I stare at you,
You stare back
And quickly turn your head
The other way
I wonder if by those seconds
You can see everything in me
I don't know how
But I know when it happens
I'm not in despair
I know that I wont parish
Without a piece of you
But I don't know if it will happen
Like I want it to
In my heart I have futures planned
And stories written
I have them set in stone
But all it take is you to shatter
The heart I save for you
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hey Emely! I'm RepublicOfCoter but you can call me ROC. I'll be your reviewer and, by the way, I'm new to YWS so I may be a bit rusty when it comes to the review.
I enjoyed this poem but I felt it was quite difficult to read this without any stanzas (look at peanut19 for definition). If you could please somehow break it into some distinctive parts, this poem will be quite enjoyable. Last thing I'd like to point out - always check your spelling before you submit something even if you have to us the check spelling button, it just makes any piece of writing good. Last thing, the new ration is more like 1:1; believe me, I JUST received an email that I need to review more and that that was the ratio: 1 review for every 1 poem.
Continue to write poems and you could go far. If you would like to check out how are poem should be structured, please check out my profile and my poems and fill free to review them and have a look and kingolions' profile.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
As I lay down on my bed, I look up at the sky, the stars and the moon, and I think to myself - where the hell is the ceiling
Hey. Firstly, I think the ratio is more like 2:1 now, but I may be wrong too. I did like this poem, and it is good for a first try. What I do need to say is that you said, 'I know that I wont parish' There is two things wrong with this line. The first is that you need an apostrophe in don't, and the other is that I think you meant to say perish, not parish. Two very different words. Other than that, it is very good.
Emely! Hello again
I know you are new to YWS and we sorta have this rule. It's a ratio so that everything is kept in balance. I'm not one hundred percent sure on the exact numbers but last I checked it was 3:1 (it could have changed though). That's three reviews by you per every one poem, story, work you post of your own.
Like your other poem I see that this is lacking punctuation. This is tricky for some beginners in the world of poetry. I don't pretend to be an expert on it but I always make sure there are end marks. Just read through it and put them where you would pause or stop.
This was my favorite part. If you broke it down into a stanza (which most poems are made of) this would be the last one. It is the most poetic of all the other lines in this poem. It has emotion and I think it would be good if you kept this part and maybe revised the rest of the poem. You've created a shell with the other words but it's lines like these that will breath life into your poem.
Do you see how I have the you's bolded? I did that because they are a little repetitive. You isn't really a word that you would change because of redundancy but here you can reword the last line so that it sounds better. You could just change it to: The heart I'm saving. Or change saving to some other word, you get the idea
I hope this helped. And you are a good poet so don't think that you aren't.
~peanut~