Young Writers Society

Hey Em16!

I like the metaphor in this. Stars and galaxies are usually used to refer to something expansive and powerful, and using in this context of something being reduced and deteriorated has an interesting effect. There are a few lines that really stand out with some beautiful imagery. I love that image of the darkness dissolving the faces of the stars.

I'm going to pick out a few of the lines that could do with tweaking.

Standing on the ledge, curled on the edge of night, creates a slightly contradicting image of being stood up looking out, but also shrunken up and tucked away. Both are good but not right next to each other.

The line 'no glimmer, no shine' feels a bit superfluous. The line before it about the deteriorating asteroid is so powerful, and I feel like the next line dilutes it where it doesn't need to.

The line 'when he smiled' comes in quite suddenly. You've created this vast landscape but when this additional factor was introduced it seemed like he was just a smiling thing among it. It would benefit from maybe having another few lines or verse before to include what he is, whether he is the sun, or a star, or some other kind of space thing.

I think this still needs some work to smooth it out, but otherwise it's a great concept and a very strong base to work with.

I really liked the use of the celestial bodies in the poem, I think you could greatly connect them. The last stanza is amazing especially the line - "I’m still on that ledge".

I suggest you to make the following changes:

The following stanzas are a bit confusing. I think you could have completed each line and moved to the next, in the first stanza. In the second one, I think you want to say "My dreams, everyday...". If not, I recommend you to edit it.
"I’ve seen the stars
Separate and the darkness
Dissolve, their faces-"

"I’d dreamed every day
Would begin and end
With his brilliant light."


"Their faces. Turned away"
I suggest you to insert a comma instead of the full-stop, in the line above, as it hinders the flow of reading and becomes difficult to comprehend.

Overall, I enjoyed reading. It painted a picture in my mind! Keep writing!

Best wishes,
I

Hey there Em16,
Jaspercat here to leave you a review.

I’m standing on a ledge
Curled on the edge of night Maybe it's just me but I don't like the use of word edge here. The reason is that rhymes with ledge. Now rhyming isn't bad in poetry at all but you end up cutting that rhyme right off by placing the word 'night' at the end of the sentence. It just felt a little forced and awkward to me.
Waiting for the sky to collapse. I do love this stanza though. It's interesting.

Anticipating an event
I’ve witnessed
Countless times before.

I’ve seen the stars
Separate and the darkness
Dissolve, their faces- I would move the comma in this line to line above it (right after the word 'separate.' Right now it disrupts the flow of the poem and is a little unnecessary. As well I would end this line with a period. Mainly for the fact that the next stanza starts with the same two words. The dash implies that the idea is continuing on in the next line but with repetition of the same lines it becomes redundant.

Their faces. Turned away
From me, revolving
Around some other star.

I’ve seen myself deteriorate
Into an abandoned asteroid You should have some kind of pause here
No glimmer, no shine.

When he smiled
For the first time
I felt my core melt. Who is the 'he' here? Up until now the speaker of your poem is talking about themselves but now they've suddenly changed subjects and its a tad bit confusing.

He shot into my corner
Of the galaxy so quickly.
But he left quicker.

I’d hoped he’d stay
I’d hoped- Try to avoid repetition, it becomes a bit too much when over used.
I’d wished-

I’d dreamed every day
Would begin and end
With his brilliant light.

I’m still on that ledge
Iron bars curled over my heart
So that next time the sun shines

It won’t leave me blind.