "Is anyone looking?" They shook their heads no. I focused on the pitcher in the corner and pour a glass of water and brought the cup to me. "How are you doing that?" Hermione asked trying to do it."I don't know I always could. Before we get any further. What's your name?" I asked pointing at Weasly. 

"Me, I'm Ron."

"Look I'm sorry I followed you I'm just so so lonely. I don't have any friends." The thought came to me and I looked up and saw Harry and Ron buying it. 

"That's all right you can help by getting information about Snape. Meet us in the library tomorrow."" Harry said

"Now you better go before the Slytherins come. If you need to contact me just send by owl." They then got up and left right when Brittany came in. "Hey heard you weren't doing well, don't come back to the common room though, Lola made tissues flowers everywhere, my brother said she wore too much makeup and so it looks like a crime scene in there." My heart lightened up a bit. "That is so cool. Anywho I bet more people will be coming bye." She then got up and left. Right when I was going to fall asleep Blaise came in. He saw me 'asleep' and sat on my bed and played with a piece of hair. He then got his red roses and put them in the pot holder and kissed my forehead. He then left as I dreamed of new friends and love.

I got up and went to my dorm. I dressed in all black, like what I wore to the zoo, and started doing my late homework. When the sun came up I went down stairs and saw Blaise asleep on the couch. I thought about what I should do, take Blaise for myself or let Lola have him. I then got up and went to Lola's side, it had tissues everywhere. I then sat on her bed and woke her up.

"What do you want?"

"I think I can help you with Blaise." She brightened up then asked.

"Why do you want to do that?"

"Because I care about you, come on." I got her up and brought her to the bathroom I told her to take a shower she came out wearing a hot pink robe. I then straightened her hair and gave her some soft blush, eyeliner, and some lip balm. I then clothed her in hot pink tank with a black sweater and black legging. "Now go down stairs and clumsily fall he will wake up and ba da bing." I then let her go as I went to the breakfast. I ate my toast and then went to the library. I went to the desk and got all the books related to Nicholas Flamel. I then heard some people burst in the library. It was Harry, Hermione, and Ron. They then both spread out and kept looking. Around after lunch I got up and took a walk. Once school started again on Monday things were the same old same old, or so I thought.

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Chapter 6: Tis the Season to be frightened

I sat near the Gryffindor table where Ron was playing chess and Harry trying to get the hang of it.

"Oh can I play." Ron looked shocked.

"Um Sure."

In a few moves I was about to win when Hermione came with her trunk. Ron looked up,

"All packed I see."

"And you not packed."

"My parents are visiting Charlie in Romania so I'm staying here."

"Good then you can help Raven and Harry look for Nicholas Flamel."

"Checkmate." I exclaim. I got up and skipped out. I saw Pansy and Lola laughing. They were both leaving so Brittany and I got the common room to ourselves. When Brittany wanted to go wave off to her brother, who was leaving for holidays, I got started wrapping presents. I got Ron a fine wizard chess set, Harry some new Quidditch gloves that had his name and seeker on it with a sweatshirt, and Hermione a new black leather school bag with new ink and quill. For Brittany I got best friend necklaces, I got Lola some candy and Pansy nothing. For Draco I decided to give him my old broom, I had quit the team later on. I then saw my dad's old dog tag necklace. I imprinted on it

Merry Christmas Blaise!

Love, Secret Admirer

And on the other side.

Roses Red Violets Blue

Your sweet and I like you

Feel free to owl me

You are the key

to my Heart.

I then wrapped them up and sent them on owls. I then went to bed.

I woke up from Brittany pouncing on me.

"Merry Christmas Rav!"

"You too" I turned on my side and tried to go back to sleep.

"You don't want to open presents."

"I have presents. I never get presents." I then saw some presents near my bed. I got a nice green scarf with my initials from Ron saying his mom made it, a nice journal from Harry, and the complete works of Shakespeare from Hermione. I got a outfit set and make-up kit from Brittany and a letter from Lola for a free accessory to Wizbang. I then saw two more, one gold and one black, I took one and it was a gold charm with a watch with emeralds on it. I noticed it opened like a locket and there was photo of me near the black lake. on the other side it said,

Merry Christmas Raven!

Love, B Z

"That is so pretty, who is it from?" I closed the watch before she could see the initials.

"I don't know, there's no card."

I took the other and it was rose ring. I slipped it on and it fit. I then put the outfit Brittany got me the ring, bracelet, necklace, and the scarf. I went to the great hall and thanked Ron and Harry. I got some breakfast and decided to take a hot shower. I went to the dorm and saw Brittany gone so I took my time. When I was changing I then noticed the locket that was stuck on me. I took the chain and used some spells with my wand which backfired. I focused my eyes and it clicked open. I then took it off and went to Quirrel.

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Chapter 7: Secrets and Promises

I decided to wait until later to go to Quirrel. Harry came up to me at dinner and slipped me a note.

Meet me in the library tonight

HJP

I shoved the note in my pocket and made eye contact and said "I will try." I then got up and went to the dorm. Brittany was in there cleaning her flute. I then messed with my ring and tried to take it off but my hands didn't let me.

"Brittany, this ring is driving me crazy, I feel like that it has magic in it. Shoot a simple spell at me."

"Okay, ooh Slienco." The spell came at me and a sliver shell protected me and hit her.

"Finite Incomplete. That is so cool." Later that night when Brittany fell asleep I took the weird locket and invisibility cloak and made my way to the library. I saw Harry and followed him. Then Filch's Cat Mrs.Norris Appeared. We ran into a deserted classroom with a strange mirror. When Harry was looking through the mirror and I keeping watch I wondered what he was seeing. He then left to go show Ron so I went up to the mirror. I saw a girl with long black hair and my dad. I then saw Blaise Zabini. I then got up and went to look for Quirrell.

I found him but not in a common way. He was being held by Snape. Professor Quirrell muttered some things and Snape diappeared.

Professor Quirrell led me to his office and I told him everything over tea. When I finished I was not expecting what was about to happen. A cold rasped voice spoke up again,

"You foolish girl. What's I come back to human form you will be mine. You must protect the necklace until then. Do you promise?" I looked up from fright and shook my head.

"No, I want to be a normal witch." I turned to leave but Quirrell bonded me and took my Rose ring off. He then put a silencer on me and crucio me leaving me screaming silently. I slowly blacked out and fainted. I woke up in his office again with my rose ring on.

"Ah look who's up, Have we come to an agreement?" He came in with a tea tray, biscuits, and waffles. I slowly nodded.

"Master are you ready."

"You must 'like' Harry and focus on him as your priority. Live with him you will become an animagus of his owl. Quirrell can help you with that. That is all. You know the spell Quirrell." Quirrel then spoke a spell and I fainted yet again and woke up with it imprinted on my left wrist. The locket I tried to give up was now a charm on my watch. I walked around Quirrell's Office when he came in. He told me "Let's begin, now if I'm mistaken your father taught you these. I believe your patronus is a type of dog, now find your love of owls have your memory be of owls and shoot your patronus." I focused and shot my patronus it was a snowy owl.

"Good now shoot it in this goblet and immediately drink it." I did this and drank it down. I then thought of the snowy owl Harry had and transformed. I immediately shrunk down and saw in the mirror I was his owl. Except for my eyes and the little black specs on the inside of my wings.

"Oh well transform back. Wait try to fly around." He then picked me up and set me on a table. I flapped my wings and fell on the ground.

"Alright transform back." I did and he told to keep practicing and then blacked me out. I woke up in the hospital wing and was the only one. I hopped up and made my way to the dorm. On my way I saw Professor Dumbledore make his way there. I shrugged it off and went to the dorm.

"OMG! Raven you're all right. I was so worried. What's wrong?"

"I wish I didn't exist. I want to tell everything but I can't." I start sobbing. Brittany pulls me into a hug.

"Come on. Let's take a walk and try to tell me." I grabbed my blue trench coat and made my way outside. We walked around the black lake, near Hagrid's hut, and I lead Brittany to a small clearing in the forbidden forest.

"Brittany what I'm about to tell you is completely confidential. It has to be a secret, promise me. I'm going to show just one thing." I focused on the owl and I transformed. I looked up at Brittany who picked me up. I opened my wings and flew a few feet before I crashed down. I transformed back and Brittany was shocked.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Hey Emerald, happy review day!

So I think the idea with this fan fiction was actually pretty great. I like the idea of there being someone else besides Harry who survived the night. Great story twists too, I can see that you're beginning to build this world to your liking (and that is a very good thing!).

There are some technical and story-based things I want to go over with you, if you don't mind. So, let's begin with the fact that there are multiple chapters in this one post. It's not a very serious problem, but if you break down the chapters and post them separately, I'm sure that you will get a lot more feedback. But that's just my personal opinion, so you rock on.

Okay, let's start! As I go on, the review may sound increasingly harsh. But don't let that discourage you, please. Every writer begins bad, and I'm pretty sure I was worse! I'll just point out some things I think you might want to fix, and you can do whatever you want with that.

First of all, the story's too rushed. I was struggling to get a grasp on everything that was happening throughout the whole thing. You might want to put more details into each action. Tell us how the window broke, and how the bed creaked when someone jumped on it. You have to build a world with sensations and imagery, so that you can pull someone into it.

And most importantly, emotions and thoughts. Underline that, since I have no idea how to. Sorry! Anyway, since this is a first-person POV story, you've got to have a truckload of emotions and inner thoughts. Underline that too. A truckload of them. Okay, maybe not so much, but you get what I mean. Right now you seem to have some of those going on, but personally I feel that you have to have a lot more. You have to let your readers know your character better and actually care about what happens to her.

Okay, I think I said enough about the story. Let's move onto the technical things. Firstly, paragraphs. You have got to have paragraphs. I don't want to sound harsh about this, but the lack of paragraphs is what bats most readers away at the first glance. People don't like reading gigantic chunks of text.

Also, here's the rule; one paragraph gets one person's worth of dialogue. If a new speaker is introduced, the new speaker gets another paragraph. If the dialogues are all mashed up, it's hard to identify which speaker and even harder to read.

I'll just top this review with three more things. First of all, more character development. I just don't see a distinct character trait in your main character. Second of all, you've got to try hard to not make anyone a Mary Sue. In other words, nobody should be pretty/handsome, have a handful of cool magical powers and be sweet/nice. Lastly, it'd be best if you didn't use 'OMG' in a dialogue. It made me wince when I read it.

Overall, I see a lot of potential in this work. Good job!

Keep on writing, Mephis

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Sun Jul 26, 2015 3:45 pm

Hey there! I'm here for a review.

Formatting
The formatting as it is now is very difficult to read and breaks several grammar rules. You have many long, long paragraphs, which are the main thing that makes this difficult to read. Remember to make a new paragraph whenever there is a new line of dialogue. You got better about this in the later chapters, but the first few are so long that they are confusing. For chapter titles, you can put them in bold or in larger font.

Also, it would probably be better to split everything up so it's not quite so long. Having seven chapters at once is hard to read in one sitting, and that's probably why you haven't gotten much feedback on this.

The Story
So, clearly this is a Harry Potter AU, and clearly you aren't sticking entirely to canon. That's fine, but you want to be careful about what you change or readers will be confused and annoyed. Also, once you set the new rules, you have to stick to them. And no matter what, it's probably better to keep the original characters in character.

1. Your prologue is very implausible. No matter how smart your character is, she is only 1 year old. There is no way she would understand to remain silent while people are dying and there is a lot of commotion.

Also, she wouldn't be able to describe the scene with that level of clarity. She wouldn't be able to see very well, for one thing, since she's in a crib. For another, she wouldn't understand what was going on. In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, we see a flashback to this night from Voldemort's point of view, and little Harry isn't scared at first because he doesn't understand what's going on - he thinks his parents are just playing with him.

Finally, you have James rip his invisibility cloak in half and send part of it away while tossing the other part over Raven. This contradicts canon in that on that night, the cloak was in Dumbledore's possession. James had given it to him because Dumbledore wanted to examine it. Also, this is the invisibility cloak. It's immensely powerful. It's one of the Deathly Hallows - there's no way James would be able to rip it by hand. And if he could, why would he throw it over Raven instead of his own child?

Honestly, I would just cut the prologue. It's just too implausible, and it's even more implausible that Raven could remember it. Of that same night, all Harry could remember was a high, cold laugh and a lot of green light. You don't really need it - you can just start straight with her getting ready to go to Hogwarts and being given the locket. You can fill in the backstory through other means.

One last implausible thing - Gryffindors and Slytherins absolutely hate each other. Harry wouldn't be likely to be friends with Raven, and even if they were friends the other Slytherins would probably hate Raven for it. Just something to keep in mind.

Overall, I wish you luck with this story, and I'm sorry if I sounded overly negative. I do love reading Harry Potter fanfiction. Just work on the formatting and the implausibility, and you could have the makings of a fine story. :)

User avatar
Lorelie
Review

Hi there Emerald,

I don't know why I stopped here, but I had this urge of reading it, and getting to try the YWS sandwich (omnom). Oh, I'm sorry I had to stop by the middle of chapter 1... but I hope I can review it later.

*enters critique sandwich mode*

Okay, first I'd like to tell the title (and synopsis) really hooked me up. I haven't been to the HP universe for long (so I found out I forgot most of it) but it was good that it reminded me of some things. I'd like to know why it's not on the Fanfiction section...

All in all I liked the first paragraphs (and the way it all seems to glue to the original story). The only problem is the paragraphs need to be broken down. Let's see an example.

*points at chapter 1, paragraph two*

Between the end of the letter and the change of scene I would change paragraph - twice at least. I see you've also got an issue with outlining chapter change. You should choose only one type of symbol (dashes OR squiggles) but (I guess) there are better ways to do the same job.

So, I think with the right outline you can get to turn your work more readable. There's a lot more to say, yes, but I'll leave it for when you edit it (just let me know when you do).

The dashs are for chapter breaks and the suiggles are like later on or you know in books they put like little dots to reference later on.

Great first review, Lorelie! Keep it up!



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