Published June 18, 2010
As my days pass, my time also ticks.
My expiration date is getting close.
Although the day I will not pick.
How I'll leave has already been chose.
I want to go as I doze.
I want to leave as I sleep.
I want to go without pain,
and leave without shame.
I'm living everyday hoping it's my last.
Maybe if it happens I can forget my past.
Maybe if I die I'll forget the pain.
Maybe if I'm dead they'll finally forget my name.
My past is the cause of it all.
My stupid mistakes, the reason of my fall.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
A few parts, mainly the "been chose" line and the last couplet seem really forced. I appreciate the feeling behind this poem, but I really wish it were a little less common and imaginative. I have nothing against raw emotion in poems, in fact I'm quite a fan, but I just wish this piece had a little more substance in the way or language and rhythm. The right diction could really make it a very powerful poem. I would suggest first changing out a few words for words that mean the same thing but with a more specific connotation or a better sound.
Hello Emely! Welcome to YWS!
I loved the way you wrote this! Every line made me want more, and thats really good, obviously. I just wonder, I know that you don't feel this way, but where did you get the inspiration? If you don't mind telling me.
I loved this! Great wording!
If you want any other reviews, just PM me!
-Eyes
No its not autobiographical
But thank anyways (:
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. The first two lines really drew me in. The emotion comes across very powerfully.
I'd change the second two as the twisted syntax and forced rhyme make them sound unnatural.
I love the internal rhyme of the second stanza, it's really great. I think the following couplets are very effective sound-wise, but I'd try experimenting with something more visual. Show us how the speaker feels through a relation of the past, and how she interacts with others and how she appears rather than telling is directly.
And if this is autobiographical do talk to someone close to you about it, you shouldn't have to feel like this alone.
Hope this helps.
Jas