I know I haven’t written that much so far but I have been struggling terribly with the opening lines of the chapter. Just please, based on what I HAVE written, let me know what you think. Specifically what you think of the opening line and paragraph. I will love you forever if you give me feedback!!! Thanks.
Chapter One
Though the tile beneath my feet was cold, it wasn’t the reason for the shiver that went up my spine. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what was to come. It wasn’t a bad feeling as much as it was a nervous one. But either way, it was monopolizing my thoughts to the point where I couldn’t even focus enough to make popcorn properly. I cursed under my breath and dumped the bowl in the trash before putting in another bag. But the scent of smoke had already reached the living room. I couldn’t even enjoy a night alone in the house with my boyfriend.
“Is something burning, Gen?” Dimitri called.
“I just burnt the popcorn again,” I yelled back, the frustration obvious in my voice. “But I’m making more.”
There was a loud clanking sound when I dropped the bowl back on the countertop a little bit too hard. Bracing myself on the edge, I closed my eyes and took a few breaths.
“What is wrong with me?” I asked myself quietly, shaking my head.
I turned back around and found Dimitri standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame with a knowing look on his face.
“It’s the Council meeting isn’t it?” he asked.
I didn’t even have to answer.
“Come here,” he beckoned.
I obeyed and he took me into his arms. He was a lot taller than me, by almost five inches, but he still managed to hold me so it wasn’t awkward. I laid my head against his chest, closing my eyes with a small smile. His embrace was warm and it made me feel loved. He rested his chin on my head and we stayed like that for a few minutes, not even talking. There were no words needed. Finally he pulled back and, tilting my chin upwards gently with his hand, he kissed me. I lost myself in his kiss, feeling better the moments our lips touched.
“You’re going to do fine,” he said. His face reassured me. “Trust me.”
“But what if I’m not ready? What if I’m not trained well enough?”
“Listen to me, Genevieve Slater,” he began, using my full name as he only did when he was dead serious. “You are the best of the best. I’ve never seen any girl fight as well as you do. You blow everyone else out of the water. Even me.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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No replies? Well, that shan't do!
= "although" because "though" just means "but", and it doesn't indicate that there's another clause to come. You can say "though" but it doesn't sound right, and "although" is more commonly used.
Dialogue is easily the hardest part of any story to write. You have to capture the character exactly, and it gets down to the last apostrophe; don't you think "What is" is a little too robotic, especially for someone who's just questioning herself. "What's" is shorter, quicker, and we think less of it. Otherwise out attention is drawn to it, which isn't necessary. Think about that when you do dialogue, always.
Stick in a comma, right after "meeting". I'd also like to take this point to talk about the speech tags; you've a lot of dialogue in proportion to what you have, but the thing is, only once have you used a "said". You might be under the impression that different forms of that word will create effect. It's a lie,
Use a different speech tag if you want to say something that the reader will not guess from simply reading the line; "shouted" or "screamed", for instance, both indicate how the words are expressed without the need of an adverb. However, things like "asked" and "beckoned" aren't necessary. The traditional example is: '"Sorry," Brom apologised.' See what I mean?
And he says this while they're kissing? It's a bit picky, but you might need a moment for the kiss to end. =]
Not a lot. It's just quite bland, is all; it could be a lot stronger but otherwise the idea's in the right place. Let me explain. The verb "to be" is a poor one when misused, as are a lot of very dull verbs. I think we definitely need a more interesting form of this sentence:
"Though the tile beneath my feet was cold, it wasn’t the reason for the shiver that went up my spine."
Keep it active. As an example, I might have said something like, "The cold shivered into my legs, but my spine trembled with frost as I thought about the next few hours." It's clean, it's simple and engages the audience with sensory imagery of feel and anxiety.
Overall, your word choices are fine and your sentence structures are working for me, but I find that the general idea that comes from it is too bland. I mean, we're clearly here to feel worried about the mysterious setting in place, but I don't know what she fears and not do I care; to make me, give us a few subtle hints. The Council sounds like a place full of old women and men passed their sell-by-dates, where the lady at the door offers you tea and a biscuit. So yeah, drop hints. Is there death involved? Is she worrying about finance? Is she on some moral war? Expand on character development at least, so that we can grasp an idea of what is to come, or give us a taste, at least. All I know so far is that Genevieve is frightened about... something. But she's in a caring home and people love her. Give us something! Shock us!
I hope I helped: PM me with any questions. =)
Best
Blinky
No replies? Well, that shan't do!
= "although" because "though" just means "but", and it doesn't indicate that there's another clause to come. You can say "though" but it doesn't sound right, and "although" is more commonly used.
Dialogue is easily the hardest part of any story to write. You have to capture the character exactly, and it gets down to the last apostrophe; don't you think "What is" is a little too robotic, especially for someone who's just questioning herself. "What's" is shorter, quicker, and we think less of it. Otherwise out attention is drawn to it, which isn't necessary.
Stick in a comma, right after "meeting". I'd also like to take this point to talk about the speech tags; you've a lot of dialogue in proportion to what you have, but the thing is, only once have you used a "said". You might be under the impression that different forms of that word will create effect. It's a lie,
Use a different speech tag if you want to say something that the reader will not guess from simply reading the line; "shouted" or "screamed", for instance, both indicate how the words are expressed without the need of an adverb. However, things like "asked" and "beckoned" aren't necessary. The traditional example is: '"Sorry," Brom apologised.' See what I mean?