Introduction
Now let me say, I never thought being killed would take you to a land of blocks. Oops, guess you don't know my name, or how I got killed. Well, I don't remember my real name really. But all I know is my name is LinkM2012. So, one night i'm driving on a highway stuck in traffic and this stupid drunk biker driving in between the cars like an idiot bumped into MY car so my car just hit the car next to me which ended up falling off the side of the bridge. I stuck my head out my window and yelled at the biker on the other side of the bridge still riding. So i'm sitting in my car for who knows how long and that guy that's car that got pushed off the bridged stood at my driver said window and pulled his gun on me. Apparently this guy was some sort of law breaker. "Hey, dude, I didn't bump into your car on purpose, some biker bumped into me and made me push your car off the edge" I said fearfully. "Sure, like that's true" The man said mad pointing the gun now between my eyes. Now all of you are thinking that he's gonna shoot me, right? we'll, that didn't happen at all. After that I could hear screaming coming from behind my car and looked over out the window. The bridge was collapsing and purple smoke was rising from the end of the bridge. Purple balls of fire started flying over the bridge, hitting cars and making them blow up. Once there was a hole for me to driver through I stepped on the pedal. The man back at where I was at was shooting at me helplessly. As I was driving I was dodging holes in the bridge, dodging the fire balls. And with my luck, I drove straight into one of those holes, off the bridge, and into rising purple flames. I thought I was for sure dead, but apparently, I got a second chance. Well, I guess it's a second chance. I woke up on a soft dirt ground, tall grass around me. I stood up and looked at my hands. They were blocks. I was wearing some sort of green costume, a green scarf around my mask, robot arms, and a bullet proof vest. I looked at the sun way above me. It was at least noon. I looked around me. Everything was all block and all pixel. As the sun was starting to set I thought I should make some shelter. I grabbed some branches off tree's and managed to make them into planks of wood. I started placing them down, making the front wall. Then the left, Then the right, Finally the back and the roof. I managed to make a door and placed it down to make an entrance. I made the floor wood, but kept some dirt to lay down on and sleep. After a while it turned night. I looked out the tiny window of my door and saw skeletons out side. What the heck? I thought to my self. I decided before I lay down and slept I made a makeshift axe and kept it by me if anything somehow got into the house. As I lay down I noticed how lonely it was here. No family or friends to be with me. But the next day, that all changed.
Chapter one: Red eyes, YOU BETTER RUN!
Chapter two: Making a friend
As the purple laser shoots through the blocks above me, I open my eyes and look around the wall. The figure was still standing there. It looked like Mew two to me. I know this because I am mostly a Pokemon geek and I know any Pokemon's face whenever I see one. It's eye's have gone purple now. It started walking towards me. I put my hand around the wall and say "Don't shoot!" I stand up and walk around the wall looking right at what I guessed was Mew two. "Are you LinkM2012?" The Mew two asked. "Y-Yes..." I said studding. "I-I think I am..." "You think you are? you must be so stupid if you don't know your name. The Mew two took her hands and moved them and a purple screen appeared. "Yep, Your him alright" The screen faded away. I felt like running or pulling out a weapon but I was to afraid to move. "Where have you been?" She asked. "H-Here..." "For ten years?" The Mew two asked. I stood frozen. "I-I've spent ten years in the real world" I said nervously. "Guess you don't remember me then do you Link?" I stood there, frozen, scared and confused. "Well, do you or do you not?" "I guess I don't, Where I'm from there are no Pokemon" Mew two stomped her foot on the ground and looked at me. 'You don't remember any of it, do you?" "No, I don't" I said, starting to get annoyed. "Does this bring back anything, Your name, Your real name" I sat there watching. "Keldeo" Mew two said staring at me. "Wha-What? Di-Did you just say I'm a-" "Yep, I said it and it's the truth" The Mew two said. "If you don't remember i'll explain to you later, right now, we have bigger problems" Mew two said. "Oh, and just call me Mew" "OK" I said. She handed me some sort of hammer.
"What is this?" I asked. "A crafting hammer, Here let me place an anvil down and give you some enchanted books" Mew placed down an anvil and handed me some glowing books. "Just put your bow on there along with the book and strike it with your hammer" I placed my bow and the glowing book on the table. I raised my hammer and struck down on the anvil. Instead of being a boring wooden bow, it was a glowing silver bow. I held it in my hands, it glowing purple. "So, what are we going against Mew?" "The EnderMen" She said. "EnderMen?" I asked confused. "Their the most powerful race alive. Skin as tough as nails, Arms strong as blades" "So... What are we going to do? "Grab your bow then grab my hand" I took some leather i saw on the ground and made a strap so I can put my bow on my back. I grabbed Mew's hand and we appeared outside a building made of a black rock. "Its obsidian" Mew said. "Only one way to break it" "Explosives?" I asked. "No, your sword" "My sword?" I asked confused. "Yes, your sword" "I didn't craft one" I said. "Not that, just focus on all your strength" Mew said. "Focus. On. My .Strength" A big blue sword appeared in my hand. I didn't know it was there so when I felt something heavy in my hand I looked down and was like... Oh my god. "What are you waiting for keldeo? bust the wall open!" I put the sword over my head and charged at the wall. The sword jabbed into it and it crumbled to black dust. Hordes of EnderMen were in side. Holding weapons, wearing armor. Mew charged in kicking, punching and grabbing there swords and using it against them. I grabbed the bow off my back and shot the glowing purple arrow into the horde of EnderMen. As it got close it just fell to the ground. "That was bad..." But then soon after water started flooding and the EnderMen's skin burned off. "Nice shot keldeo!" I then pulled out my sword and charged for one of the EnderMen fighting Mew. Then, an EnderMen appeared behind me and after I knew, I was gone. Locked in a cell. Mew in another across from mine. "That one had red eyes, It can teleport us if he grabs us, and he took us here" Mew said. "Hey, can you get your sword?" "No, i'm to weak to, sorry" I said tiredly. "Well how are we gonna get out?"
TO BE CONTINUED...
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Hey, EmeraldLinks!
First off, I must say I loved your creativity with your story. I remember being your age and making up stories like this all the time. It's great that you're writing these ideas down at such a young age! The way you transferred from reality to Minecraft was genius! And, I love how you incorporated Mewtwo in it.
However, I have a few suggestions
Instead of saying "Oops, guess you don't know my name, or how I got killed.", try saying "Wait, wait, wait. You don't know my name or how I got killed, do you?" That would make the introduction flow better
When you wrote "Well, I don't remember my real name really.", you could substitute a different adjective or adverb in for real or really. I find http://thesaurus.com/ very helpful in situations like this, so I would recommend going there often. For instance, they have 20 synonyms for purple, which you used in your paragraphs quite often.
When you say "But all I know is my name is LinkM2012.", it kind of insinuates that you don't know how you got killed, but clearly you do, so maybe you could say, "I forget my real name, but my name now is LinkM2012" Of course, later you mention that your name is Kaldeo, so I'm not really sure how you could word the start. It all depends on your plot. If his real name was Kaldeo, then say "I forgot my real name when I fell into this blocky world, and instead used the name LinkM2012," but if his name is Kaldeo in the universe where he remembers Mewtwo, then say what you said, only mention that Kaldeo wasn't your real name like, "I never remember having the name Kaldeo. I mean, I don't recall my real name at the moment, but for sure it wasn't Kaldeo." or something.
"So, one night i'm driving on a highway stuck in traffic and this stupid drunk biker driving in between the cars like an idiot bumped into MY car so my car just hit the car next to me which ended up falling off the side of the bridge." seems like a run-on sentence. You could add a comma after traffic. After you mention MY car once, you can replace it with "it". Do you see where I'm referring to? "-MY car so my car-" Ya? You got it? Ya you got it. *fist bump* I also got a little confused and thought the biker was on an actual bike and not a motorcycle, so you may want to mention he wasn't on a little stick with two wheels and on a full-blown metal hog. You can also add "barely" after "just" in "-my car just hit the car next to me-", to make it flow better.
A couple technical critiques now. Mewtwo doesn't need a space in between Mew and two (I looked it up). EnderMen could be the name of the race, but when you're talking about one singular dude, you can call it an Enderman or enderman.
Your paragraphs should be spaced whenever you introduce a new topic. Most of the time, introductions are separate from the rest of the prologue. Also, new paragraphs are started every time a new person speaks. So, your conversations between Mew and Kaldeo would be like:
"Blah," I said.
"Blah blee blah," Mew responded.
"oaihfoih"
"Osdihs"
And so on and so forth. Don't worry if it's hard to judge when to start a new paragraph. It get's easier the more you try.
Well, I could go on, but I feel like I've tortured you enough with my review. Lol. Keep working on it. Never give up writing, it's a lifelong skill. I still can't believe you're writing at such a young age. That's awesome.
Ok, thank you for your time.
~Lithor
Hi,
I love minecraft! But a few nitpicks.
This story is all bunched up, there were barely any paragraphs.
There is no need for that space between "my" and "self".
Keldeo is a name, correct? If so, you need to capitalize the "K".
A typo, with the "i" because you have kept up with your I's, so I thought I would point it out for you to fix
There is also a problem with spacing, but it was mostly with the dialogue spacing so...
The "I" needs to be capitalized.
If you need help, I am always here to help.
All in all, I like the plot.
Raven,
Thanks for telling me, I'll go back and edit that stuff. I got stuck into actually writing the story instead of making paragraphs. Thanks for checking my story out!