Love Will Keep Us Alive

I went to a concert last night, and
I saw you. The first time in three months
Hit me like cold water, a ghost in my closet
Finding a rose perfectly preserved in frost.

Three seats down, you were shaking
Feet stomping and hips swaying
Lips open to the feeling of the music
But I was too far away to hear you.

Not the feet stomping, not the swish
Of your white heart patterned sweater
Not even the ringing of your laughter
Running clear and clean like a brook in spring.

I couldn’t smell the fragrance
Of your personal brand of happiness
The feeling as you slipped your hand in mine
Dragging me away from the dark places.

Your hand, clutching tightly at mine
As the plane takes off. You’re afraid
And I run my thumb around your wrist
If the plane crashes, we’ll crash together.

I thought about saying hello to you.
Walk over, squeeze through the rows
Somewhere I’m not wanted, but it’d be worth it
To hear you sing Hotel California.

But instead I sink into the chair
I don't know how to say hello to you
Not since that final goodbye, the one
You brandished in my face like a knife.

For five years, it was goodnight and good morning
Soft guitar melodies under the first rays of sun
Water from the shower dripping as you styled your hair
Brush my teeth and kiss the tip of your nose.

Now it’s just me, head in hands, listening
To five old men singing Life’s Been Good
We’re all just memories, clinging like raindrops
Waiting to be dried up by the morning sun.

A little note: Life's Been Good, Love Will Keep Us Alive, and Hotel California are both songs by the Eagles, so you can assume the concert is an Eagles concert.

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Reviews: 863

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Sun Aug 09, 2020 5:53 am

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Morrigan wrote a review...

Hey there, Em16, Morrigan here to review your poem.

First of all, I like the imagery you use in this poem a lot. Your use of audio imagery is very appropriate considering this poem is set against the backdrop of a concert. I love that you are describing this other person with sounds, smells, and feelings, as well as a tiny visual of a white sweater and dancing. I'm really impressed-- your poetry has improved a lot.

Get that note out of here. Don't explain things to the reader. Either tell them in the poem that it's an Eagles concert or assume they know some of their songs. Maybe I'm old, but I don't know anyone who doesn't know what Hotel California is.
If you really want to add the Eagles to the poem, start out with it while you're establishing the setting. Instead of this:

I went to a concert last night, and
I saw you.

You could simultaneously strengthen the wording of the poem and add your band.

I saw you at the Eagles
concert last night.

a ghost in my closet
Finding a rose perfectly preserved in frost.

These images don't really fit the vibe of the rest of the poem. Also, I'm not sure how these images relate to surprise or a gut punch or heartache. It's pretty, but maybe save it for another poem. Remember where you just plopped the audience down. We're at a show. It's too loud for ghosts here, and too sweaty for frosted roses. Find a different image to convey the feeling.

Three seats down, you were shaking

If this is intentional, leave it, but I feel like "shaking" is the wrong word here. While it's technically accurate, the line break makes me think of someone shaking in fear rather than shake, rattle, and rolling. I think you could solve this problem by swapping the position of the words "swaying" and "shaking."

Of your personal brand of happiness

"brand of happiness" seems like a copout, and honestly it feels like a bit of a cliche at this point. In fact, if you Google search "your brand of happiness" in quotes, so you will only get that exact phrase in search results, there are half a million results. What does this person's happiness smell like? Does it smell like pine trees? Fresh laundry? Apples? Brownies? Give me an image to work with that shows that the narrator once was close to this other person.

Your hand, clutching tightly at mine
As the plane takes off. You’re afraid
And I run my thumb around your wrist
If the plane crashes, we’ll crash together.

This stanza doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem. While I understand it's a flashback to show the reader that these two were together, I recommend either scrapping it or expanding on it, and also maybe setting it aside with a visual aid like italics or brackets. If you had two stanzas, one starting to transition back to the concert, I think it would work better here.

I think the imagery in the last two stanzas are my favorite. It's nice and normal, and helps the reader understand the feelings of the narrator.

Your punctuation is a little crazy. Try taking out the line breaks and punctuating this poem like prose before you shape it back into stanzas. Sometimes, it seems like you want to start a new sentence, but don't bother with a period.

Your style is interesting. The fragmented feeling lends itself to personal-feeling poems like this; inner monologues don't follow conventional grammar most of the time.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Let me know if you have any questions. Happy poeting!

Points: 2378
Reviews: 22

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Tue Jul 28, 2020 8:36 pm

deleted18 wrote a review...

Hello there, lovely author!

I will begin by commending your style. It is extremely concise, and it carries forward the post-modernist, contemporary simplicity that current day poets employ. It's not hard to emulate, but it's hard to master so kudos on that.

I suggest rereading the poem a little bit. There are points where punctuation is lacking and I doubt it's been omitted for a stylistic reason, prime example being:

Of your white heart patterned sweater
Not even the ringing of your laughter

Can you spot the missing comma(s)?

At the same time, the verses have a weird internal rhythm at times, that all poems, regardless of free-form, enjambment and measure ought to have. A little bit of rephrasing could do wonders to the way this poem would be read, as well as enhance the musicality of it which would be fitting to the theme too (seeing as it's a emotional retelling of a concert reunion.)

Also, don't be afraid to go a little bit further with imagery and metaphors. The ones you've used, while congruent with the movement you're adhering too, are a little bit lackluster. You could use the songs and their lyrics as a starting point, with more references than just their names. Take Hotel California for example, with the harrowingly bittersweet image of the hotel of memories. You can always go a bit further than surface-level, nature-based imagery:)

To sum it all up, it was a good poem, but it still needs a little bit of polishing here and there. I hope I wasn't too harsh, and if you have any question I'd be glad to answer them.

Cheers,
Bubbles

Points: 74
Reviews: 22

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Tue Jul 28, 2020 6:49 pm

ImaginaryPoet wrote a review...

Hi Em16,
This was a very good poem, and I only have a few comments.
First of all, the punctuation was very spread out and in odd places. In my experience with writing poems, the punctuation normally goes at the end of each line instead of in the middle. For example:
I went to a concert last night, and
I saw you. The first time in three months
Hit me like cold water, a ghost in my closet
Finding a rose perfectly preserved in frost.
(Stanza 1)

I think that that would normally be:
I went to a concert last night,
and I saw you.
The first time in three months
Hit me like cold water,
a ghost in my closet
Finding a rose perfectly preserved in frost.

That's just what I've been taught, so feel free to ignore me if I'm wrong!
My only other comment is that in Stanzas 4 and 5, I had to re-read it a few times before I realized that those were both memories, not things happening at the moment. It doesn't have anything telling you that it's a memory, and it just reads like the rest of the poem, so I found it confusing. Maybe you could add "I remember..." or, "I think back to when..." to help the reader know that they're thinking back on those times.

I hope that my suggestions are helpful! You already have an amazing poem that doesn't need very much tweaking, so bravo for that!
Sincerely,
ImaginaryPoet

Points: 29825
Reviews: 465

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Sun Jul 26, 2020 2:17 am

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starlitmind says...

I love your last two lines!

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Love Will Keep Us Alive

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