Young Writers Society

My dear, it seems we have met again, in this wonderful place called the Green Room. As stated before... I'm not much of a romance fan, but I'll pull through it just for you. Deal? Deal. Great. Now! *Claps* Let's get down to business (non-Mulan style).

My first impression: Yeah, you've done it again. You've made this a bit too long, a bit too much. You need to shorten it down, girl! Get it down to a readable, enjoyable size! Also, you've repeated things again... this time the word "blood" (bleed). Either get a better thesaurus, or work on your sentencing a bit. You can change things around a bit, so it doesn't seem like every other word features "blood" in it. Even things out, make it nice and smooth.

Another thing is, your stanzas. Yes, it's only one that's out of place, and it's not even that bad (I mean a whole four words is nothing to get worked up about), but it's inconsistent, and it's bothersome. Not to be a complete jerk, or anything, I'm just being tough on you because it's my way of showing affection... (kidding).

Now, let's compliment this baby up, huh? Once again, I'm digging your gracefulness. What's a poem without its lyrics, huh? You've made this magical, you've made it smooth, you've made it great. And I like that. Good job, I hate poems that don't flow, and your's is the flowy-est.

And again, your message is great. Wonderful job with that. You've told a great story here, so much applause for that. And it's not the same cliche kind of love story that most poems are. This made it semi-enjoyable. (Once again... kidding!)

Now, onto the negatives, which I've hit the bulk of with my first impression. Again, your grammar is a bit off-center, and /again/, it's nothing to worry about, don't go have a mental breakdown or anything (pfft, over my review? Please). Just a few errors here and there, they're kind of sprinkled around, and not very glaring, so I'll leave that there for some other desperate reviewer to pick up.

Other than that, it was great. Amazing, magnificent, fantabulous. Take your pick. I enjoyed it (and enjoying poems isn't really my thing, so...) so great job there. Have a great life, and hopefully I'll see you around soon!

Adieu!
~Bandit

Okay, well it is a challenge to critique this since its such a lovely piece of poetry! You seem to use love and blood through out this in different contexts and I liked the idea. The wording seems to go well with each other and I enjoyed it.

The sudden inclusion of a sorceress took me slightly by surprise. I was wondering what you meant by it. Was it suppose be the person's lover? And who heals who? Does the woman heal the man or vice versa?

Perhaps explaining that part a little bit more. Did you mean the sorceress to be a sorcerer? Or does the man greet the sorceress. It confuses me. Explaining it may help.

The idea seems to be rather spooky, in my amusement. It reminds me of a similar poem my brother wrote a few weeks ago for his creative writing class based on the theme of blood and healing. However, they are still different and I enjoyed them.

I like the poem and I can't very much critique it very well. But nonetheless, good job and I'll be on the lookout for more from you!

Sincerely,
Soulkana<3

I really love this story. Such a brilliant idea written with overbearing passion. Truly a good read. I love how this is a full story in poetry form; you have how it began, the perspective of both the man and partly the woman (for what needs to be written about the woman, as she is not the center of what you're writing about; although, I would love if you went into the angst the woman must undergo, also blended within the mans struggle.), you also include the steps the man must go through to achieve the feelings of love and letting it in, with a great happy ending to make the reader's wallowing in what is a touching story about the dangers and fear of love into the feelings of optimism and joy; which I believe proves the point you are making and let's the reader go through the story not by only reading it, but, by experiencing it themselves. You don't leave anything out, and I admire that a lot.

As for my critique on this (as to what I would call) masterpiece is to use other synonyms for the words such as love and blood. You use them a lot through out this poem, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes the reader will become more indulged and passionate about the piece if they can see it explained in other aspects that really hits the heart with even more detail. Other than that though, I adored it.

I would like to recommend you take a look back at this and write a separate piece about what the woman went through when her lover could not love her back, and the joy she felt when he found his passion. Go through this sentence by sentence and write down the woman's view and emotions. It could be a sequel; which I for one, would love to read.

Great work!
-Coley.