Published June 9, 2010
I can't believe
Were my thoughts are with you
I know
I cant ever be the center
The center of your life
Like you are mine
How can such high hope
Fall so hard?
I want you to know
I don't want to let go
I wish you could see
That just by a smile form you
You change my life to light
Oh, God save me from undone
I hate you
For this torture
For this feeling in my self
But when i see you i cant help
But love you
Will this broken fairytale be the end of me?
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hey Emely!
Peanut19 took the words right from my mouth. Like I said in my last review of your other poem, you need to check spelling, punctuation and grammar. These are important especially in the style of writing your writing in. With these mistakes, a little bit of enjoyment is lost - that's how I look at it. The part I loved most was:
If I could read these lines over and over again in my head, I would be nothing but a lifeless corpse.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
peanut19 basically covered what I wanted to say.
Overall, I liked the poem. It could use some fixing up in regards to puncuation and spelling.
It was a good poem, and it really spoke to me.
Good work with future poems!
- RedRaven
peanut19 basically just pinpointed all the mistakes- but other then that- i find these lyrics very beautiful. Anyone can relate to this if they had one had a unrequited love [coughcough me coughcough] i loved it! very movingg. keep on the good work! The title is my favorite part. It's why I chose to read it. Keep on writing!
< my favorite lines (: <3good job!
/./. Hikari~Mocha .\.\
Hello there Emelyeverafter and welcome to yws!
I think that peanut19 did a good job at pinpointing the spelling mistakes. I think your poem needs some punctuation so that some ideas can be understood. The whole poem just reads out as one idea and sometimes I get lost because of that. Besides that other problem I had, I thought that you did a pretty good job here. I absolutely thought that your poem was emotional and I loved it. Well, that's about it.
Looking forward to more stuff from you.
Ziggie
Hi Emely welcome to YWS! I'm gonna be reviewing your poem today
I'm breaking it into stanza's so it's easier to review. Okay there need to be punctuation. With out it it's really hard to read this because it's like one endless sentence until the question mark in the next stanza. I'm putting in marks where they need to go so you can see how different it is. Also in the second line I think you mean "where" instead of "were"
You repeat "the center of your life" why? It sounds odd to say it twice unless there is some underlying meaning that I don't see. I would reword it so that you don't have to say it two times but you still get that the feelings between the two people are different. I really like the third and fourth lines
Maybe you could switch "change" to "bring" instead. I think that would sound better and would make more sense. The second line doesn't really make sense. Undone is definitely not the word I would choose here, maybe add a verb like "coming" before it.
You say in the fifth line from this feeling in myself (which is one word). Maybe something like in my heart instead. It would give it more emotion and it would show that love is what someone is keeping the narrator from. Capitalize those I's
Overall I think this was a good poem. There were some issues with the end marks but that's easily sorted out
PM me if you have any questions. I hope that I helped.
~peanut~